I DONT UNDERSTAND MY HUSBANDS CHEATING...

[Syliva0071]

My husband and I have been together for 20 years. We have two kids and recently I have been very occupied with them. It got to the stage where the kids were sleeping in our bed and I wasn't going out with him . My husband felt very neglected and tried to reach out to me but I ignored him. Two months ago he met a beautiful blonde girl at a family friends birthday which I did not attend. She asked for my husbands number through a friend and they started texting. I found out that he had been calling her every day and texting her every other time even when I was sitting next to him on the coach watching tv (10 messages a day and at least one phone call a day ). He claimed they spoke about every day things. Nothing about love. They had met twice in the two months. Once for a bike ride that was a lunch date and the other a stay in the hotel room booked for two night. When I found out he claimed they were only every really friends. He said that she made him feel good by constantly giving him compliments. When asked about the hotel room he claimed that they only kissed the first night and he eventually pushed her away as he realized this is not what he wanted. He stayed one night with her and a whole day but came home the next night(one day earlier than expected). He said that he thought of me the whole time and how wrong it was. . He told me the whole story as soon as he came home and looked really distressed. He said that he had a lot of confused emotions and felt like he needed to spend time with this girl to figure out what he wanted in our marriage. The thought of sleeping with her he said was not an option. It was more emotional. He said it had nothing to do with her or me it was more about how he was feeling at the time and was trying to figure out what our marriage meant to him and whether it was worth salvaging it. He ended blocking her number after her constantly texting him. His also made a lot of effort since then and has given me access to his phone and lets me know where he is at all times. Is it possible for a man not to feel any sexual attraction for a women and use her as a way to discover how he was feeling about the marriage and what our relationship meant to him? I'm confused because why a hotel room and a weekend away? Is this whole emotional feeling true that there can be no sexual attraction to a person? Can I have some thoughts please. I am really struggling to understand him.

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Syliva0071,

Welcome to the forums, and thank you for sharing your story. I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling with your relationship at the moment. It must've been quite an emotional rollercoaster ride for you when you found out what your husband was doing, and your feeling of frustration of trying to understand what and why did he do that is completely valid.

While I'm not a professional relationship counsellor or anywhere close to that, I hope you wouldn't mind listening to my perspective on this matter. I feel a relationship is formed when both couples do their best to meet each other's needs. It's a never ending journey of team work and support between the couples, and they'll do their best to work through conflicts and come to a mutual agreement. But when one partner feels that their needs aren't met by the other partner, they would seek that fulfilment elsewhere. It is possible for emotional and sexual needs to be separated, even though they both are generally bundled up together (some people take sex as a way of spiritually bonding with the person whom they're in love with on an emotional level. Some may just take it as a way to fulfill their sexual desires).

With that said, you mentioned that you have two kids and recently that you've been very occupied by them. I can understand having kids can be very handful, especially when you have more than one. The role of a mother is a very hard role, and I admire your ability to fulfill that role for your kids. A mother's priorities would change depending on the kids and family, and it gets really hard for a mother to balance between the role of a lover to their husband, and a mother who cares for their kids and family.

It's very noble of your husband to be going to extreme lengths to show how committed he is to you. He may be feeling a heavy sense of guilt for doing such a thing, but also confused on what he wants, and needs some time to discover that. Perhaps, take some time to talk to him about it, listen and validate his needs while communicating yours as well. I feel your reasons for neglecting him when he tried reaching out to you, is a valid reason (maybe too busy with kids or house chores, and just too tired at the end of the night?).

Hopefully that perspective may help you understand your husband a bit more. Happy to chat more to you as well Syliva0071.

Jt

[Guest_3256]

Syliva0071.

This must have been one of the hardest things to ever happen to you and your are not alone. After reading your post, for him to feel neglected and then to return home to his family, be openly honest with you straight up, block the woman and give you full access to his mobile device, shows how sorry and remorseful he is in his bad behaviour and mistakes, It is extremely rare for someone to be that honest and remorseful.

In saying this, it's your choice to take his word and to grow with him and you should be able to see this through his willingness, his transparency and love.

I believe, from what you have said, that your husband really does love you but that is for you to determine - I think you already know.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Syliva 0071,

Your husband was clearly having an emotional affair, which he has confessed to and you are aware of. To me it sounds as though it also crossed over into a physical affair that night and is the most logical reason for the overnight stay. If he came to his senses and decided he didn’t want to have it, he would have gotten the hell out of there in that moment. It sounds to me as though something happened and he came to his senses afterwards. Not that it entirely matters, depending on whether you see an emotional affair as better than a physical affair or just two sides of the same coin.
but I do think that couples can survive affairs, particularly if they act the way your husband is now i.e an apology or acknowledgement that they stuffed up followed by changed behaviour. I consider affairs in long-term relationships to be different to those where you discover the person has been living a lie. It’s most often borne from neglect and a desire to feel wanted. We all have that desire. He doesn’t sound like a bad guy, but someone who made a mistake and is owning that. I hope that you can both find a way to move forward

[geoff]

Hello Syliva, and a warm welcome to the forums.

I am also sorry that you have had to encounter a situation like this, but fortunately, your husband has come clean and now blocked her number and whatever happened the first night may have only been a case of having too much alcohol, although that's still no excuse, instead of realising a problem exists and making an appointment with his doctor.

The problem is that sometimes an emotional feeling can form with another person who seems as though they want to help, but there has to be a time when they know they have to walk away, and that's what your husband has done.

What can happen is the belief that someone who is attractive can solve his problems is a misdemeanour, it only creates more problems than mandrake, but thankfully he has owned up and now would be the time for the two of you to consult your doctor who can then direct you in the appropriate direction.

Best wishes.

Geoff.