I don't know if my boyfriend is abusive.

[PsychedelicFur]

Hey folks, I have a few concerns about my current relationship. 

Yesterday we were meeting up at the train station in the CBD. I live 45 minutes away and we were going to meet up after his work for dinner. I was three minutes late and he didn't want to wait for me. Our plan was to meet up at the train station and head to the restaurant together. Although, my train was running a bit late and I apologised profusely but he left the train station and went without me. Once I arrived at the train station I was panicking and I admittedly acted very irrational with asking him where he was and explaining how I was feeling constantly over text. 

He told me I was being negative. And I was choosing the option to go home because I felt rejected and unheard. And he said he would enjoy his meal and he will talk to his mother instead about his day. And when I told him I was feeling really sad he left a smiley face over text and it made me feel really neglected and unloved. We had made the plans the day before to meet at the station but I was three minutes late and he didn't want to wait for me. 

Admittedly I did act a little irrational and told him I was really upset with him, over text on a continuous loop because I felt unheard and rejected. 

There have been a few others things that have been happening that has made me question the relationship. 

• Telling me what to wear once when I was wearing tracksuit pants and a jumper because it wasn't feminine. 
• Frequently telling me I'm doing things incorrectly; whether it is putting too much toothpaste on my tooth brush or telling me i should not have got the numbing for my tooth when i went to the dentist. 
• Said he wishes he could have done more for lunch for us after getting us free chips from Grilld but then bought himself a donut after lunch for himself. 
• He told me he was glad I had lost weight otherwise he would not have dated me.

Just a few things. Not sure what to do or if I'm overreacting. Feeling disrespected and unheard. 

[Croix]

Dear Psychedelic Fur~

Welcome back. I'm sorry your boyfriend acts the way he does, it is no wonder you feel disrespected and unheard.

To go away becuse a train was a little late would indicate to me he did not care enough to wait for me. Al those orders he gives, clothing, toothpaste or no numbing are not his business, they are yours. Plus saying he values the relationship so little that if you had put on weight he would leave.

These are all means of abusing and controlling you and are not on. From your account today and from what you ave said in the past he sounds a most unpleasant person.

Sadly you seem to make excuses or blame yourself -a common reaction when ill-treated but totally undeserved.  How are you supposed to know he went off, and left you by yourself except by texting. Plus that bit of panic was very understandable in the circumstances.

Can I suggest you step back for a moment and see the sort of relationship you are in and realistically if it is going to improve. There is nothing you can do on that front, trying to please more will simply make things worse. Is this the sort of relationship you want?

Please do nut undervalue yourself, I've known you for many years and find you intelligent, empathetic, wiht a sense of humor and ability to face hard times -you have a lot to offer the right person.

Can I ask if there is anyone to give you support? Trying to face all this alone is hard.

Croix

[PsychedelicFur]

Hey Croix, 

Many thanks for your response. 

I don't want to be in this relationship any more because there are such big highs and really low lows, if that makes sense. 

I have my family and a friend but I just feel like it's hard to not be in a relationship because I feel this strong sense of co dependency, like a trauma response. 

I'm a very damaged person with lots of emotional baggage and I was quite rude in my text messages last night because it installed a sense of abandonment and fear in me.

He always pursues me heavily after disagreements, especially when I try to break off with him. And that's what makes it so hard. 

I have tried to break up with him in the past, on numerous occasions but he always heavily puruses me and promises to change. 

Feeling stuck. Feeling trapped. Feeling like I have lost a sense of myself. 

[Croix]

Dear PsychedelicFur

You are the same self I met 5 years ago with brains, your own preferences in clothing and music, and ability to deal with the hard things life sends you. Someone most certainly worthy of love and respect.

I don't know how to let you really feel that deep down inside, maybe some counceling might be in order, however until you feel worthy I suspect you are going to let other people take advantage.

Yes of course he tries to make up, he would lose the person he has the pleasure of controlling and bullying otherwise. Promises to reform and do better do not seem to last.

Of course you want to depend on someone, but a person who can depend on you too, and feel cherished and secure - on an even keel, not unhappy episodes all the time.

