I feel like I can’t do anything right

[Koa]

Hi there,

I am new here and I really wanted to get some help with my relationship as I feel like I can’t do anything right, me and my partner of over a year have been having some problems as of late, fighting is nothing new but these have been more serious, just these last few weeks we’ve been having fights where we don’t talk much afterwards and she starts to use one word responses and not really talk much, she suffers from mental health issues so I try my best to be as considerate as possible but I feel like I can’t always do it.

She’d always be the one to fight for communication and after months of things not really working on my end like sometimes I can’t keep the promises I made, change certain parts of myself that cause problems like my snappy attitude at times and sometimes being inconsiderate and inconsistent with change and sometimes we fight over things I should be changing for, and over time she stopped fighting and she’d think she’s the problem and changes, she always does whatever she can to make me happy and always does things in my interest to see me smile, she’s the most amazing person in my life and I need her, but then I’d think she’s changing herself too much and that she shouldn’t change and that I should instead causes she’s done enough of that for others and I wanted to be different.

But I realised that in her eyes I’m unappreciative and ungrateful, and trampling on her kindness and big heartedness, I feel horrible and she tried to break up with me a few days ago but I managed to keep her, we were good for awhile but now not talking and now she’s talking “when necessary” and “when told” to make less problems and I feel like I screwed everything up by not being to do what I need to do for her and I feel like a complete failure as boyfriend, is there anything I can do?

[tranzcrybe]

I once heard some good advice that relationships were not about doing things 50/50 - rather it should be 100/100. That said, I think we all keep an invisible ledger in our heads which, when things become out of balance, can lead to dissatisfaction and feeling exploited or, conversely, not measuring up in the eyes of the other.

The notion that one should change for the other is more complicated as who you are is the very essence of the relationship in the first place; and, while modifying some behaviour is commendable, expecting permanence may be a bit unrealistic - are you loved for your good and bad traits (tolerated) equally or is this an illusion that assumes a blank canvas thus diminishing your own character and identity?

Of course, self-improvement is always worthwhile when done of one's own volition/determination, but expectation can lead to inherent failures as you have alluded to; and, even if you force yourself, the damage of suppression may result in other undesirable outcomes further down the track.

I suspect your girlfriend is feeling undervalued after a year or more invested in the relationship where things may not have progressed as hoped.
Ask yourself if you take her love for granted and imagine your life without her in it. Your answers might compel you to follow the right path (whether together or separate) and on that basis any changes made will indeed be of your undertaking.

[Koa]

Thank you so much, I really don’t want us to break apart, I really want us to work out and be together as I see her as my life, I really do and I guess I found out recently from her is that to her she feels I love her in only certain parts of her, not her as a whole and since I’ve done so much damage where she doesn’t believe me when I say I’ll change, I wanna make this a commitment, thank you for your advice