I feel so so alone... i have no one to turn to ..

[ssSushiCat]

I am not sure whether this is the right forum to post this in but i just need to type this somewhere. I feel so, so very alone. I am going through a very rough patch in my life. And i can't trust, even my closest, friends to be there for me. I can't trust my family (they are part of the reason why im here). And i am too afraid of more rejection to reach out to someone new. 

I have ADHD (and possibly some autism as well) and and l my life i was constantly judged and punished for things that i can not control. My interests and behaviours were considered weird and no one ever listened or tried to understand when i tried to explain myself. Growing up i was always made feel like i was a burdain by my parents. Home never felt like home. I felt like a random stranger there. I had friends but even they didn't 100% get the things that were going on. I always felt like i was alone. No matter how many friends i had or how many people i talked to i was alone.

My life was kinda getting better and I thought that maybe resently my family started to understand more. I finally allwed myself to belive home is home. (Big Mistake) But after another really bad argument it completely completely crashed any trust and hope i had left in them.

All the feelings of crashing loneliness came back. And i actually have no one to talk to.

I've lost my family as people i can trust and the one friend i do trust doesn't reply when i need them.

I don't know what to do. I just feel so alone. I have lost the support system i had. And i am too afraid of more rejection and being a burdain to reach out to new people.

Idk what to do and where to go at this point. I am at a very low point in my life. 😞

I noticed this is starting to affect any new possible friendships i might have. I am so aftraid of more rejection. I am so aftraid of more loneliness. I started to pull away from the new social circles i joined. I feel like thouse people allready hate me or will hate me, (even though thats probably not true). I don't want to talk to open up to people aanymore. I don't think i have enough mental resource to handle more rejection. And i don't have the support system to go to when/if that happens. 😞

Sorry if this is kind of a ramble...

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome,

it's not a ramble... you have said what you had to in order to explain what is going on in your life. That's fine!

And the way you describe you are behaving and fear re future relationships, friendship or otherwise may be a coping mechanism to protect yourself. Or maybe I am talking about myself here.

I had a session with my psychologist today - we have been doing schema therapy but the main thrust of the discussion was about the grief. I wondered where I fit in with my family. I had thought that if you were looking for support anywhere that you could find it in family. But may not be the case. A couple of weeks ago, I felt truly alone because of this. And while I am married (and with 2 kids in early 20) I could not tell them about all of this, as I don't want to destroy (/change) how they see people in my family. So I am caught between a rock and a hard place.

Working out how to move forward on my own.

You are not a burden to anyone. At least I don't think so from your post. And understand why you might think that way. I am sure you have strengths and talents that you have not mentioned in your above post. 

And perhaps in finding your tribe, here and in the real world, you can the support that you are yearning for. 

So if you permit me to ask one question... what things do you enjoy doing? what excites you? Is there anything that you are passionate about? 

Listening ...