I deserved to be cheated on because I had depression

[Mel-ancholy]

I wish I could go back in time to my younger self and punch myself. To not stay in a relationship for 7 years with a serial cheater. I hate this guy now, because even though I am with a great guy now (together for 5.5 years, married with a kid) I still have moments when I look too much into stuff. He used to blame his behavior on the fact I suffer with depression! WTF! He made it worse!.
I am also pregnant, so I know that I plays a part, but I wish I could tell my ex what a number he did on me. I have no feelings for the guy, other than negative ones haha, and have no contact since we broke up over 6 years ago. But why do I find myself thinking that my husband will do it too? That he somehow will find a way to ruin our relationship, and I will end up looking stupid again, with a toddler and a newborn.

[smallwolf]

Hi Mel-ancholy,

welcome to beyond blue.

It is easy to dwell on things that happened in the past. It is something that I do quite well. And if something happens once it will likely happen again? I have also had those thoughts of telling people about what they did to me in different stages of my life, but for me, that will not change the fact it happened, and where I am at now. But I might be lucky that I have a psychologist to speak to as well. FYI, I have depression also. And you are not to blame for what happened in your former relationship.

There is a little exercise my psychologist gave me, and I only remember what I regard as the most important bits, but there are a few questions I ask myself:

• what evidence is there to support this thought?
• is this thought 100% true?
• is this thought healthy for me?
• what would I tell a friend if I heard this story?

You have said in your post that you are with a great guy, and a child. And we don't know what can happen in the future. Whether you do talk therapy (like me) or read self-help books, post on a forum, talk to friends, or even ask yourself the above questions, you will find that your thoughts are just that ( -> thoughts)?

Tim

PS. Congrats on the pregnancy.

[Doolhof]

Hi Mel-ancholy,

I too welcome you to the community here. I see that Tim has mentioned a few things I was thinking.

We have very little control over how other people treat us. I do know it can be hard to let go of the past hurts that have happened.

A psychologist suggested to me that I wrote letters to people expressing all the hurt and pain I felt from them and then rip the letter up. It helps in a way to let go of some of the hurt and pain.

I like to take it a step further by then writing about all the good that is happening in my life right now. It can be hard to see through the gloom of the past at times, but it is there.

One thing I have been doing lately is to take photos with my phone of something that provides me happiness, a glimpse of nature or something that is interesting to me. That way each day I build up a file of pictures to express gratitude and thankfulness.

It can be difficult at times to believe things can be different. Hope you can embrace the happiness you have now.

Maybe have a chat to your Dr, hormones could be playing a part in how you are feeling.

Cheers to you from Dools