Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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maltagirl Not being able to trust
  • replies: 1

I have been dating my current boyfriend for a year and a half now and it is my first serious relationship. In this time he hasn't given me any reason to not trust him, but yet i don't. I know where this comes from, about 4 years ago now i was the one... View more

I have been dating my current boyfriend for a year and a half now and it is my first serious relationship. In this time he hasn't given me any reason to not trust him, but yet i don't. I know where this comes from, about 4 years ago now i was the one to find out my dad was having an affair on my mum. I know my boyfriend is a completely different person but yet i still can't find it in myself to let go and fully trust him. things like talking over facebook and getting left on read and him being active and not replying doesn't help and i know he doesn't mean it but my mind goes to the worst possible thoughts otherwise when i'm with him i am fine. I have thought about just not talking during the day but i feel as if i would still have those same feelings if he is still using social media. Is there anything i can do to fully open my heart and trust him 100% ? i am open to any suggestions

Vik_xo Husband won't sleep in bed with me.
  • replies: 3

Hi all, i'm just after some advice, my husband and I have been together for a total of 10 years and married for over 2, we have recently returned from a Holiday in Greece and had decided to start trying for a baby, once we returned it all went downhi... View more

Hi all, i'm just after some advice, my husband and I have been together for a total of 10 years and married for over 2, we have recently returned from a Holiday in Greece and had decided to start trying for a baby, once we returned it all went downhill from there, So long story short my husband is suffering from depression, he has been for awhile and it has caused many difficulties in our relationship over the years, when he has his episodes he blames it on me and he refuses to get any sort of professional help due to bad childhood experiences, I myself suffer from addiction, anxiety, depression and bipolar which for the most part I have learnt to live with and control , however when my husbands depression kicks in he find any reason to blame me, he says i belittle him or that i don't want him because most of the time I have low libido due to my anxiety and stress, he seems to take it personally even though I repeatedly reassure him its not him, anyway so since we have returned his depression has kicked back in and he has decided he would rather sleep on the couch instead of in bed with me, this started a week ago because i didn't put my phone away quick enough when I went to bed and he got angry and slept on the lounge, now this has triggered my depression and anxiety and i'm feeling quite hopeless right now, he is treating me like a roommate, wont show me any affection and wont talk to me unless its completely necessary, this weekend he is going away to his dads farm to help him so I was hoping the space might help until he asked me to clear the spare room so he can use it. Now i'm here trying to keep myself together, i'm trying not to let it get to me, i have doing my best to keep calm, cooking dinner, cleaning and giving him space but nothing seems to be improving and now all i want to do is fall back into my addiction to keep myself from falling apart again, iv seen professionals in the past, but they just tell me the same thing and refer me to a psychiatrist to be put on meds which i never go to because well i'm an addict so i don't see how putting pills in front of me will help.. some advice would be appreciated.

batman0504 help me with my options, relationship issues
  • replies: 33

Hi there, im new to this i have literally nowhere else to go or anyone to help. i have been in a relationship for almost 6 years, im engaged. our relationship has been a rocky one as have only really been with each other and nobody else. over the yea... View more

Hi there, im new to this i have literally nowhere else to go or anyone to help. i have been in a relationship for almost 6 years, im engaged. our relationship has been a rocky one as have only really been with each other and nobody else. over the years we have had some amazing times and horrible times, she has had a rough upbringing which has taken its toll on her and a very very bad parent that controls her life even post 21 years of age, this controlling effects her profusely and through her effects me too, we have been trying to move out so we can try and live a life of our own and test the waters as i cant handle it anymore. she is on a similar boat but she also feels guilt towards abaonding her family despite their actions and carelessness towards her. we recently had a sizable arguement regarding our future she has come around and is trying to put in the effort to continue on however im feeling quite scarred and damaged from this and all the previous 5 years of arguements that its starting to leave a bad taste in my mouth towards her which i know isnt her fault but im starting to contemplate if our relationship really is what i want or is the right thing to push for. ontop of this i have a best friend that i have known longer than my partner who happens to be female and gets along no worries with my partner. however previous to meeting my partner i had a crush on this friend and i decided that it wouldnt ever happen and i should move on, fast forward 6 years to present day and recently its come to my realisation that i am not over that crush, long story short my best friend fits my life better than my partner ever could and i have her almost on par or higher on my priority list for personal reasons not associated with being madly in love with her. im trying to decide if this is a phase and i can live with the crush buried in my head and push through with my relationship or if i should call it quits be single and wonder what could have been and/or sit and wait to see if my best friend ever comes around and confesses some unknown love for me that im not aware of. this friend of mine genuinely makes me feel like the luckiest person in the world and brings me more happiness than my partner ever could dream of. i know this sounds all quite bad but please dont judge me i cant control what i feel. i love both of them but on different levels and i am at wits end with what i should do.

