:( boyfriend / porn

[oooverthinker]

I get really sad and anxious over the thought of my boyfriend watching porn.

Whenever he is home alone, all I can do is think about it.

To set a context we have a healthy sex life and have only been together 7 months. We spend a lotttt of time together but I've found whenever I am not with him he will look at porn.
I don't really have many insecurities (that I'm aware of) nor have I been single for more than a month in the past 8 years (I'm 24). I have talked to him about it and he said he will stop watching porn but I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't want to keep something from him that he must enjoy. I get really down about it daily, I've even been having nightmares and broken sleeps because of it. I try and make sure we spend as much time together as possible or try avid him being home alone (I am aware this is not healthy behaviour).

I just want to stop thinking about this and feeling the way I do. If anybody has any advice on this please reach out.

[Doolhof]

Hi overthinker,

People may respond to your story here in many different ways as the people's ideas and concepts of porn will vary immensely. Some people will think it is okay, others may not be in favour of it.

It seems that you are not happy with your boyfriend enjoying porn to meet his sexual needs. Do you know if this has been a behaviour of his for a long time? He may see no reason to stop this so it may be difficult for yo to make him change or suggest he does.

I'm not saying you need to accept it, we all need to set up boundaries, stick to our principles and beliefs, and it seems like this behaviour has trigged you.

You have discussed the issue with him, communication is important. Trying to control what he does might be difficult.

How does his porn behaviour make you feel? Maybe if you think about that and explain it further to him, he may decide to make changes.

Like I wrote, some people have no concern at all with porn, others do. It may be that yo will have to make a decision as to where you want to be in your relationship if he continues to do something you don't appreciate.

Hope you find some answers. Cheers from Dools

[Soberlicious96]

Hi there,

On reading your post I can't help but think that sexually obsessive thinking and behavior can take many forms; as in not only with his desire to watch porn, but perhaps (and I could be wrong) also, by your own admission, your constant worrying about it and the desire to control his sexual urges? Does that make sense? What I mean is, that what I'm reading here is that you are both thinking about sex a whole lot, just not in the same way.

Just a question; how did you find out he looks at porn when you're not with him? Did he tell you himself? Because if not, then perhaps there are other issues at play?

You're both still quite young and may I suggest that it's important to remember that men and women are wired differently; which means that libido/sex drive can ebb and flow just like happiness and sadness can. Not every day is a great day, even though most days may be great. Not every day is a 'sexy' day, even though you may have/want sex most days. Also, us women probably have more fluctuations in our hormone levels each month than men do. Maybe sometimes he's just after a quick and easy 'tension reliever', without having to worry about performance and satisfaction of a partner? Who knows?

My advice? Talk to him open and honestly. Maybe talk to some understanding friends, and maybe too you could do some research on male and female sexual compatibility? Maybe you're already doing that? I don't know. It can be a tough one to talk about though.

Either that or, yeah, maybe you are just overthinking it.

If it helps to know, I have several ex partners that have looked at porn and got off on it ....... but the ones that bothered me the most were not the ones that watched porn ......... it was the one or two that did actually cheat on me. I for one don't really see porn as a problem, but I DO see dishonesty as a problem. If you are both honest enough with each other to have an open conversation about sex and all it's fears and fun stuff, then that's great!

If not, then I guess it's an issue.

Anyway, don't know if any of that helped. Hope it did though, even if only a little.

[Croix]

Dear Overthinker~
I’d like to join Mrs Dools in welcoming you here.

I can’t say I’ve any particular answers to your unhappiness over this situation, however I’d like to offer some thoughts.

For me a relationship is about the character the other person, if they love me, if I love them. If they are honest, reliable and fun to be with. Wanting to make the other person happy and cherishing them is an important part of it. Their worlds have to join together.

Sex is highly important too of course, though I’m not sure that all couples are in the happy situation of both having equal sexual needs. Apart from enjoyment it can bring people closer together and be a reassurance. It bonds.

