The warmest of welcomes to you at a time in your life where you're questioning and feeling so much. My heart goes out to you.
I think it can be incredibly challenging when we know that we need to develop skills/abilities and a greater sense of consciousness in life but a number of people around us don't consider their need to do the same. From my own experience, I think a lot of that comes down to being self questioning. 'Why am I suffering? What would lead me to struggle less? Why don't I get along with this person?' etc etc. Whether those around us don't feel the need for self questioning or they just flat out refuse to do it, based on arrogance, we can end up facing the consequences of their lack of self questioning. Based on some of what you mention,
- Does your dad question 'Why do I feel the need to drink so often? Why can't I manage facing the more challenging emotions while sober, rather than drinking my way through them?'
- Does your partner question 'How can I better express a sense of love to the point where it's felt by the person I love? How can I open my mind to finding more productive ways of responding (being responsible)?'
- Does your mum question 'What do I need in my life, so that I can experience a healthy balance of my carefree nature and my responsible nature?'
Btw, it was actually my daughter who woke me up to the concept of 'love languages'. I'm definitely an 'Acts of service' gal. My 20yo son (diagnosed with level 1 autism) is also an 'Acts of service' person. I can be incredibly down at times and he'll serve me through leading me to laughter. I can be feeling incredibly lost at times and he'll serve me through sitting down and talking me into finding a greater sense of direction. I can be questioning myself in some horribly depressing ways on occasion and he'll serve me by leading me to ask questions that come with positively mind altering revelations. I can feel him loving me in so many ways, basically because we speak the same (love) language. Neither one of us is big on hugging or saying 'I love you' yet we both feel great love for each other. Those 2 love languages relating to hugging and saying 'I love you' would be 'Physical touch' and 'Words of affirmation'.
Of course, there's nothing wrong with self soothing (aka 'stimming') unless it's causing others great upset or we're partially destroying ourself. I suppose the question comes down to 'How can I vent this level of hyperactivity in my body in constructive ways?' or 'How can I calm it down?'. Instead of calmly rocking to the point where it's distracting others or instead of picking our skin apart (I do that with my lips, btw), what else is there? Maybe a Google search of 'What stimming actions help calm the vagus nerve' could offer some ideas.
I feel for you so much, while being able to relate to some degree. I face a stressful time in my life that's demanding a lot of self questioning, greater levels of consciousness, new skills/abilities be developed and a serious break from one person who is setting off my nervous system something shocking. Not a fan of people who lead me to feel what an overwhelming sense of dread and stress feels like. The ability to feel the dreadful and stressful nature of people seems more like a curse at times, that's for sure. I think some skill development in boundary setting and keeping those boundaries in place may be the call for the day.😊
