Marriage or Soulmate
In the collaborative spirit of honesty, I beg no judgement for I am not perfect and I don't pretend to be.
I've been in a marriage of 13 years with two lovely children and a partner with whom we became best friends but drifted apart as a couple.
Two years ago I met a work colleague with whom I started a very quick and deep relationship. She has a boyfriend as well so at the start it seemed a fairly level field. We believe we have fallen in love with each other quite deeply. As emotions run high, we have managed to hurt each other and break each other's hearts. At times it seems out of frustration of not being able to be together.
This brings a destructive behaviour within both. Despite this, we both dream of a future together but as a result of the pain, it also brings out a level of exertion of control on each other (don't go out with your partner, don't post your life all over social media type of things). At times this offering and receiving of control becomes overwhelming and it terrifies me that this is the reality of what a future together is going to be like rather than tge dreams we have.
Then there's my family. The thought of leaving my children terrifies me, especially during those times where my soulmate and I are at each others' throats trying to control and lay blame for each other's actions in an attempt to prevent any further pain.
It is incredibly emotional both on the highs and the lows. I am not sure at this point how to move forward but what I do know is that we both have personal mental health issues that need to be addressed such that we do not cause any further pain or destruction to the other. Despite it all, I believe I do want to be with her.
On the other hand, my wife and I have no animosity, we have just drifted apart as a couple.
Anyone been in a similar situation?
I have been where you are.
My question is,
When all the games are gone, will it be worth it?
Or are all the games keeping you alive,pumped up,hiding ph message,working out meetings, etc.
Thats what I was addicted to, I can see that now, it was like being high and took the pain away from myself.
I really don't want to offend you in anyway. I am just seeing myself in you.
welcome to BB.
Welcome to the forums and good on you for having the courage to post too! It does take a lot....I remember
The forums are a judgement free zone...that wont happen to you here
Ive had anxiety followed by depression for many years and it has always made my decision making really difficult
Just my very humble opinion if thats okay (with all respect to you and your friend of course) If it was me I would press the pause button and have a really good talk to the best counselor that your GP can refer you too.
It will provide you with the clarity and sound advice to make any decision...whatever you decide to do that is...
You will be able to sleep at night knowing that you have made the best decision
If I may ask...have you tried to have an appointment with a counselor with your wife? You would have much to gain and nothing to lose by doing so Morpheus.....if your wife was okay with it of course.
This is only my take on your difficult situation Morpheus....If your friend didnt have a boyfriend it would be very difficult situation. Since she has a boyfriend ( and you are married) this may make your life extremely turbulent
If your friend has no objections to you pressing the 'pause button' then she really cares...big time.....and it gives you the time to see a counselor with your wife.....if she agrees to accompany you...to strengthen your marriage.
I understand that you wish to be with your friend as you mentioned.....no worries there.
I have been through a similar situation but I used the 'Haste makes Waste' mindset first before I made the wrong decision.
If your friend's boyfriend is still strongly in the picture I wouldnt proceed in any way.
I hope you can let us know your thoughts in this difficult time Morpheus
Please press the 'Pause' button at this stage. Doing so wont hurt anyone....It looks like a rocky road....just my humble opinion of course...
My Best for you
you have just written my story.
6 and a half years ago I started an affair with a good friend whom I had known for over 20 years.
i had been in a committed relationship for 13 years, with a young son. he , had been married for 15 years with 3 young daughters.
we were both very unhappy with our current circumstances, lonely and feeling unloved and out of touch with our partners. it started off as casual catch ups and lead to a full blown love affair. the like of which I cannot describe in words. I'm not sure if it was that we were feeling so sad and lonely that made being with each other So amazing. but alas it was all consuming, exhilarating and at the time the most amazing love I had ever felt. he felt the same.
we continued to see each other for 2 years before we left our partners. we moved in together, and continued to have another 2 children.
over the last 4 and a half years I have watched our love turn to pain , anger and regret for handling things so badly.
