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How do you learn to love yourself?

Community Member
How do you learn to love yourself when it seems everybody hates you?
7 Replies 7

Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello lilykitten,

I think before anyone likes/loves us we have to learn to like/love ourselves first..and also show that we like/love other people as well...

The way you feel about yourself usually reflects and shows how others how you fell about yourself...A little self care towards you can start you liking/loving yourself..once you start to like/love yourself others will soon see the beautiful person you are and then love you also...

We have a thread here called...Do you love yourself your thoughts are welcome”......if you search in the search engine at the top of the page and then read through the thread and join in the conversation if you feel up to it...There are many people who have contributed to the thread and a lot of ideas/ suggestions on helping ourselves to love ourselves...

Lilykitten...I think that we have to like/love ourselves before others can....

Please feel free when your feeling up to it to continue talking here on your thread...Not sure if I was any help at all. But wanted you to know that I care and that many people here have probably asked themselves that same question..li know I have at times...

kind and caring thoughts..


Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi lilykitten

I hope that firing a few questions back might help get to the bottom of things:

  1. What is love? I believe it helps to define what love is so that we know what we're looking for or wanting to experience.
  2. What examples of of love have been shown to us throughout our life? Are there positive or helpful examples/experiences we can relate to?
  3. Is there anything stopping us from experiencing love (self love included)?

My personal take:

  1. My love for another is found in how deeply I am invested in their evolution. I have found it's no coincidence that the folk I love the most (my kids esp) are the one's I'm most invested in mentally and emotionally. By the way, I feel self love the most when I'm motivated toward positive change. I absolutely love myself when I'm fully invested in my own growth. I'm yet to master full and total self love but, hey, we're all a work in progress. I tend to dislike myself when I'm most unmotivated. Life at a standstill provides time for self-criticism.
  2. As far as examples go, firstly it's important to keep in mind that we can experience some pretty toxic people and environments throughout our life which can have a tendency to skew our concept of love. In either direct or round about ways, people can 'teach' us that love is conditional or performance based, in a variety of ways. Being taught 'love or value=performance' means we learn to grade our self and degrade our self regularly. This skewed concept can become our measuring stick in regard to who we are (esp relating to whether we're 'lovable').
  3. Several things can prevent us from experiencing love, especially love for our self. How we are taught to love, is one of them. Another involves our self-esteem. Another may involve mental health issues such as with depression. The list goes on because we're super complex creatures. Self love within depression can feel seriously lacking. When the chemistry and thought processing involved in living the love we desire (through motivation, excitement, positive thoughts of evolution) isn't functioning at optimal levels...well...what can I say.

I want to put a bit of a spin on things lilykitten. If love is an expression of investment in positive evolution, perhaps it's worth questioning how the people around us define love. If they lead us to feel 'hated', do they themselves know what love is really all about? Are they motivators and investors when it comes to growth or are they part of what's holding us back from experiencing true love?

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi lily kitten,

I have always loved a particular quote, “your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth”, which I believe to be true. I have always believed that how people see/treat us is more a reflection on them rather than you, I think your trick in life is to find “your people”. If you are around people who dislike you or put you down, change your people. I only surround myself with people who add to my life and make me feel good these days, and it may mean that I have less friends, but you can hardly call those other people “friends” anyway. Plus people who tend to put you down also seem to be fairly small-minded, miserable people in general and will suck the fun out of everything. Try and do some activities that make you feel better, I found this a great way to try things I’d always wanted to do and meet some lovely people along the way.

Its confusing. You know when you get caught in a conversation with someone who is "over-sharing" or telling stories that are so long you just want them to get to the point? Perhaps they have done you a favor and you feel you should reciprocate but you just don't want to encourage them. I am that person. Feeling pathetic.

Hi lily kitten,

I can’t say that I’ve had that particular feeling as I usually have the opposite, the desire to connect with people on a deeper level but we’re stuck in polite chit chat - perhaps that means I’m the oversharer :)?! Is there something to have set off these feelings recently, or made them worse?

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Lilykitten

You have no reason to feel pathetic at all.

I think you are amazing for being a part of the Forum family Lilykitten....and good on you 🙂 Grandy kindly mentioned the thread about liking/loving ourselves.....the copy & paste link is below for you!


It would be great to have you post with us 🙂


Hi lilykitten,


You mentioned being confused about this, and wanting to get to the point. There are a few things to consider here, and in no order of importance

  • how much time you have ("spare" to give to the other person)
  • whether you are interested in the topic
  • how good the story-teller is
  • is there a deeper meaning in the story (or not)
  • is the story a response to question
  • is the person telling the story letting go

I have coffee (or beer) with a friend on a semi-periodic basis. Last Friday, rather than having coffee, we chatted and had beer (2 each) over a period of 3 hours. And of course, there were some of the longer stories in that time. In listening, I get another insight into the other person's world. And some of what the other person said, also resonated with me. Now I also did not have anything else planned for that afternoon, so time was available. But if I did have an appointment to get to, then like you, would hope they get to the point.

And if you do have time to hear a long(er) story, then you might also be practicing mindfulness, by being in the present moment, and not worrying about "whatever worries you" and assoc. negative thoughts running around your mind.

None of this really answer the question in the topic of the post, except that in listening you are loving.

With all of that said, I am like you in that 95% of the time I want the other person to get to the point, as i have other things that I think need to be done. And if I don't get them done, I fail. Being able to slow down is a skill. and in slowing down, we are showing love for ourselves.

If only I could do that,