I fell in love and it gave me hope- now it’s over

[Seekparadise]

4 months ago I broke up with my ex, my Nanna passed away, I moved back home from interstate & travelled to Europe for a month. The change rattled me. Europe was incredible but mentally I struggled more than I ever have in my life.

I started seeing someone new. We bonded so strongly. He’d just come out of two traumatic relationships and struggles with ptsd. We supported each other through so many emotional breakdowns and lifted each other up when we needed it. He was there for me when I was self harming, checking in with me after doctors appts, researching my medication for me. He became my rock, the person I went to for everything. I hold so much compassion in my heart for what he’s been through and I care for him so deeply. I fell in love.

It wasn’t as simple for him. He has trust issues, I was supposed to be moving to Melbourne, he’s too broken to fall in love back. The situation does my head in but I can’t let go. It made my mental health worse. So we did the dance of getting close and then me falling down a hole as soon as I left his house and agreeing to create distance, then the cycle repeating. I know it’s unhealthy.

He finally has come to a decision that we should stop seeing each other, because he can’t give me what I want (a proper relationship) and it’s hurting me too much. I feel broken.

He has all the qualities of what I was looking for in a life partner and I’ve never said that about anybody. In the beginning, I felt so hopeful, he understood me in a way no one has before, cared for me in a way I could really FEEL, we could’ve been great for each other.

Now my hope has drained cold. I’ve already done this before- loving someone I can’t be with and who can’t love me back, and it almost destroyed me, and it took me five years to get over. I can’t go through this again. I still feel I can’t let him go. I’m so attached to him. Without him, I’m worried how I’ll cope. Everyone feels so far away and I don’t want to be close to anyone else.

I have a psych appt next Wed and my GP has me on medications, so I’ve gotten help.

I just don’t feel I can get through this again. All I see is hellish months coming up for me. All I do is drink, get sadder and more desperate, nurse a hangover, lay in bed and cry.

I’m so tired of feeling so full of hope and having it ripped away from me and being left with yet another huge disappointment.

[JessF]

Hello Seekparadise, deepest sympathies on the loss of your Nanna.

It is also so tough to fall into a cycle of falling in love with unattainable people. The first stage toward healing is to recognise this pattern you're in, and separate the intense feelings you're having from the person you're projecting them onto.

The man you're in love with in your mind is not the same person he actually is. You mention that he has "all" the qualities you look for in a life partner; surely the most important quality should be someone who is capable of loving you, and actually does love you?

Having a partner who understands and cares for you is a minimum requirement in a successful relationship. Sometimes when our self-esteem is very low, we can latch on to any form of interest and affection from another person, because deep down we don't feel we deserve that love. Then when they pull away, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I would highly recommend looking up a book called Women Who Love Too Much, it describes stories from many women in similar situations to yours. I've read it and found it very helpful.

Good on you for seeking help, both with your GP, psych and here. Don't lose hope. Keep hold of that flame within yourself, and own it. The key to recovery will be in learning to become your own rock rather than seeking to be held by another. Don't seek to be rescued... seek to be your own lighthouse.