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I'm in constant pain and it's making me feel depressed and angry

Community Member
I'm 40 years old and have just been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and it's really starting to take a toll on me I've had to give up working, alcohol and pretty much everything I love to do because of the constant swelling in my joints the pain is literally in unbearable and it's really starting to get me deeply depressed and angry and I've taken my snappy mood out on my partner of 2 an a half years we both said some pretty hurtful things to each other, I apologized for my behaviour as it's not my intention to hurt him because I love him unconditionally and he's the only person I've had in my life in the past 3 years due to 23 years of a violent relationship with my ex so I'm pretty much damaged goods I had major trust issues a fear of being yelled an screamed at as it was the normal thing in my last relationship but my new partner has helped me to overcome these problems and now I have this new problem that I unfortunately can't do anything about as my own body is attacking itself and I'm in constant pain 24/7 swelling an the heat that the swelling produces is insane not to mention from going from extremely active to not being able to do the things that we all take for granted every day is mentally destroying me like showering myself cooking walking the dog going to kickboxing training I feel like a complete burden to my partner now which is all getting me more depressed and angry with myself and now I've taken it out on him he's said that we are over and he's moving out. I'm totally lost I honestly don't know what to do I don't have anyone to turn to for guidance or to help me work out if I'm just a total moody bitch or its literally just the constant strain an struggle on my body that's causing me to snap at my partner. Can someone please help me better understand this so I can try to save my relationship
3 Replies 3

Dear Mohekhan,

First of all, we would like to thank you for posting about your internal struggles with your own body and emotions. We can see how much strength you have.

Chronic pain can be quite difficult to live with, and your anger and frustration, unfortunately, ended up being taken out on your partner. We are saddened to hear that things have become so intense that he has apparently decided to leave.

Have you spoken with your GP about locating a chronic pain management program in your area?

We would encourage you to call Beyond Blue at 1300 22 4636, or Life Line at 13 1114, to talk with their mental health specialists in order to help you start working through your anger and pain so you might find a way to reduce taking it out on your partner.

Have you gently asked your partner if he would be willing to attend couples counselling with you?

Relationships Australia provides couples counselling. They can be contacted at

We would like to welcome you to our supportive and helpful community.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.

Community Champion
Community Champion


Welcome to the supportive forum.

Thanks for writing and honest post and reaching out.

Rheumatoid Arthritis is a painful disease . There is a support website called Arthritis Australia that may be able to help you.

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Mohekan,

As someone who has an autoimmune condition myself, I completely sympathize with your situation, it can be so hard when you feel excruciating pain to be sunny and happy. I will say that it does not sound like your disease is well-controlled at all, and as a first step it would be a good idea to book in with your rheumatologist to discuss treatment options as excruciating pain isn’t just something you need to accept. My mum has quite bad rheumatoid arthritis and has had a lot of success with a new biologic so that may be an option for you. Regarding your partner, it’s hard because pain can make you behave in ways you wouldn’t normally - I got sick when I was young so I felt like noone would ever love me or “put up with me” because of my illness so a whenever I have a flare up I am always extra nice/appreciative but I don’t think that’s a particularly healthy way to be either. I would suggest talking with your partner and explaining the situation and also that you don’t want to react that way and putting systems in place so that you can both manage this together. It may also be a good idea to book in with a couples counsellor to assist you with strategies to help deal with your illness. But it will get better I promise, you just need to get your disease under control xx