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I don't know what's wrong with me

Community Member
I am joining this community because I no longer know where to turn. I have struggled with what feels to me to be some sort of depression where I experience periods (~1 year long) where I lose all sense of self, lack energy for anything, become overwhelmed with constant suicidal thoughts, feel too anxious and depleted to study, function, get out of bed and make plans, start crying out of the blue, eat or fast excessively to try to feel better, and feel like the world has become a pointless grey with all of the aspects of life and my surroundings merging into one boring entity, rather than the diversity of excitement and enjoyment they used to be.
I can't focus on a task for long and I can't talk to people without constantly changing topic. Everything around me depresses and upsets me.
In the past I have struggled with anorexia and this is a constant thing I have been dealing with on a background level for the past 7-8 years, it never fully goes away.
About a month or two ago my (now ex) boyfriend and I broke up. These feelings of grey dullness crept in before our breakup, in about December, but now they are stronger than they were even then. I felt lonely in the relationship and I feel lonely now too. My ex would rarely talk to me when we weren't physically together and he criticised me often and reduced my self-esteem down to a crisp even though all I ever wanted to do for him was to build him up and fix what seemed to me to be an unnecessarily fragile self-esteem.
My ex shares a dorm and a friendship group with me so moving on from him feels impossible, and seeing him constantly is like having the scab over a gaping wound continually picked away.
I think if there was someone next to me who I vibed with fantastically all the time, I would never feel this way, so perhaps it all stems from loneliness. But no matter how many friends I see or how much time I spend with my family or how many friends I make online I still feel awful and alone. And when I sit down to study my mind has time to fester and think over these things that make me feel this way and I start panicking and cannot study anymore. I feel trapped within me and with these thoughts all the time.
And sometimes I do feel a bit better, mostly when I am with my friends when my ex isn't around. But when these negative feelings take over I lose all sense of rationality and will to live and I am afraid that one day they will take over to an extent that I won't be able to fight them anymore.
1 Reply 1

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello MollyLenz, and a warm welcome to you.

You have told us a sad story of what's been happening and if a group who only keep in touch with each other in between outings then it's not going to be easy to join in with them.

If you've got a group you want to join, but don't know how to begin talking to them or making the initial contact mainly depends on the access you have to the group, this takes confidence, but to get this are you able to talk to a counsellor at uni and if not contact your doctor.

Write down what you want to say so instead of trying to find the words when they ask you 'how can I help you', just hand over what you've written down.

Please let us know.