Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Rachylou I'm not sure what to do anymore
  • replies: 2

Hi, I have been married for 12 years and I don't think I can do this anymore. My husband is selfish, controlling and I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough or the way he thinks I should live my life. He recently swore and yelled at me in front ... View more

Hi, I have been married for 12 years and I don't think I can do this anymore. My husband is selfish, controlling and I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough or the way he thinks I should live my life. He recently swore and yelled at me in front of my daughter's friends and I haven't wanted to really much to do with him since that night. When we got home he kept calling me derogatory words. Then the entire weekend I felt like a prisoner in my own home. He wouldn't let me leave the house with our kids and when we tried to go out he jumped in the car at the last minute. He demands they spend time with him even if they don't want to and accuses me of isolating him. He went and stayed with his parents for 2 nights and both me and my kids felt relief and freedom. Then he just turned up saying he needs to see his kids so he's staying. In the time he was gone I was beginning to feel normal but now it's back to feeling scared and alone and crying. I'm tired of feeling like this. I just feel so alone and scared and confused and I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know who to go to for help. I don't know if I can get help. All I know is that I just don't want to do this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry if I shouldn't be posting this here. I don't know where else there is.

G-Karen Living with in-laws and getting depressed
  • replies: 18

A bit of context. I have been married 9 months and was dating my husband for 9 years. Coming from an indian background, it wasn't culturally appropriate for us to live/travel together until marriage. So finally, after waiting many years to achieve ca... View more

A bit of context. I have been married 9 months and was dating my husband for 9 years. Coming from an indian background, it wasn't culturally appropriate for us to live/travel together until marriage. So finally, after waiting many years to achieve career goals, we got married. And boy has it been the biggest change of my life. My husband built a big family home a few years ago, so I live with him, his parents and his sibling. It has been an incredible challenge for me and I'm not sure if my depression is due to my own issues or partly due to our living arrangements. he is convinced they are my own issues. We would love to move out, but we cannot afford it as we have this mortgage. The first few months were great, I know his family well and it was awesome just being together. But over the past few months, life has thrown some curve balls - grandparent passed away, both our dads had massive health scares and we both started new jobs. Suddenly I find myself suffocating at his house. I can't escape his family to have my own space, and I don't have the emotional privacy to deal with everything. HIs family is great and all, however I am just craving some control. I am beginning to feel like this isn't the home of my husband and I, I feel like another child being told what to do by parents and my role is just to slip into their way of living and just be okay with it. It is like being on a reality TV show called family swap! I have to act like everything is awesome when I step outside our bedroom and laugh and joke like everything is fine with his family. I am not comfortable showing what I am really feeling around them and I am struggling to have the privacy to talk to my husband about everything openly because I fear they will know something is going on. This is really affecting our marriage. He can't understand why I can't just try harder to make this place work for me - because we can't financially afford to buy another place and he won't compromise to rent somewhere. When I first had a few breakdowns, he was understanding, but not anymore. he's just over it and thinks I'm being dramatic. I had a breakdown tonight and he left me crying in the bathroom and went to sleep. I am sleeping in his sisters room now and all I want to do is scream, or run off a cliff or do something horribly drastic. I am so depressed. I dread coming home, I stay at work till late on purpose. Pretending like everything is awesome is getting exhausting. What do I do?

lostnotlost84 World Trip ended up with partner relapsing in depression. This time I lose hope
  • replies: 14

I have been together with my boyfriend now for over 6 years, from which the first 3 years were just incredibly amazing. It was not perfect but I was profoundly happy with him. The first man in my life I could see a lifelong future with. We moved over... View more

