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BeyondBlue Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
  • replies: 0

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a ... View more

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a negative way. As always, we want to hear your story and how it impacts you and encourage everyone to support each other with kindness. There are a few things to consider when posting in this section so we can all get the most out of it: Everyone’s situation is unique. We all do our best to share what is important in our story but we can never share it all. Let’s be mindful we can’t know all of everyone’s story. Anonymous but public. These posts are available to everyone and while the moderation team will keep it anonymous, its still up for everyone to read. Have a think about what you want to share to get the best support for you. Please stay safe. This space is an amazing way to seek support from others who might understand what you are going through. We want to hear how you are going and what is happening for you. Please also consider 1800RESPECT if you don’t feel safe or 000 if you are in danger right now. You deserve to be safe. Thank you again for joining this conversation, your contributions are worthy and important to us here. Beyond Blue

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disposable To let go
  • replies: 1

I will start with my husband of nearly 10 years had been asking for us to separate. He had asked for separation three times now since October last year, and last one being last week, to which, I finally agree. Previously I had been begging him not to... View more

I will start with my husband of nearly 10 years had been asking for us to separate. He had asked for separation three times now since October last year, and last one being last week, to which, I finally agree. Previously I had been begging him not to (as we have a 5 years old together) and been making compromises. And this last one I can see that I have exhausted all my effort to keep us together, and that he’s made up his mind. He wasn’t angry. He was pretty calm and mature, and explained his proposed arrangement in regards to our kid, and he’s telling me to start finding a place. He initially said that we had grown apart, and that we are now two different people. That I am an independent woman and that he is fine with it, it’s just that us as a couple, just wouldn’t work anymore. He doesn’t feel he can deal with my years long bulimia/depression problem. That we both deserve to be happy, although that means not being with each other. The list goes on, but the point is that he hopes we will find our own happiness in our separate ways. He helped me find a place and will help me move (as he will be moving back with his parents) and have been very flexible with our son arrangement and our work hours. He intends to keep things amicable as we do not want our son to be affected by this. I intend to do the same although it somehow pains me to see us dissolving. I want him to be happy. He deserves that. He has been a great dad although I can’t say we were the best as a couple. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough, maybe he didn’t. Maybe we both did but it just wasn’t working. I don’t know. The thing is, that I will be moving out early next month as arranged and sometimes I still find it inside me it’s hard to believe that it had came to this. I’m not too sure how to properly let go. I don’t know how to tell myself that we’ve both done our best (which I find I don’t) and that it’s time to let go. I’m not too sure about anything at all. We have been together for a long time for now to be separated although we’re doing it slowly (no door slamming or gone awol), it’s still very difficult to accept. Please advise what I should do. Thank you.

Seekparadise I fell in love and it gave me hope- now it’s over
  • replies: 1

4 months ago I broke up with my ex, my Nanna passed away, I moved back home from interstate & travelled to Europe for a month. The change rattled me. Europe was incredible but mentally I struggled more than I ever have in my life. I started seeing so... View more