Can I suggest you increase your social life, it might show you there are other people you may be interested in - or they may be interested in you

You might also contact 1800RESPECT, who can explain abuse much better than I

Croix

[PsychedelicFur]

I love him so much but he hurt me. I wish he didn't. 😞

[Croix]

Dear PsychedelicFur~

In some ways it is easier to keep on loving, keep on being hurt and simply living that life. You do not have to worry about finding someone else and you want to believe each time he promises to do better, even though you know that is not going to happen.

I have a good life, with a partner that goes out of their way not to hurt me, in other words loving and thoughtful. My previos partner, who sadly passed away quite young, was the same.

I'm only ordinary, nothing special, but have been the recipient of love. No big arguments or hassles as we both try to make the life of the other as good as can be.

That is the sort of life you deserve, not one sided but a partnership.

Croix

[PsychedelicFur]

Thank you, Croix. Those words are very kind and reassuring. 

[PsychedelicFur]

I feel so trapped and drained by my relationship. I feel like my needs aren't met and I try to keep breaking things off but my partner is persistent and stubborn. 

The other day I was at his home at it got late. I asked him if he could drive me home because I don't feel comfortable riding the train at like 9pm or 10pm by myself. I felt like my safety wasn't his concern. And he told me to just be 'mature' and take the train. 

He has started at new job and I understand that he may have been tired but even when he was unemployed he would make excuses up as to why he didn't want to drive me home. One excuse was that it took up too much of his time. 

I feel so unheard and unsafe. And then he told me today, over messages that it isn't his responsibility to 'baby' me and make sure I get home. 

And that upset me. It makes me feel like my needs are not being met. I am severely burnt out because I feel trapped in a dead end relationship. I try and break things off but he is actually very stubborn and extremely persistent. 

He then tells me that the train is actually safe for him and that he doesn't understand why I don't want to catch the train back home at night. 

Usually I drive to his place but sometimes I can't afford petrol. So sometimes I will take public transport to his house during the day. 

I feel like I can't depend on him for anything now. My needs were unmet and ignored. 

And today I have told him I need time alone and he keeps being persistent and trying to convince me to hang out with him. Even though I have told him I'm tired. He then proceeds to make me feel guilty. And I'm tired. It's the kind of fatigue that sleep can't fix. 

I feel trapped. Is this my life forever now? 

[byuuy892]

Hello PsychedelicFur,

I don't have experience in the relationship department, but I feel there's some interesting behaviours you're describing in scenarios I've heard of or seen myself. Hopefully my two cents aren't inaccurate or offensive in some form.

I believe he's trying to seem tough/uncaring/cool etc. The "train 3 minutes late" incident is just ridiculous, I won't waste your time going over each case but he was not acting normal, he was disrespectful to you and exhibited unnatural behaviour. It seems like he's trying to portray a certain image of himself. But despite this, his behaviour often reeks of insecurity, and he keeps trying to guilt trip you into staying with him.

I think he's doing these disrespectful/neglectful/strange/forceful behaviours to compensate for insecurities. He probably got ideas looking at chauvinistic online influencers or whatnot. The Grill'd/Donut one for example is simply comical on his part, it's so forced. I'm sorry if that's rude to say, but I'm just trying to describe what I'm seeing.

You may be aware of this sort of perspective already. But if so, I'm curious if you've asked him about it. If he doesn't own up to it and try to be more genuine with you, I don't think it's something you should tolerate anymore and you should leave. But obviously I don't know the full picture and that's your personal decision.

[Croix]

Dear PsychedelicFur~

OK, I'll take your question "Is this my life forever now?" seriously and give you a serious answer. It depends upon you. 

Your latest post lists a whole load of incidents where you have been disrespected, failed to be protected and you wishes belittled and ignored.

I'm sure I've told you in the past there are other people in the world, two of whom have been partners to me, and neither showed any of those traits, they have genuinely wanted to look after me and make me happy -as I have felt about them.

Now it is no use my saying 'leave' or 'stay' as I don't know you circumstances, or even if you have anywhere to go. It is your decision of course.  I can say you should be aware of how far things have gone downhill and see what opportunities may come up in the future.

To talk about something else for a moment, have you a favorite song just now? It used to be "Eleanor Rigby". I think I'll stick with Janice "O Lord won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz"

Croix