I have been together with my boyfriend now for over 6 years, from which the first 3 years were just incredibly amazing. It was not perfect but I was profoundly happy with him. The first man in my life I could see a lifelong future with. We moved overseas together, then back to Australia 3 years ago. And that’s when it all started to happen. His and my work struggles ended in him being depressed and seeking therapy after me talking him into it. He got better. Only now, I realized that I was never included in his healing process. In his head (and in mine) everything circled around him. I didn’t see the implications of his behaviours whenever I tried to talk about his therapy he became uncomfortable and annoyed with me. Whenever I used the word "depression" he tensed up and acted like I would blame him. I was never able or allowed to reflect on the impact of the depression on us. So I stopped talking about it and bottled it up in myself. Despite all things and unspoken problems, we departed on a year long trip in our car. One year across Central Asia. Just the two of us. 24/7. Of course it didn't help but only amplified everything. He tried to leave it all behind, I tried to work through it. Complete opposite approaches lead inevitably to fights. And we fought a lot. I cried a lot. The more I tried to reach out, the more he withdrew. Later he said that I "pushed him too far". I ruined the trip for him thanks to us fighting. He withdrew from me, saying there was no love or hope for us anymore. However, despite all this he still didn't agree to end it earlier as planned. He settled in a friendzone routine where we did everything together just with no intimacy. I wasn't allowed to talk about us otherwise he shut me down for the rest of the day. I kept on waiting for him to get more clarity of what he wants Like me, he is lost too but has no ability to look at it through the lens of the bigger picture of life. He kept on apologizing for "everything": the way he is, that he can't do better for us, for me. Again, a blame implemented thought process that does not lead to any good. He appears at times so carefree like nothing is up that I start doubting myself! It must be a coping mechanism but for how long can you keep that up? I am so at lost..and then not. I wonder if his depression remained after his therapy unrecognized in our relationship or if the trip triggered it again and that he is right. There is no hope, I screwed it up (unintentionally)

NOLA2018 Mother & Boyfriend Issues (23F)
  • replies: 1

A few months ago I started dating one of my friends who my parents knew and appeared to like. When I told them that after being friends for years we had been spending more time with each other and thought there might be more. My mother lost it at thi... View more

A few months ago I started dating one of my friends who my parents knew and appeared to like. When I told them that after being friends for years we had been spending more time with each other and thought there might be more. My mother lost it at this, pretty much because she thought he was not good enough up for me and not the right cultural fit for the family. Liking him enough I pushed through the initial resistance that I was met with from my family. It has been months of constantly being emotional and I have felt my anxiety starting to kick in again. Over time my mother has started to accept we are dating, she has made it clear she is not happy about it and still makes snide remarks but says at the end of the day she wants me to be happy. I enjoy the time I spend with my boyfriend and definitely look forward to it, I also enjoy spending time with my family in what feels like normal times again. But underlying all of this every time I feel even slightly happy I start feeling guilty or wondering when my next fight with Mum is. I have also become very emotional crying whenever the topic is breached or even sometimes just when I am thinking about it at work or in my own time. I have also started wondering if I will ever truly be happy/carefree again or has something snapped in me due to not getting support from my family about my decision. Any suggestions/feedback would be very much appreciated.

JJmmaamm Meth addiction destroying my family
  • replies: 3

Hi thanx for reading my post. I have been married to my husband for the last 17 years and we have 3 beautifyl children. We have had our ups and downs but the last 2 years have been absolute hell. My husband is now addicted to meth. Every day is just ... View more

Hi thanx for reading my post. I have been married to my husband for the last 17 years and we have 3 beautifyl children. We have had our ups and downs but the last 2 years have been absolute hell. My husband is now addicted to meth. Every day is just a living nightmare. He is either completely high and loopy or coming down and extremelly angry and agitated. When he is high you dont see him. He stays awake for 3 to 4 days at a time and is actually quite pleasant. Then you just know the big crash is coming. He then becomes emotionally and verbally abusive to myself and the children. He refuses to work and barely earns any money. I am the one that has to support the family and pay the mortgage etc. We barely even talk to one another now. I sleep with one of my kids in the other side of the house so I am not anywhere near him. I have told him to leave on numerous occasions however he refuses to go. I dont have the money to go anywhere as every cent I earn pays for all the bills food etc. My parents live in a 2 bedroom house.and we simply couldnt fit. I dont think I should be the one to go as I am the one that has actually paid for the house and everything in it. I have legal advice and he vant be removed from the house as his name is on the title so effectively half his. Polive wont get involved as no domestic violence. Has anyone been in the same boat and can offer any advice. I just want him gone and out of our lives for good. Thnx for listening.