4 months ago I broke up with my ex, my Nanna passed away, I moved back home from interstate & travelled to Europe for a month. The change rattled me. Europe was incredible but mentally I struggled more than I ever have in my life. I started seeing someone new. We bonded so strongly. He’d just come out of two traumatic relationships and struggles with ptsd. We supported each other through so many emotional breakdowns and lifted each other up when we needed it. He was there for me when I was self harming, checking in with me after doctors appts, researching my medication for me. He became my rock, the person I went to for everything. I hold so much compassion in my heart for what he’s been through and I care for him so deeply. I fell in love. It wasn’t as simple for him. He has trust issues, I was supposed to be moving to Melbourne, he’s too broken to fall in love back. The situation does my head in but I can’t let go. It made my mental health worse. So we did the dance of getting close and then me falling down a hole as soon as I left his house and agreeing to create distance, then the cycle repeating. I know it’s unhealthy. He finally has come to a decision that we should stop seeing each other, because he can’t give me what I want (a proper relationship) and it’s hurting me too much. I feel broken. He has all the qualities of what I was looking for in a life partner and I’ve never said that about anybody. In the beginning, I felt so hopeful, he understood me in a way no one has before, cared for me in a way I could really FEEL, we could’ve been great for each other. Now my hope has drained cold. I’ve already done this before- loving someone I can’t be with and who can’t love me back, and it almost destroyed me, and it took me five years to get over. I can’t go through this again. I still feel I can’t let him go. I’m so attached to him. Without him, I’m worried how I’ll cope. Everyone feels so far away and I don’t want to be close to anyone else. I have a psych appt next Wed and my GP has me on medications, so I’ve gotten help. I just don’t feel I can get through this again. All I see is hellish months coming up for me. All I do is drink, get sadder and more desperate, nurse a hangover, lay in bed and cry. I’m so tired of feeling so full of hope and having it ripped away from me and being left with yet another huge disappointment.

lifepurpose Uncoupling a marriage
  • replies: 3

Hi. Has anyone uncoupled their marriage by living in separate houses and sharing the custody of the kids? I have been thinking of leaving my 14 year marriage on and off for a couple of years. Their has been no affair or abuse but I keep thinking that... View more

Hi. Has anyone uncoupled their marriage by living in separate houses and sharing the custody of the kids? I have been thinking of leaving my 14 year marriage on and off for a couple of years. Their has been no affair or abuse but I keep thinking that we are holding each other back from what we really want from life ans being truly happy. We are just 2 people living in the same house looking after some kids. We have developed into 2 different people (introvert vs extrovert, active vs inactive). We have tried counselling years ago and I have been to counselling recently but is it ok to say 'well we gave it a go but lets just do our own thing'? I am happy to give my kids financial support and have them half the time. My main concern is the reaction of my wife as she can be very proud, selfish and get very angry. I think deep down should would eventually be ok with it. Thanks.

MummaPetal I want to feel at home somewhere
  • replies: 3

I am struggling with my marriage about whether to stay or go. We have been married for over 10 years and have a child together. We have wanted a second one but have been unsuccessful. Tests revealed no obvious reason but just "one of those things". M... View more

I am struggling with my marriage about whether to stay or go. We have been married for over 10 years and have a child together. We have wanted a second one but have been unsuccessful. Tests revealed no obvious reason but just "one of those things". My parents have both passed away and the family home was demolished. My family is changing and some have moved away, permanently. My husband is great how he has supported me to stay at home with our child. However, with his chronic sleep apnea we have to sleep in separate rooms. I am a light sleeper and hear his CPAP machine. He is often tired and tunes out for the day on the computer, TV or his phone. I often feel lonely. We have no intimacy in our marriage. He has a very low sex drive. We have had couples therapy but the right things are said in the session but things always go back to the way they were. Nothing changes. He is happy in the marriage and I am not. I am really scared. I feel as if there is a little girl inside of me screaming for attention. I want to go back to work but feel an absolute lack of confidence. It's like I want to launch but my springboard doesn't feel stable. I don't feel supported or nurtured. I don't have any money to leave. Can anyone offer any advice? Thanks.

ASmileADay_ I'm new to the BB Forum and looking to share my experience with in-laws
  • replies: 21

Hey Everyone, I want to start saying hello and thank you in advance. As much as you are here to support, im here to do just the same. I'll keep my story short as possible. I have been with my partner for 3 years. After 8 months together we moved into... View more

