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I don't know what to do anymore!

Letting_Life_Pass_Me_By
Community Member
I don't even know where to begin here. Everything is a mess! I hate my husband, he hates me, his family hate me. There are kids involved. There is our marriage to consider. I'm supposed to be moving in a week but my help walked out the door tonight. My husband and I have been fighting since our relationship started 5 years ago. We went through with marriage because I had put so much effort into it by the time it rolled around that it was impossible to walk away. I have been angry and keep lashing out at him verbally, I can't stop holding it against him that my life has been nothing but downhill since we got serious. And he can't be happy because he wants me to give him something I just can't give him and that lack of a true relationship has been driving us crazy for such a long time. I know I have been the worst possible person because I can't show him the love and affection he wants and instead I am always so angry at him, fighting with him, driving him over the edge. And I do feel bad, the guilt eats me alive because i can't bring myself to tell him how I feel. It's so toxic. And yet I sit here crying because he left and this time I don't know where he is, if he is ok or when we will see him again. I have such a messed up history from bad parents to bad relationships and before I met my husband I swore I would never let myself feel again because feeling absolutely drowns me. I warned him that I felt like that and he stayed and it was good and then it wasn't good and I just can't flip the good parts back on again because it scares me so much. He wants me to take responsibility for all the things I have done wrong, and i want to but I just can't bring myself to let those walls down and do the right thing by him. I desperately desperately want to run away myself. I know my husband would be happier if he moved on, found something more stable and loving, something I'm not ready to give him right now. But he hasn't and I think that has caused him to hold a grudge against me and that has made everything so much worse. When we argue we both play the victim, we both feel like we are in the right and the other is wrong. I don't know how to pull myself out of this mess. I am terrified my children are going to grow up messed up from watching me struggle to find happiness. I don't know what to do!
8 Replies 8

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello, the first line to your post says it all, so it would be impossible for you to be intimate with him because this would only hurt and annoy you because you don't love your husband.
Your concern as to how he is, is a worry that most people have about somebody, but it's not out of being in love with him because that has well and truly gone as you continually fight with each other which is going to have an impact on how your children feel, and that's exactly what you don't want.
You can't be expected to take responsibility for what has gone wrong, remember it takes two to tango, and even if you did it that wouldn't mean that your situation would ever improve, you would then begin to hate him even more than you do now.
It would be best to move away from eachother where your children can also find some peace and quite, however deep down there are many issues that need to be overcome, and this won't happen if you try and do it yourself, it seems to be too far entrenched, so are you able to make an appointment with your doctor.
Can I ask you who do your children tend to agree with because that's important to know. Geoff. x

pipsy
Community Member

Hi Letting_Life_Pass_Me_By. You sound exactly like I was about 3 or more years ago. We have no children together, but I married my ex due to the 'need' for someone I could call 'mine'. Like you I am from an extremely toxic home, father chronic alcoholic, non-caring emotionally abusive mother. My ex in-laws didn't help us either except to encourage their son to run to them at the drop of a hat. There isn't a lot of anything with you and your hubby, no love, no commitment, no connection. There is also personality clashes here as you both self blame and play victim. Is your hubby close to his family, mine refused to support me as far as their involvement in our marriage. Your children would be feeling slightly like 'furniture' being pulled one way or another. I left after 25 years, it had taken me about 4 to summon courage to leave. I was petrified. Through these forums and a wonderful, caring friend, I eventually 'snapped' and decided to go. I left a year ago, while it hasn't been easy, staying would've been harder. May I inquire your children's ages. If they are school age with years of school to complete, there is financial help available. My kids are grown, married etc. My Dr was also helpful in listening, not judging. Perhaps ask your Dr for a referral to a therapist to guide you through your decisions. The 'hate' feeling you describe, I was in that frame too. I now realize the 'hate' was more because of the feeling I had failed and he had failed me. I no longer feel that intense 'hate'. I actually feel rather sorry we both wasted our time. We were totally, completely wrong. I have also come to accept that because of my background, I could never fully commit. As I mentioned earlier, I do have someone in my life who is there whenever I 'fall', but as much as we care for each other, neither of us could be permanently together. I've had to learn to live with me and sometimes, even now, I don't like 'me' very much.

Lynda

SubduedBlues
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

LLPMB

Sometimes there are instances where the child will blame themselves for the breakup of their parents, but then they are also smart enough to realise that when their parents are constantly warring with each other this ain't normal neither.

I have to agree with Geoff, you guys need a break from each other. You need time to assess what life would be without each other, and if that is preferable to the life you have together today.

I don't know how old your children are, but you could always ask them their opinion as to whether you two should stay together or move apart. Toddler's won't know much, but the intelligence of year 2 students on divorce is quite surprising.

Often a toxic relationship is because you cannot communicate without arguing. Perhaps try email/sms as this medium takes away the volume, tone, sarcasm, body language and implied meanings. Only what is written is said.

what you need to weigh up is:
* all the things that are good about your relationship vs all that is bad
* all the things you can tolerate about his presence vs all the good stuff you won't have in his absence

Hi Geoff, thanks for your reply. I get very confused sometimes because there have been times when I have looked at him and I have been overwhelmed with love or affection and often times I can't imagine my life without him in it. But then we talk to each other and it all turns to hate again. I get frustrated and annoyed. On the other hand I can't help worrying about him, he has threatened to hurt himself so many times to guilt me out of an argument.