helpwanted1987 NEEDING SOME ADVICE
  • replies: 23

I am 31 years old I am a mother of 8 and have been married for 14 years. I am needing some help on what to do......so here is the story we have been married for 14 years through out this marriage I have suffered some physical abuse however have not n... View more

I am 31 years old I am a mother of 8 and have been married for 14 years. I am needing some help on what to do......so here is the story we have been married for 14 years through out this marriage I have suffered some physical abuse however have not now for about 1 year however emotional abuse every day since marriage up until now. mind you I cook clean washing take care of all my children showers baths clothing changing nappies all by my self get kids ready for school pick up and drop them all off. Also get husband ready for work early hours of the morning make him lunch dinner coffees and buy stupid alcohol. I am getting to the point where I have had enough I want a life with my children only but I don't know how to leave am scared and worried about leaving. worried about needing a house for my children I want to take all my household stuff with us. scared if I don't have enough support that I will feel like I need to come back to him. I don't have any friends because I am not allowed I don't have my family support because I choose my husband over my family. I do everything for his family. he has worked on and off moving from job to job. I have worked over the years and juggled him and kids for a long time but its the abuse and the alcohol I need to get away from. please need support and advice please regards

Peppa62 Seeking advice
  • replies: 1

I have found on my partners phone that he has been commenting on other girls pictures but sexual comments and comments putting me down like my girl isn't like that with a sad face. Asking their names ect. I guess the line that was crossed for me when... View more

I have found on my partners phone that he has been commenting on other girls pictures but sexual comments and comments putting me down like my girl isn't like that with a sad face. Asking their names ect. I guess the line that was crossed for me when 1. the comments became sexual and 2. when he involved me in those comments. I'm so hurt and confused. We have been together 10years and never would I have thought he would say something of the things he has said. A few of the comments and so disrespectful not only to me but the women in the pictures. Its like I feel like hes cheated but not physically. 10 years and I feel like I don't know him. Im really really struggling with how to cope with it and I confronted him about it. He has said sorry but I guess if I hadn't seen them then he wouldn't have ever felt sorry or bad about what he was writing. Like I guess they are only sorry once they get caught. I feel like after 10 years im still getting to know who he is and I don't like it. Its so hard because I love him so much. I aware he hasn't physically done anything but I just feel sick that hes not only looking and desiring other women but hes also taking the next step of leaving a comment. I guess im asking how do I cope with this? Are all men like this? Am I over reacting?

Brookai How do I help my depressed mother and self..
  • replies: 5

My mum, little brother & I have faced ongoing homelessness for the past 5 years. We've been unable to hold a private rental property ever since my mum lost her job due to sexual harassment & unfair dismissal. Despite the job loss, she has tried to ma... View more

My mum, little brother & I have faced ongoing homelessness for the past 5 years. We've been unable to hold a private rental property ever since my mum lost her job due to sexual harassment & unfair dismissal. Despite the job loss, she has tried to make it back in the work force, only to not getting paid from one job, workplace discrimination from another etc. All of this occurred approx 2 years ago, ever since the repercussions have been never-ending. After coming out of homelessness for 6 months, 4 months ago we are trying our best to keep rent paid and move onto normal activities such as returning to school/studies, reconnect with friends/family etc.. all of which is a huge hurdle for us. Then she had her car stolen which has barred us from doing the bare minimum. Also the house we've moved into is riddled with mold/water damage, the house is very old and roofs/walls are cracking and about to fall down. The house is suppose to be demolished, but due to desperation we have to live here. We were promised priority housing from the government but haven't received any to help us rehabilitate. My mother has had a scary cough and illness for weeks now and wont get herself to a doctor to find out what's going on, as we have no car and her inability to take public transport, and we're financially isolated. She had her father pass away and her grandma just recently.. All of this plays a huge role on my depression and anxiety aswell. My mother is her own worst enemy, as am I. And it's not a good mix.. If i'm depressed the slightest, she believes its her fault or that I don't like her because of my inability to express whats on my mind, and I sit in my room for hours unable to understand whats wrong with me, like now. We had an argument this morning and she said she's felt tension from me for weeks ever since I went out with a friend one night. I told her shes being ridiculous. And i'm feeling upset that she doesn't speak to me about her feelings unless we argue. I feel she fears me leaving her while we're in this darkness, but I would never. and that's also my problem.. I can't move from my broken family even if I wanted to. I couldn't establish a life for myself if I wanted to. These things I would never tell her.. she doesn't understand it's not her or me, its the problems were facing that bar us from doing what we need to do to function normally. If i didn't care I wouldn't be here, just as the rest of our family left when things got dark. I just need guidance