Hey Everyone, I want to start saying hello and thank you in advance. As much as you are here to support, im here to do just the same. I'll keep my story short as possible. I have been with my partner for 3 years. After 8 months together we moved into his parents which was where my problems began. I was in and out of contract/temp jobs which was stressful plus the additional pressure to always be around his family. Plus the gossiping and b*tching that went was doing my head in. The control that was there was unreal. It wasn't until we broke up earlier this year that I had realised how far the control went. Despite our own problems that we never sorted properly, and couldn't because of family interference, his parents were telling him to break up with me as "all they could see" was us fighting and being unhappy/miserable and so they got their wish. We were not in a good place, but we weren't like that when we lived in our own place. I did my best to be fair to everyone plus myself, and it is very difficult to become a part of another family when you had such a different way of life and upbringing. But does that give anyone a right to tell someone to leave a person? On top of that I was being talked about behind my back which to this day I am so paranoid about. After two months of not being with my SO, I re-connected with him and we have had the necessary discussions and are doing this again. Though this isn't what I want to justify or talk about...as we both know what his family is like (he is very disappointed in them too, and in himself for being so blind). My problem now is not just the fact that nothing will be the same, but it's this paranoia I live with. Feeling like they are in his ear, that I will be criticised for EVERYTHING I do. I don't care as much as I did some months ago as I have found a couple of people who are apart of the family who see my SO's parents for what they are which really helps as further support. Perhaps I'm venting and not asking for an answer, but I just want to feel normal again. Im getting there slowly. But the experience traumatised me so much. I was angry with my SO, but I hated his parents for how they expected me to explain my actions, leaving me to defend myself. It was all too much, plus the gossiping and really nasty talk about others. It's just not for me...but I do hope that one day I wont have to second guess myself. thanks everyone for hearing me out...I'd detail so much more but cant! D

Lonely85 I feel like i have no one
  • replies: 5

I am so alone I have a bf who seems to love me in words only and I'm so tired of waiting and hoping for him to do more. I work full time while he seems to spend most of his time playing computer games. He has some mental health issues of his own so I... View more

I am so alone I have a bf who seems to love me in words only and I'm so tired of waiting and hoping for him to do more. I work full time while he seems to spend most of his time playing computer games. He has some mental health issues of his own so I want to support him, but can't help but feel he won't help himself and is content with how things are. He screams at me every so often when things get too much for him, yet never seems to want to change. I guess this isn't really my issue...I have no friends and no one to talk to about any of this and am constantly scared that I don't really matter to anyone. I had 3 close friends throughout high school and uni, and they all dumped me and I really don't know why. They're all still friends and have no reason for excluding me other than that's life. I'm fed up with life. My life is nothing so bad I'm sure, compared to many. But I'm so tired of it all. I'm screaming and no one can hear me.

VRC Husband left me after 24 years
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone, My 47 year old husband of 24 years is having an affair and has decided to leave me for her. She’s a 33 year old woman with a 6year old he's never met.I am 10 years older than my husband and I was blindsided and absolutely devastated. I n... View more

Hi everyone, My 47 year old husband of 24 years is having an affair and has decided to leave me for her. She’s a 33 year old woman with a 6year old he's never met.I am 10 years older than my husband and I was blindsided and absolutely devastated. I never thought he would have an affair let alone leave me as he was a man with a strong moral code and would always stand up against injustice. I was initially reluctant to have a relationship with him due to our age difference but he pursued me persistently and promised to love and look after me till the end of time. He would profess undying love and appreciation of being with me publicly and on his Facebook. How is it that someone can love you so deeply but then completely turn around and say that he doesn’t love me or feel anything for me anymore?So in 6 short weeks he has moved out and I have had to pick up the pieces of my life. He’s cast aside his adult son and disconnected from his grandchildren- preferring to play dad to his lover’s 6 year old dad The OW has also broken up her marriage and is going to court with her husband to fight for custody and property.We do not have any property or significant savings and at 57 years old I am left feeling abandoned and frightened. I never thought I would be in this position at this age and am shattered at his betrayal and his haste to separate and leave me so quickly and plunging me in a financial hole. I know it will take along time for me to recover- it is very difficult to be alone after having someone around for such along time I am struggling particularly at night when everyone’s gone home. My hubby is gone- in its place is a cold unemotional person who now wears pink shirts, expensive cologne. I can’t even imagine anyone touching me-I cannot understand how he can hold her ,kiss her and have intimate relations with her when we have been together for so long. tonight is very hard as I haven’t seen him for 3 weeks now-the longest I have been physically away from him through our life This non contact everyone says will be better for me is still very painful. I guess he s now focusing his romantic energies on the OW andnot even look back It just feels so callous and cruel.My friends and family think I’m doing so well-but inside I’m all cut up and ground down.Sometimes I think I’m going to lose it and it takes enormous effort to bring myself out of it I am frightened that I won’t be able to keep doing this over a period of time.i just want this pain to stop

