Hi everyone,
It's my first post here an i'm not even sure where to begin. I guess at what's transpired over the last 72 hours. My wife has decided that she's had enough and she cant go on with our marriage any more. And it's all down to my actions, i'm a repeat offender of pushing my luck and thinking im too smart to get caught, but i'm not and i do get caught.
I havent physically cheated, but on multiple occassions in our 10 years together i've needed to get my ego stroked and have admiration from the opposite sex through social media. Friday night i had a chat in my DM's with a girl who initiated it and said i was cute and if i was single. Well, a random person telling me i was cute inflated my ego balloon and instead of saying thanks and no im not single i'm married. I said i'm arried, but trapped in the marriage. Now that's not true, i only said it in the hope of garnering sympathy in the hope the chat could continue. My wife found out and we've been at odds since.
Seeing as we're in Melbourne and in Lockdown it's been hard to give each other space, but we spoke yesterday and she asked why i keep on doing this. In the past when i've been caught i've said i dont know, i just wanted my ego stroked. And yes that's partly true, but realisitcally in my mind i thought, "well she's obviously not going to leave me. She wouldnt dare, have you seen me?"
I know that sounds awful, but it's how i've thought before. And you might say, that maybe i dont love my wife if i think like this about her, but this isnt an isolated incident, this has happened with every relationship i've had. I see myself as the better half of the relationship. And i know thats a horrible way to think but i've done that and manipulated partners to make everything benefit me since high school.
I have been told i have anumber of narcissistic personality traits, and i am calling my doctor tomorrow to arrange a mental health plan if possible to talk to a professional about my thoughts and actions and reactions to situations as i know the way i act is not healthy and my partners do no deserve it.
last night i broke down uncontrollably in tears, when i knew even though i want nothing more than my wife it's not safe for her to be around me and carry on in a relationship like this.
It may sound silly, but it felt good to know i actually have emotions.
Anyway, sorry for the long winded first post. Just needed to get some of it out as right now i'm utterly broken.