Chickenhead Emotional abusive relationship- 6 years on
  • replies: 7

Hi everyone, I left an emotionally abusive relationship 6 years ago. At the time I was confused and hurt (read high anxiety, depression) and didn't really fathom the full extent of what was going on, but I knew in my gut that what was happening was n... View more

Hi everyone, I left an emotionally abusive relationship 6 years ago. At the time I was confused and hurt (read high anxiety, depression) and didn't really fathom the full extent of what was going on, but I knew in my gut that what was happening was not right. After leaving, I very quickly realised from his response that I did not want to go back. There was no apology or anything for his behaviour, just blame and anger for all I'd put him through that forced him to treat me that way, and a lot of arguement as to why he hadn't done anything bad enough for me to leave. At the time I tried to explain why I left, I did my best but he didn't agree my excuses where enough so he came to the conclusion I was lying and had something to hide. since then I have done everything I can think of to cut him out of my life. Divorce, I've moved, changed my number, blocked him on all social media (which I no longer post to to stop him gaining more info about me), etc etc. but he still finds ways to tell anybody he can that I left him without cause and that I cheated, I have a illegitimate child, I'm a bad person etc. He's written my neighbours, bank, boss, all my extended family, church pastor, regularly writes my parents and siblings. It's now been 6 years since I left him. I maintain he has no right to my information, I do not want any contact with him, I do not want to know about him, and yet he is still finding ways to get people to contact me on his behalf to beg that I "contact him just to explain". The latest told me via messenger that he has blood cancer and my leaving without explaining is badly effecting his mental health. I immediately blocked this person. I have worked so hard to recover from the damage that relationship did, my anxiety is the lowest it's possibly ever been, but now I'm just angry. Six years and I'm still having to be so careful and guarded. I've received legal advice and advice from the police that as he posses no physical threat, there's nothing I can do legally to put a stop to it. So what, I just keep on like this?? Are there any people with experience with an emotional abuser who has any advice on how to stop this, or how long it may continue?? All the websites I've read say I need to cut him out, but it's just not working. thank you kindly for your responses.

RoseToez That isolation period after leaving father of children
  • replies: 4

I have 2 boys, 1 year old and almost 3 year old. I broke up from their Dad 3 months ago. I have Bipola type II so on antidepressants and mood stabilizers. So on most part I dont think too negatively.. when we first broke up I thought I'm going to bli... View more

I have 2 boys, 1 year old and almost 3 year old. I broke up from their Dad 3 months ago. I have Bipola type II so on antidepressants and mood stabilizers. So on most part I dont think too negatively.. when we first broke up I thought I'm going to blitz this, im not doing any different then when I was with him im just happier now. Moved in to a new place that kids and I love. Their dad and I planned on being friends for the kids and he said hed have them any time but that went down hill real quick and before fathers day he hadnt seen them for 3 weeks and now it's been a month since then. We havent spoken at all. Every conversation we had before that hed just come out with some really nasty stuff. Just recently I realised I was drinking too much and decided to quit.. I didnt realise that anytime I was feeling good I'd drink and then become insanely depressed later that night and the few days after.. antidepressants and alcohol dont mix so it was a no brainer. At the moment I'm in a funny place. I'm someone who has a really addictive personality.. video games, drinking, sex, pot smoking, cigarettes.. quit the pot and cigarettes.. video games no time for.. so at the moment I'm free of everything bar the meds. I'm isolated I deleted Facebook. I have no close friends apart from my mum.. I have very few friends I can just text. Having high sex drive and not getting that either really plays on my mood. I guess I'm missing him but I guess im just generally lonely. And im sort of at a point in the separation where im starting to forget all the negativity and remembering the good times. But then I remember that all those happy memories are always going to be stronger then the negative ones in the long term.. that's why we go back.. and then were stuck in that same situation all over again. That and were lonely and cant get the fix to fill that empty hole as quickly as wed like, when time's the only thing that can fill it. My first step is to get over the drinking, sleep well, be happy for the kids and concentrate on my health and we'll get there.

JackSparra Just Need Help...
  • replies: 3

Hello, I’m 43 years old. My wife and I separated back in June 2017 after 10 years together. The relationship had become quite toxic, and we argued a lot and it seemed like we were together for the kids and out of convenience, and things hadn’t been g... View more