The fact you are able to talk with your BF about this means, I think, that you are already ahead of the game. Not all people will be frank in this area.

Mrs Dools did ask how you feel, and I’d ask the same thing. Many will feel insulted, feeling they should be enough for their partner. Others compare themselves against this fantasy unrealistic world and see themselves as not being able to compete, forgetting it is fantasy.

It is most unhappy tendency in modern society to emphasize unrealistic human attributes. This is not just in porn, but advertising, TV, movies and all the rest.

Once you have an idea of what is making you unhappy a couple of things may happen. Firstly you might then know exactly what you want or need, what you are prepared to tolerate, what is harmful to you, what is important.

Some may demand a blanket prohibition, others will respond to reassurances of love, affection and sexual compatibility. Others again are not having their sexual needs met and feel this diversion of energy is unfair.

The other point of course is that it gives you a firm basis to talk things over with your BF.

You quite wisely said that trying to monopolize all his time simply to prevent him being alone is probably not a good idea, apart from anything else it puts a lot more stress on you. It may also seem somewhat controlling.

I hope the two of you manage to come to a satisfactory conclusion on this

Croix

[oooverthinker]

Thank you for your thoughtful responses.

I was a little upset and brief when originally posting this so I didn't go into much detail, however some answers to questions below.

How does it make me feel?
I guess it just makes me feel small. In a way I just wish he only wanted sexual experiences with me; I know that it is only with himself, however it feels like in his mind it's with the ladies being filmed. Maybe that is insane and obsessive, and it is driving me crazy, but I just feel like it's a form of cheating. I cannot help but think that if he were there in that porn video in that moment that he's about to finish, he would jump right in. Then I feel betrayed and like I cannot fulfil his needs.
I'll also add he is such an amazing, loyal, kind and caring guy. He even sent me flowers because he knew he had upset me. I love him a lot and do not want to lose him, it's just my overthinking and I guess 'undiagnosed' anxiety that makes me feel this way.

How did I find out?
We went away for 3 weeks over Christmas and the first night we were back my phone had died so I went to google something on his (he is always so open and tells me I can always use his phone, this being the first time). Porn came up straight away so with curiosity I looked at his history wondering when on earth he watched it. I asked him straight away 'do you look at porn every time I am not around?' and we had a (teary on my behalf) chat about it, he was very honest and said he thought it was completely normal as none of his ex girlfriends ever had a problem with it, he comforted me and told me he had no idea I felt this way and that he would stop. I instantly felt like I was overreacting, as my friends also while not really liking it, feel as though porn is used by most males and they're just used to it.

Has this been a behaviour of his for a long time?
Yes. Before I even saw it on his phone he would joke about it, and we always talk openly if we find somebody of the opposite sex attractive. We both have pretty high sex drives, him especially however he doesn't last very long, therefore it leaves me wanting more and when I see he's doing it without me I feel hurt.

To conclude I don't know why it bothers me so much. I would rather just somehow get over this obsession than have him stop watching it because in a way, I know our sex life will get very boring in a couple of years if we just rely on each other and don't explore our fantasies.
:(

[Croix]

Dear Oooverthinker~

Thanks for coming back and explaining more, I suspect it is not an easy thing to do.

Let me say that I find all your concerns are totally understandable. In a serious relationship I'd think for most people wanting the person you love to only have sex with you is quite natural, it is after all a very intimate thing. In fact his not doing so could very much make you feel isolated and even betrayed. Plus one cannot help comparing oneself with those images - an impossible goal. Even ordinary film stars look totally different off camera without makeup.

As you are also feeling he does not meet all your needs I'm not surprised you are unhappy.

You have been taking about being with him for the foreseeable future, and I guess it is a question of both building to make it work. As he has promised to change perhaps that is as far as you can go at this stage. It also occurs to me that letting him know all your needs are not being met and exploring how that can be accomplished might be good too, though it is something that might need a deal of tact - what do you think?

Croix