Husband...

[Just_me_here]

Hi,

I’m not sure what to write as I am new to this but feel I do need some insight or guidance.

my husband and I have been married only 2 years, together for 6 years and we a have a young Son.

we both have intense work lives at times which does lead to distraction. Me more than him. I find it difficult to find balance.

since I met my husband he has been terrible when drinking heavy alcohol like beers, spirits etc. He becomes quite rude and a bit stupid. I’ve put up with a lot and I’ve had many false promises of change. It causes anxiety when we do go out because I just never really know what the outcome will be. Most “special” occasions are ruined and I feel quite hurt.

Of more recent times I’ve noticed alcohol consumption increase (in the past 6-12 months) and we have had a few issues that I have called out and stated I can’t continue to be hurt and let down by him and was told again that he wouldn’t drink. I’ve accepted the apology but then he changed his mind and decided to have this plan that he would drink mid strength beer, but has continued to talk about other events like gin events etc. which leaves me feeling disrespected and let down all over again.

for the last few weeks he hasn’t had an issue but has been drinking. But I can’t seem to let all the hurtful events go. It still causes me anxiety. For example I don’t want to go out New Year’s Eve like we normally would because I don’t believe it will be the light hearted fun that it should be and last New Years was horrendous that’s to his consumption level.

I’m at the point of considering leaving, as I have done for years. But I’m obviously concerned for our son.

There’s a lot to our story but this is the one I can’t seem to move on from, get over and be ok with anymore. There’s so much resentment.

[Croix]

Dear Just Me Here~

Welcome to the Forum, a place where I think many will have faced your situation

It's true that so many broken promises and bad behavior when out and intoxicated wear you down to the point you have very little faith left.

To be consistently promised better things, but see them melt away is so disheartening and makes one wonder if one is valued at all.

I guess it simply boils down to the fact your husband has an alcohol addition and like all addictions is very hard to overcome, in fact for most peple it is just about impossible to do without medical help or a support group. Hence the false promises and lies.

The hard part of course is to get the person to realise anything is wrong and then want to try to overcome it.

https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/drug-and-alcohol-rehabilitation

Is a good government site listing some organizations that help , ringing out 24/7 Support Service on 1300 22 4636 might help too, particularly if they can say what is available in your area.

Having to deal with this is very hard, and I'm wondering if you have someone to support you and lend you care and perspective. Maybe a family member or friend? Isolation makes it worse.

Please come back and talk some more

Croix

[Just_me_here]

Thanks Croix.

Yeah it has been tough. I have been “at my wits end” several times. When these events do occur I shut down, just hurt on the inside and feel like it doesn’t matter what I say. He acknowledges that he has done the wrong thing and says he will change and in the past that has been promises he can’t keep.
now he can’t understand why I don’t trust him and why I can’t accept his current “plan”.

I don’t want to come across controlling, because I’m not. But I feel like I can’t move past this if he can’t commit to not drinking for a period even. He has said that he can’t go out socially with other people who are drinking and not drink. He says he would rather not go. I understand that to some extent, however when we are at home he’s had a few beers also of a weekend. And his reason for that is that he has a stressful company to run and that is his “wind down”. Which is not a healthy way of thinking.

I am quite isolated, since Covid I’ve been through a fair bit with work. Initially I had to stay in SA for 7 weeks away from my family. Due to my role I have to advise the company I work for on Covid matters for operations that have “essential” workers moving across Australia. Since May I have been working 48 hour weeks from home. Which i am finding immensely difficult when I am used to working away.

working away give me that independence and space and can segregate work and life.
Now I’m home it’s the constant battle.
but I’m not sure if it’s the work life or partly the home life that gets me feeling immensely isolated.

opened a can of worms 😂

[Nneesh]

Hi Sorry to hear what you going through. We are in similar situation having that strong gut feeling we might be better on our own. You can read my thread when you have accepted and done everything to save your marriage maybe you will have some insight of my situation.

I also have a 5 year old and very worried about the impact the arguments fights and witnessing abuse might have on her. She keeps on saying to me when we driving in the car. We don’t need daddy we will be fine. He shouts all the time. It breaks mY heart, I’m struggling to as in 2 weeks he might be allowed to come back home. He has an interview order against him atm. I guess at the end of day as woman who work hard and long hours and if we are financially independent, we need to get out of the emotional insecurity we feel. Sometimes I think that apprehension and fear I have that he is not around anymore is a myth. I know I can cope it’s just the emotional insecurity blocking me.

I don’t know how you feel?

i go for walks every morning and carrying on with life and daily responsibilities the best I can.

[Croix]

Dear Just me here~

I guess you have two problems but looking in from the outside the work one seems the lesser. For a start you have some control over that, and while 48 hrs p w is not tenable in a home environment, sometimes these things can be done away where work can be concentrated on then a social or 'me time' life can be available for the rest of each day

Plus you have financial independence and that opens up options.

Trying to do that at home is a whole different ball game, the demands on your time and particularly on your emotions are to much for anyone to reasonably bear. And that's for a well functioning home

With a husband who is unreliable and unpleasant as well as given to making false promises tit is a wonder you can continue to function.

I'm sure you know it comes down to stark choices

Stay at home and watch him deteriorate,and you feel so isolated - with a hope rehab can be successful

Separate, either till he is dry or separate for good.

I'm sure you are already bearing in mind that even successful rehab can sometimes not last and also hte effect all of this is having on your son, now and as he grows.

You are obviously a very capable person , your job and attitude tells me htat. Your self confidence and esteem is being eroded to the stage where you cannot see that at times. I suspect the longer you are treated badly the more impossible it will be for you to leave as you will not have the confidence.

Sorry to be so blunt, however coping with addicts is a very long road for most wiht no guarantee of success.

Please come back and give your thoughts

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Just me here and Nneesh, can I firstly say I feel the pressure this is causing you, simply because drinking even though I was in depression was one reason our marriage ended in divorce, although we still talk regularly.

Someone who is addicted to alcohol makes promises that never eventuate, just to keep the marriage together, but you can never know where they are hiding the alcohol in a place where you never expected, and quietly consuming what you don't know.

If he says 'he can’t go out socially with other people who are drinking and not drink' can make it a competition with his mates who drinks the most and when teased for not drinking creates another problem but it's most admirable if he doesn't.

A person who really needs another drink after the first and keeps on drinking, then you might as well ask 'how long is a piece of string'.

Flowers and any amount of chocolates with the promises of behaving aren't not worth a crumb.

I am really sorry you're put in this position and hope we can hear back from you.

Geoff.