Rjade Feeling pretty confused
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone. I decided to post on this forum because there isn’t really anyone that I can talk to that know me personally and I feel as though speaking to those who don’t know me will help me to get some things off my chest without being ignored. Two... View more

Hi everyone. I decided to post on this forum because there isn’t really anyone that I can talk to that know me personally and I feel as though speaking to those who don’t know me will help me to get some things off my chest without being ignored. Two months ago, I got engaged to a man that I love and can see myself having a future with. I’m only 21 and we’ve only been together for just over a year, but a big part of me wants our relationship to work and that’s why I said yes. However, there have been a few doubts that have been creeping up on me recently and I wanted to know if anyone has advice for me as to how I should deal with this situation. His mother kicked us out nearly a year ago and I truly despise this woman for everything that she has done to us. I haven’t spoken to her since, and vow to keep it this way, but my partner does and acts as if nothing ever happened. As a retaliation, he decides that he wants nothing to do with my family, even though they have always been warm and welcoming to him. I really don’t want to end our relationship but his family don’t like me and that puts a huge amount of stress on me when I realise that our families can never really have a normal family life. I don’t know whether I should end it and just move on, or whether we can reach some sort of compromise. I suffer badly from depression and anxiety and this relationship certainly increases the negative emotions I experience. I’m on medication to treat my mental illnesses, but our situation is very stressful and uncertain and makes me feel a whole lot worse. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Sometimes I feel as though being with someone else would solve all of my problems, but I do still love him and I’m feeling really conflicted. I guess I just need advice on whether or not I should stay put, or if I’m better off moving on with somebody else, or even just taking some time out for me. Thanks heaps.

blinkybill86 Partner secretive about her spending, causing issues
  • replies: 5

Hi all, My partner and I have been together four years and we've had a joint account for three of those years. Early on we travelled quite a bit, had a fantastic time overseas but as a result came back with quite a debt (around 25k combined). We have... View more

Hi all, My partner and I have been together four years and we've had a joint account for three of those years. Early on we travelled quite a bit, had a fantastic time overseas but as a result came back with quite a debt (around 25k combined). We have slowly been paying it down ever since we got back, which takes time as rent takes the majority of our combined income. That said, Afterpay has been a constant thing in our lives - in the early days, I was seeing little $11-13 payments coming out of our joint account, I didn't really question it, didn't know what it was, didn't really care due to the amounts. But it began to grow and get out of control to the point where money we were putting into our debt was getting completely cancelled out because she kept putting things on Afterpay. I called her out on it and asked her nicely to stop because we need to get this debt paid down ASAP so we can buy a house. She stopped for a little while, but it has recently started up again. Only now, she has directed Afterpay payments to her credit card, so she's basically putting credit on credit. I have no access to her Afterpay login, or her credit card login (even though I pay them off with her), so I can't see what is going on or where my money is going. Every time I bring it up it ends up in a terrible argument, or she puts it back on me that I am negative and says things like 'all you ever talk about is money' -- totally not true, it's just her way of saying shut up and forget about it. I have tried asking her for access to her CC and Afterpay accounts, she gives me a quick glimpse of her CC but no login, and won't give me her Afterpay login - she has logins for all my accounts. I have tried mentioning counseling to her, perhaps it would take an outside perspective on the matter. She has a clothes shopping addiction and it is evident by the shed full of boxes stacked to the ceiling full of clothes, all wardrobes in the house full of clothes, and quite often our bedroom floor also covered in clothes and shoes. She doesn't want to go to counseling. I am lost and unsure how to approach it from here. Do I do the hostile thing at this point and pull my income from our joint account and just look after myself? Do I book us into a counselor and just go? I don't know