I am in need of advice and help

[sav8331]

Hello i am new here and not really sure what to write,

my wife has left me and i have all these feels and not sure how to deal with them. i have spoken to lots of people and professionals and the biggest thing that they have said is that i criticize myself and blame myself for everything. does anyone know how to keep the thought out of my head that its all my fault?

[geoff]

Hello Sav, and welcome to the forums.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, as it's also happened to me so I know how you are feeling.

I wonder whether all these people and/or professionals have offered you another opinion, rather than 'I criticize myself and blame myself for everything', and it's not fair to mention this unless they can give you another solution because only saying this is not going to help you through this situation, simply because all you are going to do is blame yourself and this may be far from the truth.

Once you start criticising yourself then that's what people are going to believe, don't let this happen, so I wonder whether we can go through parts of what has been said so we can help you through this.

We don't criticise anybody, and I say this because each one of us has had to struggle through our own type of depression which involves many aspects of our lives, including what you have posted here, so when you have time, it would be great to hear back from you.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hey there and I second Geoff's welcome to the forums. This is a safe and welcoming space for you to share your thoughts and work through things. I wonder whether anyone that you've talked with has suggested writing your thoughts out on paper? It can be really helpful to see things visually, and it can help us get a more balanced perspective on a situation. I know, for myself, I can think something without challenging it, but when I say it out loud or put it on paper, I can see or hear that it's not quite right. Just a suggestion, as different things work for different people - but maybe something you can try.

As Geoff said, this is a great community and we'd love to hear more from you. Katy

[sav8331]

Hello Geoff

first of all thank you.

i think i may have not written it clearly, they are saying that i criticize myself to much and shouldn't do that.

everyone in my support network are lso tell me i am not the person she has mde me out to be and i shouldnt blame myself. they say if i feel what i did within my marriage was for the best for myself and my family then i have done everything i ever could have.

the issue i have is that i keep plying over and over in my head what if i did tthis or that or what if i acted this way to a situation. i am putting all the blame on myself. i know i never hit her or anything like that but her version i am a narsasis

[sav8331]

Hello Katy

thank you,

i have tried the writing things down but in a different way. i was writing letters to my ex to help explain my feels and situations that she brought up about our marriage. every letter came back with the same response. (you are so manipulative so controlling and its all about you.)

[geoff]

Hello Sav, thanks for getting back to us.

If she has sent back to you that you are so 'manipulative so controlling and it's all about you' then a breakdown between the two of you has unfortunately happened, why it has we are unsure of, and what may happen is that thoughts go through your own mind about 'what if', well what you hope to imagine might be the answer but may not suit your wife and she may be saying exactly the same to herself, but again, it might not suit you, so a common ground hasn't been reached and may not unless one person decides to give in more than the other person.

You can't think that it's necessarily your fault, you may have the answers to get your marriage back on track and by her calling you a narcissist, doesn't make your situation at all comfortable and may require a third party to administer discussion between the two of you.

I'm sorry.

Geoff.

[sav8331]

Hello Geoff

Thank you for replying.

yeah the defiantly been a big breakdown in communication, she used to have all these conversations in her own head which always lead to me shouting at her. That wouldnt have been the case but i never got the chance. we went to counselling however she never wanted to open up or understand what was going on or what she was feeling or even wanted to understand where i was coming from with feelings or opinions.

i have tryed so many times to explain to understand what she is saying but she just resorts to shouting at me and blaming me. 'it what you did, your this your that' and i took all this on and just keep blaming myselt. what could i have done if i did this or if i did that. all this keeps coming back to me in my head as i failed i am the person that is wrong.

i dont think there is any chance of a reconciliation not any time soon as she is still very angry and thinks she is the good guy and i am the bad guy.

[geoff]

Hello Sav, now I understand why the people and the professionals have said ' that I criticize myself and blame myself for everything' only because she has now said to you 'it's what you did, your this your that' and I took all this on and just keep blaming myself', may be this has nothing to do with you, what you have tried to do to rectify this situation but she doesn't want anything to do with, in other words, no matter how much you try and fix this situation, which appears not to be your fault, she doesn't want to reunite with you.

Is she a person who will want to may amends later on down the track or will she keep it as a grudge that will be raised again later on and are you prepared to be apart from one another until it cools down?

Geoff.

[sav8331]

hello Geoff

to be honest i am not sure. i think and everyone thinks she will come back but not for at least 6 months. she is still very angry and the things going on are just going to make things alot harder. i know at the moment she is holding a grudge but at the same time i cant prove anything but pretty sure she is seeing another guy already.

i hope me and her can sort things and fix things but i am not holding my breath.

i still just keep blaming myself and because i cant talk to her its hard i cant even sit down at a table and have a conversation with her.

i have so much to say, so much to ask as this is killing me. it is eating me alive inside i am not even a shell of a man anymore. i feel that because i have let my marriage fall part i have failed my children. i constantly have all these feeling and emotions and i dont know how to control them, its either curl up in a ball and cry or punch something. i choose the cry

[geoff]

Hello Sav, if she is seeing another person, then that hurts so much, although it may only be someone to talk to and depends on how they respond to the grudge she has and can be temporarily fixed but not completely understood that's when she may come back to you to try and resolve it.

Looking from the outside we're not sure what happened between the two of you and it's not our purpose to necessarily find out, but when my wife had a grudge it may not have been settled until a couple of days later because the silent treatment lasted until I approached her, she was not prepared to budge until I did this.

Please you can't blame yourself here and you can't feel guilty for thinking that you've failed your children, they may be keeping quick because your wife has a grudge so you aren't sure how they are feeling, but will be annoyed if she is seeing someone else.

Look after yourself Sav and if you like, please keep talking, I'd like to hear back from you.

Geoff.