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i dont know what to feel or what to do..?

startingnew
Community Member
Hi guys

im in a bit of a
situation. Im not so much as jealous as I am angry about this
situation and im having a lot of trouble moving forward with it.




So when I was about
9 I was offerred a horse to ride as my mums boyfriend owned a riding
school and no one ever used this horse as she was suited to beginners
so they offered her to me and said if I do the work with her which
pretty much included rebreaking in then I could ride her and take her
to horse shows and do pony club with her and she was mine to keep for
as long as possible.
So I worked on this
horse for 6 years and had this horse almost perfect but not for
beginners still as she use to buck but as I trained her up she was so
trusting of me she almost seemed like another horse for other people
and she hated other people riding her. I took her to pony club, beach
rides, road rides and taught her how to travel on a float and came
home with many ribbons even if they were 5th it didnt
matetr to me. This horse was my best friend and I spent every waking
hour with her when I wasnt at school.
After these years
though, mum and her boyfriend broke up and without a word or warning,
my mum got a phone call saying that if I was to enter the property
they would call the police on me. I never even got to say goodbye to
her 😞


it breaks my heart
every time I think about her. And my sister- her pop s the one who
owns the horse so my sisters still Is allowed on the property and
when she goes up there she talks about her without the intention of
hurting me but it breaks my heart every single day. I havent felt
the same about horses since nor have I been able to form a connection
with one since then and this was 6 years ago 😞


and do you know what
makes it worse, where I live the property is pretty much at the back
of our house and theres abike track and every now and then I go for a
walk along there ad I see her and I call her and she knows who it is
I can see it in her eyes but she cant come over as theres far to much
gap between the fence and where I am. Sometime I wish I could just
jump the fence and go see her. I miss her so much

14 Replies 14

omg SN thats horrible and how can your mum not know just how much that horse means to you? i say means because not meant because your still dealing with grief of not saying goodbye and not having any power over the ppl to help you at least just to give you a real goodbye are ppl really that mean ? altho i know the answer to that is yes 😞 i really hope u can find some way in your own way and wonder if u can make your mum realise how much your still hurting and care? do you get along with your mum well? i really wish i could do something to help . Thinking of you hugs x 😞

Its the people who owned the horsr that wont let me see her. And neither will my mum. My sister loves to rub it in just how much shes been brushing her and doing this and doing that and sends me heaps of photos and things and its breaking my heart.

No i dont really get on with my mum. She doesnt support me with my ptsd anxieties or depression. She doesnt support me going to counselling. She doesnt support me having to go to my gp all the time. Sbe doesny support mr going to any of my other appointments and shes the one thag tells me to suck it up and stop being a baby

They all know know how much she meant to me

OOOOOHHHH DEARSN ive just read some of your other threads sounds to me like your the mother of the family and they are all kinda jealous or something of you yet i know you do what you do out of love yet thye take you for granted and dont want to know about you having problems as they dont want you to have any it would take the focus off them yet they cant see your pain OMG .... i can relate on many issues ive been sexually abused and also as a adult omg you wouldnt guess who by but anyaway i have my DV councillor and a councillor from laurel house (they specialise in sexual abuse) i also have a mental health worker but she is only sometimes actually on the planet .... is there anything specific youd like to talk about with me? i can only listen and maybe tell u more about me and how ive coped sort of im now 46 aand still feel 17 when i broke down my family didntn want to know me they didnt want to accept tht i had problems as i kept my shit together because i had to after our parents died in 1993 and 1996 the last 15 years have been hell for me i find it hard daily to find something to make me feel like life is worth the effort so i totally understand there , i have 2 grandchildren i have 2 sons 28/25 yet they all have thier own problems and lives i hardlys see any of them and my illness doesnt help but one day maybe . its not how i thought being a nan was going to be but i have to take what i can get when i can get it , im still emotionally wrecked from the incident withn my friend/nieghbour but not much i can do about it , one day at a time talk soon thinking of you SN hugs x

Hi Startingnew

I hope you can add this information to one of your other threads so people can have a better grasp of what you have been going through and respond accordingly.

Startingnew :Not coping after disclosure

Happy Easter SN

Paul

Hi FA

oh... thank you for reading my other thread... and thank you for sharing your story

Yes im pretty much the mum of the family and a full time carer for my pop but we will keep that convo to the other thread that i have feel free to join into that one.

But yes its very difficult to live through esp with upcoming tests

Its so hard without my beloved horse. I tried writing her a letter but i just kept crying.

Am i allowed to be angry sad upset about her even thougb i was only borrowing her