he has never forgiven himself for leaving his wife and kids. he has not been able to break the ties with his old family , and has lived with guilt over it. it tortures him daily. due to the affair his children have refused to meet me , his wife refuses to let them , and he , due to feeling guilty hasn't done anything to help.
on my side I have a terribly strained relationship with my ex , he won't speak to me at all. this causes a massive strain on our son. and our ability to parent him.
my advice to you from someone who has been there and done it , is to do your best to stop the affair, i get how hard that is. I tried, many times , and couldnt, i really wish I had.
if you really want to leave your wife , then do so. but do it because you want to leave not because you have someone else. make sure that the relationship is completely over before you move on. take some time for yourself. if your gf loves you and cares for you she will do the same. and she will wait.
if you are not sure you want to leave then try to work on it. then atleast if you do leave you will know you have exhausted all avenues and know you don't ever want to go back.
give your wife the chance to work on it.
infidelity is the worst start to a relationship. the lies you tell your partners so you can meet up will carry on to the new relationship. it's hard to trust someone whom you know can lie so easily.
best of luck. 🙂
Thank you very much for your insights. In response to your question, the same thought has crossed my mind but I don't believe it is the main motivator for we truly enjoy each other's company and who she represents as a human being. Nevertheless, the secrecy places an element of surrealism to the relationship for there is an element of reality that is non-existent: there are no bills to pay, there are no school runs, there are no sick kids, there is no mortgage and hence, the relationship as it is today does not represent the reality of what it may be in the future. The future is composed of goals and aspirations which may lack a component of reality.
I appreciate you sharing your story and your advice. Wow! So similar. All the points you touch are valid and I can understand they come from your own experience so very much appreciated.
You are correct that the thought of losing this person is difficult to fathom. To add to the story, and further to my reply to Dory, even during the highs and lows, we believe that we've come to understand that we share a deep spiritual connection (whether it sounds utopic or credible) where we both feel a soulmate connection even at our darkest moments, hence adding to the difficult thought of leaving. We have tried to walk away and have failed miserably at it.
Further strain is starting to be caused by the attempt to control each other's actions with our respective partners under a veil of doubt: did she go? Did she sleep with her partner? etc. which is reciprocal of course.
I should have added. we are still together. through all that we have been through it is completely unfathomable for me to consider not having him in my life. although this whole process has been beyond painful , we are still trying , because at our very core we believe we were meant to be together. it's like an addiction , he's like a drug that I just can't go without.
I just wish I could go back and do it properly. It just would have been so much easier , dealing with every day stresses on top of both of us leaving long term relationships , in which our old partners were terribly hurt by our selfish actions. That affected us and them in ways that are difficult to describe and almost impossible to fix.
You will inevitably find your right course of action. I would like to think if I had my chance again, i would have been kinder to my ex partner , the damage I did to his self esteem by leaving him for another was so cruel. and caused so much more stress for all of us , on top of an already tense situation. which inevitably damaged my new relationship.
my very best of wishes to all of you involved. such a hard situation.
Again thanks for sharing as I see a lot of my current situation in what you've lived as well as what I could face should I continue. To add to the complexity, there is a 17 year age gap between us (I'm older) and therefore the expectations of each other are at times grossly distorted by a generational gap.
Of late, the emotions run high on a weekly basis and a big component of it is the baggage we each bring which creates an aura of tacit distrust.
You speak from the heart as I do. Its can be so hard when our emotions are in conflict.
An aura tacit distrust can be headache when the emotions running high. That aside I do feel for you in the situation you are in.
I hope you find some clarity and make avail of a third person to enable a fresh 'viewpoint'
My best for you
My apologies I hadn't replied earlier to express my gratitude. Turbulence continues and it seems she is picking every day at something to ensure that she comes up with an upper hand. I am starting to not feel free at all. She believes that I am unfaithful to her with my wife and cannot see that it is actually the other way around. I understand it must be difficult for her to feel like the girl on the side but this brings out a very controlling nature in her which makes it difficult to manage. I am not sure if we are falling out of love with each other at this stage but at the same time, we still can't find a way to walk away.
I think we are both very sad at the moment but cannot pin the reason why.