Hello, I’m 43 years old. My wife and I separated back in June 2017 after 10 years together. The relationship had become quite toxic, and we argued a lot and it seemed like we were together for the kids and out of convenience, and things hadn’t been good for a long time. I met a wonderful girl, who's 31 years old, back in April 2017 who was also married at the time, and in a loveless, mundane marriage. She’d been with him for 12-13 years and married for 10. She made the choice to leave her husband, after many years of trying to work it out with him, and explaining what she was missing from the relationship. We both found a rental property and have been living together since July 2017. She has two wonderful kids who live with us 50/50. Things have been really great but in the last 2-3 months I’ve noticed a change in her. She doesn’t seem to want to touch me, or come and cuddle me or just come and kiss me and tell me how she feels about me. She doesn't tell me to my face how she feels, or just look me in the eye and tell me she loves me. I’m a very outwardly affectionate person, and I’m quite touchy feely which she knows, but every time I’ve tried talking with her, it just seems like it’s one excuse after another. She will say things like “I am affectionate, I sit with you on the couch, we still hold hands, I still kiss you…” and yet it’s always me making the moves to kiss her, or cuddle her. We haven’t had sex in around 5 weeks but again when I’ve spoken to her about it, she says that she’s content just hanging out and chilling etc and she felt that I was putting pressure on her or that there was an expectation to do it. She hasn’t instigated sex in a long time, and says it’s not really her thing, and that she will be more flirty or cheeky rather than just start kissing me to get things started or whatever. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve expressed how I feel in many ways. Over email, text, written letters, in person with her. None of it seems to matter, or it’s like my wants and needs don’t matter. I just want to be with someone who “wants” me and is comfortable with showing it, consistently. I’m consistent with her, and always rubbing her back, or playing with her hair etc and I spoil her a fair bit but even when I go to give her a passionate kiss, she just doesn’t seem into it. Is it me? Am I being too needy or overthinking things which is causing me to feel like this? I just don’t know what to do, or who to talk to about it all.

Maui757 Is it my boyfriend that’s annoying me or his mum?
  • replies: 7

Hi All, I'm having a lot of anxiety about my relationship with my boyfriend lately. We've been together for more than 5 years now and despite the usual ups and downs, things have been pretty great overall. Lately though I've been finding myself getti... View more

Hi All, I'm having a lot of anxiety about my relationship with my boyfriend lately. We've been together for more than 5 years now and despite the usual ups and downs, things have been pretty great overall. Lately though I've been finding myself getting really annoyed every time I go to visit him. He lives with his parents (And has done for our entire relationship except for a 6 month period we rented together - That's another story) and is currently waiting for his own house to finish being built (hopefully end of this year/start of next year). So each time I go to visit him, I always end up getting really annoyed at his Mum (she drives me insane) for multiple reasons. But now it's like I'm getting annoyed at him as well, because he doesn't seem to see the issue his Mum is causing me, and I guess it's making me feel hurt. I'm starting to get so fed up with it that I don't want to be there anymore. But I'm having trouble convincing myself (and my anxiety) that it's just from the stress his Mum is causing me, and not our actual relationship. When we're on our own or away from his parents, things are usually pretty great. I suffer major anxiety and depression, and that is bound to get me down occasionally, but otherwise our relationship seems fine. I'm just not sure what to do in the mean time? I want to see my partner, but I hate spending the entire time being annoyed at him and his Mum!! I asked for some time with JUST us before I went and visited last time, to which he said sure, we could do something by ourselves. But we barely got half a day before we were interrupted by a list of jobs his Mum wanted help with. Now I am happy to help, but we've been helping out EVERY weekend I'm up there (I work away on a mine so I only get to see my partner every 2nd weekend or so, and I'm driving 3hrs after work on a Friday and leaving at 3am on a Monday to go back to work). I was really offended that he didn't see the problem with us not even getting one whole day to ourselves, and we tried to discuss it but it ended in an argument and I'm not sure he quite understood my feelings in the end. Is this stress fixable? Is this something that is pointing towards the end of my relationship? Or do I just need to get things straight between his Mum and him and me and making time for us? Sorry if this is confusing, it's a long story and I tried to keep it short. Maui

auschic Everytime I speak up I regret it
  • replies: 3

Most of my life I kept things to myself. I dealt with alot of pain and negative emotions by myself. I dont know why this is, maybe its because my family was not the 'emotional' type. We never talked about feelings or any of that stuff everything was ... View more

Most of my life I kept things to myself. I dealt with alot of pain and negative emotions by myself. I dont know why this is, maybe its because my family was not the 'emotional' type. We never talked about feelings or any of that stuff everything was very strict. When i met my bf of 3 years he noticed i didnt express my feelings much and of course being in a serious relationship communication is important. He always told me that i can tell him how i feel no matter what, even if its bad and he will listen. This made me trust him over time of course and i had definitely came out of my shell more and able to freely express myself over the 3 years weve been together. However he sometimes goes against what he said to me and it messes with my head. Last night he did something that annoyed me and i called him out on it he said sorry but i was still annoyed in the moment (i believe i have a right to be annoyed). I walked off and started hanging some clothes out and he asked what was wrong, i said i was still annoyed. He told me i was being dramatic, over sensitive and that i should get over it. i got more upset at this because its like he just invalidated what im feeling because he didnt deem it appropriate. I mean when his annoyed and needs 5 mins to calm down i respect that and dont question it. I just dont get why he would say i can express myself and then do this. It makes me not want to say anything at all. I explained this whole thing to him and he said that im making him out to be a bad guy when literaly all im saying is that he shouldnt invalidate my emotions by saying im being over dramatic... this makes me feel guilty. By the way his reasoning for saying i was being dramatic was because i told him i was annoyed when i went to hang the clothes out. According to him, if i told him i was annoyed straight away (30 secs prior) he would have respected it. I explained how this is upsetting me cos he cant expect me to be perfect, whether i say it straight away or 1 minite later it doesnt change how i feel. I just knew i should of said nothing at all. This is why id rather not tell people how i feel.