Jadedgirl He hurts me and I let him.
  • replies: 3

I am 21 years of age and I have been in a bad situation for 4 years now. When I was 18 I met a boy that became my first everything and we dated officially for five months. The relationship broke down because he had cheated on me. Eventually I found o... View more

I am 21 years of age and I have been in a bad situation for 4 years now. When I was 18 I met a boy that became my first everything and we dated officially for five months. The relationship broke down because he had cheated on me. Eventually I found out that he had cheated more than one time. There were red flags now in hindsight, but I did not know any better. Since we broke up officially, we have been on and off for 3 and a half years. It has been a roller coaster of emotions and we have been in some horrible situations. He has threatened to kill himself when we first broke up, he has said very horrible things to my face and about me, he has continued to lie and cheat and he has even forced himself on me one night when he was on drugs and begged me to come and get him. I have not been the nicest person either, I have told many people about all the things that have happened and said he isn't a nice person, I slept with someone who I later found out knew my ex and that hurt him, I have hurt and disappointed those around me for constantly going back. Last year we had a huge fight and he ended up blocking me and now he unblocks me sometimes on a night out to message me and talk and then just when I think it's getting better he blocks me again. It's hard because logically I can recognize all the hurt he causes and how broken he makes me feel, I can see that I should not be with him and I know he is not good for my health and he has hurt me mentally and physically. I know I should just block him when he unblocks me to message me. But I can't. Or at least.. I don't want to. I still love him despite it all and it hurts just as much not to be with him as it does when I'm with him. I can't live like this anymore it is too hard. All I feel is horrible and all I wish is for us to just work. I don't trust myself to stay away from him, we live in a very small town. It's getting to a point where I feel the only way to get out of it is the move somewhere away from it all. I'm just scared and I talk to psychologists and take medication but here I am still stuck. Please help me I don't know what to do anymore.

Living57 Do I or don't I, is it an affair
  • replies: 8

I have a very dear Male friend I have know for a long long time. He and his wife were close to me and my late husband. Sadly his wife has dementia, it's so awful, such a vibrant woman who spends her days locked in her own world, not knowing who we ar... View more

I have a very dear Male friend I have know for a long long time. He and his wife were close to me and my late husband. Sadly his wife has dementia, it's so awful, such a vibrant woman who spends her days locked in her own world, not knowing who we are, or the world around her. She is still able to be at home and her husband with the help of a regular nurse are doing a wonderful job looking after her. We had a meal together a few weeks ago, and probably had a bit too much to drink, but the conversation was open, nothing barred. My friend bought up the subject of intimacy and sex and went on to say how he misses the closeness he once had with his wife. I agreed having lost my husband I too miss those things. Remembering bought a flood of emotions and I ended up in tears. My friend put his arms around me and held me. It just felt right. Things progressed from there, but I stopped myself before we became too intimate. My friend understood but said if I changed my mind........ I admit he is a good looking man and i could be attracted to him if i let myself. But his wife is still alive, albeit with an awful illness. I dont want to be the other woman. But would it he wrong? Would it be considered an affair? I admit i find it confusing, part of me wants this, but i also have respect for his wife especially with the life she now has. I mentioned it to one female friend and her attitude was that the wife wouldn't know. I am just struggling with this. Any advice or thoughts would be really welcome. Thank you