You are right, I also have not been able to understand why I have to be forced to take responsibility for everything that has gone wrong... Why do I have to be forced to take that all on by myself again? I have already spent 20 plus years of my life apologizing for my own existence.

My oldest son is 7 and a half, he always sides with me if he manages to wriggle his way into the room where there is an argument happening but I don't know if that is because my husband is not his father and my son has recently learned what that actually means. My youngest son is 2 and loves his daddy more than anything, he doesn't understand the arguments, he just gets upset and choses his daddy every time. I don't blame him for that though because they have a special bond that I would never take away from them.

Hi Lynda, thanks for your reply. I can't say I married my husband because I needed someone, I think it was more that I felt guilty if I left him. He has always been amazing at making me feel like a horrible person if I so much as suggest we move on with our lives. His family do the same thing, they don't stop to see how many sides to the coin there are, they just make him go over there so they can have a whinge about me. My family don't even know the definition of support let alone how to pick up a phone to see if i am OK, I have the ugliest (as to their characters I mean) family I could have thought imaginable. I am literally all alone now except for my two sons. I have no friends what so ever..... My oldest son is 7 and a half and I believe he understands everything that has been going on. My 2 year old though is a different story.

I don't think I am ever going to be able to commit to someone and yet at the same time I want my fairy tale. It kills me inside to know I am so messed up that anything even close to good won't work for me. And then there is my self image, I don't think I ever like myself!!!

Hi SubduedBlues, thanks for your reply. I can confidently say that my children at least don't blame themselves. Apart from my 7 year old always backing me they don't seem phased by any of the arguing at all.
I agree with the needing time apart to assess if we really want to be in each others lives or not. I honestly can't imagine life without him but can also imagine life without all the little things that chip away at me.

I am going to try talking to him again later. I'll send him a message. I think it may definitely be time to right up a list like you mentioned!

White_Rose
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Dear LLPMB

Hello, so pleased to meet you. You are in a horrid situation, not knowing what you want I suspect. You have told us you cannot give him the love and attention he needs. You have also said it is because of your toxic upbringing. An unhappy childhood watching your own parents fall apart and abuse each other must have been a dreadful time. What role model have you been shown? Society says we will fall in love and marry and live happily ever after, except that it doesn't work that way. Both partners need to be committed to the relationship and making the effort for it to work.

Geoff says it takes two to tango and I believe this is right. My marriage was not good but when I tried to change and went to marriage counselling my husband said there was nothing wrong with him and he did not need to go. So either I became the person he wanted or I left. After 30 years I left. And it is excruciatingly hard. By then my children were grown up and married so they were living their own lives.

You said I know I have been the worst possible person because I can't show him the love and affection he wants and instead I am always so angry at him, fighting with him, driving him over the edge. And I do feel bad, the guilt eats me alive because I can't bring myself to tell him how I feel. If we could blame ourselves, change the way we act then will everything will be OK? No, this is not realistic. Assigning blame to each other or yourself is not addressing the issue and makes you feel even more unhappy. This leads to so much anger and hurt for both of you. Looking for ways to win an argument or point out who is at fault will never work.

Now the stress has become so intolerable you want to run away. You know it will not solve anything and eventually you will return to the same mess. If you are ready to start again and make your marriage work then you need lots of help from each other, friends and family, and also from professional people. Your GP is your first port of call. Go with or without your husband, but be ready to talk about the things that scare you and hurt you. I suggest you print out your post above and give that to the GP as a starting point.

The way back from your personal hurt is the first priority and it will not be easy. I have spent many years struggling to heal, believing I am there and then finding I need to do a bit more. Your husband needs to start on his journey. Try and have a chat about this but whatever the outcome, see your GP.

Mary

Hi LLPMB. As I mentioned, in my case I married because I needed someone/thing that was exclusively 'mine'. Without being a Dr and not having the ability to diagnose anything, it almost sounds as though you came from a narcissistic background and married straight into another one. Being brought up the way you were, there is no way you would've been actually prepared to marry a carbon copy of your parents. As a child, you accepted certain things you were told regarding yourself, I know I did too. I grew up believing I was useless, wasted space etc. From what you say your hubby needs you to help him feel fantastic about himself, his parents feed and encourage this. Each time he abuses/puts you down, he feels superior. This is basic narcissism. Google narcissism, there are many characteristic traits. If you read anything that you can say relates to your hubby or his family, hopefully, this will give you something to work on for your own knowledge. It sounds too as though hubby has been raised to believe he has the same right to abuse/belittle you the way his parents do. This could explain his reluctance to go against them. For your own protection and your children's right to grow into caring, loving non- abusive people, you need to think seriously about trying to distance yourself from these toxic people. Btw. You did not 'mess up', you married believing you would be guilty if you didn't. That doesn't mean you 'messed up', it simply means you married for the wrong reason, as I originally did. He 'messed up' by lying.

Lynda