Needingadvice2018 confused. whats more important.?
  • replies: 11

Hello, first time posting but needed to find a safe place. Ill try to keep it simple and short. me: two kids (8&12) live with me, see dad fortnight weekends (court ordered). marriage ended due to DV and Ive finally recovered to the place where I am a... View more

Hello, first time posting but needed to find a safe place. Ill try to keep it simple and short. me: two kids (8&12) live with me, see dad fortnight weekends (court ordered). marriage ended due to DV and Ive finally recovered to the place where I am almost back to normal functioning (or whatever that may be). him: two kids (9&11)4.5 yr relationship. shares kids 50/50 with his ex - not court ordered just mutually agreed. us: together 5 years, had child together who is now 2years old. Lived in or own places first 3.5years, then moved in together before baby was born, this resulted in his kids living primarily with mum during the week and weekends with us and then approx 70/30split with school holidays (to us for longer time). Ex wife and kids started having problems with the arrangement about 9 months ago, kids wanted dad closer to them. our houses are 2 hours apart. Dad ended up moving back to where older kids were. Our relationship continued, albeit difficult as I feel like a single mum to 3 kids and miss him consistently. We are struggling with not seeing each other, he misses our youngest and my kids miss him terribly also. I am currently in a position where I feel happy and building confidence again. seeing a psychologist for best part of last 7 years and dealing with what the medical field label PTSD from my first relationship. I am so so scared of loosing the most wonderful man in my life, and we both are really upset and confused as to what we need to do or more importantly whats more important in our lives at the moment. I can not move to where he lives currently, I am finally settled with kids, schooling, working, study, and have a huge extended support crew and family close by who I see almost daily. The thought of moving to where he lives terrifies me, its like history coming alive and I know I cant go back to that mental state again. Its very close to where my ex lives. He on the other hand doesn't want to leave where he is because of his older kids and now blames me for not just moving myself and the 3 kids to where he is. I don't know how to explain to him why Im so scared. Ive tried but he thinks its just excuses. I wish it was. We want to be together but it feels like we live separate lives and everyone is suffering (except his kids as they are happy with the week at dads and week at mums). I guess Im after any advice anyone has, how to deal with emotions, its like i live fifo when we see each other weekends. Im just lost.confused.

Guest_920 Feeling rejected after years of dating
  • replies: 4

I thought it would be good to post and ask you guys for some help as I'm a little unsure what to do now. I'm a 27 year old female and have done almost 4 years of online dating whilst also going to meetup groups. I was in a serious relationship for tw... View more

I thought it would be good to post and ask you guys for some help as I'm a little unsure what to do now. I'm a 27 year old female and have done almost 4 years of online dating whilst also going to meetup groups. I was in a serious relationship for two years up until I was 24. It ended quiet badly (being cheated on) and I do feel ever since then I struggled with dating. I guess in the past four years I thought I would be in a relationship by now or at least have dated someone seriously rather than just flings. I have been on so many online dates I have lost track and rarely go on second dates. Sometimes they will ask me on a second, only then to seem not interested or will cancel. The online dating has become a bit of an addiction for me as I feel I get excited about the possibility of meeting someone new and am hopeful of a different outcome everytime (but it doesn't seem to happen). During this time I feel my depression has come back and I find it challenging not to worry about my lack of love life. I have lost alot of friendships over talking about dating frustrations with friends and problems I'm experiencing (which does make me feel more lonely than before). I have invested so much time into this that I feel I have lost the essence of who I am and what makes me interesting. Putting so much time into something with lack of results and leaving me feeling unconfident. More about who I am, I have grown up in a lovely family and am grateful for everything I have. I am bubbly, friendly and love to have a laugh. I do get down from time to time though and when people see this side they tend to back away and make reasons for not being able to talk or hangout. I do understand it would be frustrating to see a friend go through the same cycles over and over again, and can be hard to know how to respond. I guess I don't know whether I should just accept I may not find a relationship at this point. Would love to hear any similar situations or advice that could help. Thanks so much! I'm feeling very rejected from the whole experience. Don't get my wrong I have had some really lovely dates but I'm wanting more at this point.