I don’t enjoy life

[MeccaAddict]

I don’t know how else to say this, 

but more often than not, I hate my life intensely.

I am in my mid thirties, with two kids aged 8 & 4 who are very loved. I have been with my husband for 12 years. He’s a good man, we live in a lovely house and great suburb. On paper, life is perfect.

My youngest is a very sweet child, however they have a developmental delay and require speech and occupational therapy. They are improving but still seem like a 2 year old, with tantrums, comprehension, unable to converse at the age they should and while I know it could be far worse, I am so exhausted & miss being able to do normal things in public (such as grocery shopping or taking them to dinner) without complete meltdowns & them running away. They look so normal so I feel people judge them and me without understanding. I remember thinking how hard things were at the age of two, but that is was developmentally normal, and two years later, we are still in the same boat.

My oldest is also a beautiful child and excels at all they do. They have met milestones perfectly and then some. But being their safe space, I bear the brunt of any of their anger and frustration which although normal, can be a very hard role to be in.

My husband is a good man, a great father but we have no relationship apart from being flatmates and co-parents, and it’s too far gone that I don’t even have any interest in trying to be romantic anymore, and he certainly makes no effort. I wish he would wake up and say he was leaving as I am not brave enough to be the one to pull the pin.

I had a pretty traumatic childhood and while both of my parents are in my life, a lot of my experience has made me cold and unable to talk to people about how I am feeling, and I mask how I am doing (which is not good) and everyone would think my life is great.

I don’t even know what to say or do, but i do know i think often about how much i hate how my life is turning out. I adore my children and but this wasn’t what i pictured life looking like, a loveless marriage and so many years deep in the trenches, where I feel stressed. I am lonely and so often I wish i could turn the clock back and make different choices.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Firstly, you are a wonderful mother and I adore your approach to this topic.

I grew up with a brother that was diabetic type 1 and with a nervous mother we had a pretty anxious childhood in the 60's meaning them days it was a more serious illness. Also later in life I found out I was bipolar etc etc. So the turmoil was real. I understand.

I dont know if you work or not which is a bit crucial to my suggestions. I'm going to be bold here and suggest that a separation could be the answer to your problems and I say that because often in these circumstances a radical change is needed. If you dont approach things courageously then the same years after year will take its toll. So for a moment imagine suggesting to your husband that you'd like to move out but live nearby and co parent or he have the kids every second weekend if living further away. Suddenly you'd be relieved because you'd have spare time alone to get your social life back on track even enjoy dating one day. 

I'd like to see you take more control over your life. I and you, wouldnt blame anyone for this dilemma, its life, it happens, its unavoidable but you really need to take matters in your own hands. If you take this measure you might remain good friends with your spouse (some can some cant) but essentially have a working relationship with your children. 

I dont see any other problem really, your lack of emotional support, affection and romance is making life hollow.

DRIFTING AWAY

There's an honour being a parent and dedicating your life

To be a special mother, a carer and a wife

But everyone deserves to release a snow white dove

Every few days... to feel the love

And in a few spare moments when you fall into ones arms

You'll hear their heart beat, their care and some calm

The absence of that affection for some day to day

Can end in happiness drifting away...

TonyWK

[MeccaAddict]

Thank you for your lovely response.

i wish i could say that the days following have felt better and i was just having a bad day when i wrote my original message, but i feel worse & i feel like i am grieving a life i saw.

The meltdowns from my youngest have been oh so full on this week, and it is the hardest experience. I am so worried that they might not catch up developmentally and that there will be so many more years of this and I am grieving for the parent/child relationship that I may not ever have with them.

I am sorry that I am not brave enough to do anything to make changes, and I am just living life on autopilot. I honestly at this very moment am in the darkest place I have ever been in.

You taking the time to even respond means the world, in a world where I am drowning so thank you.

Also, I do work full time and juggling everything is hard but thankfully work is an outlet. 

[white knight]

Being under the spectrum and bipolar when my eldest girl was a toddler her screaming and crying made me panic. I worried she'd hurt herself. I visited the GP and he said "All my years of being a doctor I've never seen a child die from crying". That one short comment sent me into a future of less worry.

Sometimes we react fearing the worse or dont realise we can just walk away, put on some headphones or other action and allow them to "melt down", or just place your hand on their shoulder as they go through their rituals. 

A friend told me in regards to me narcissistic mother and he destructive ways... "Tony, it seems to me that your own reactions are doing you more harm than she ever will do to you".  And a therapist told me  "Tony, when are you going to stop saving the world".

All those comments can be put into good use at the right moment. Emotions cloud our logic and judgement.

Here's one more "You might not see yourself as brave, but the number of people that read this thread and decide also to seek help and have benefitted from your experience is courage in itself. 

At 26yo I underwent a huge change in my life over a 30 minute period. It's detailed below. It is a message of how to be positive under extreme stress. Having a mental health issue doesnt stop me from depression and mania or not understanding people in public etc but bouncing back is just as important after we endure the tough days. So when your child has their "melt down" take 5 minutes to think about the weekend and what you are going to do with activities that will provide them with distraction and a little peace for you. 

You are doing well, I see it, I feel it... join me in that.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life/td-p/154525 

TonyWK