Husband, wife and money

[Man with no name]

Hi all, I don't have anyone to ask advice from so here I am. We have savings in the tens of thousands, two good cars, no debt other than home loan, my wife earns more than me. I am keen to buy either an old car or motorbike for around $10k. My wife flatly says that I can't. She is more concerned about the ongoing costs than the purchase price.

I have clinical depression, I can't just move past it, it eats me up. Why can she be the decider in the decision? Should it not bother me? Am i being childish for not just accepting a 'no'?

Thanks,

[Guest_7403]

Hey mate,

I have a similar story good cars, house, money etc

Only difference is my wife let me buy the bike, they are great as it's just you on the road and gives you space to clear the head.

Maybe look a little less expensive bike and see if she'll support that.

Otherwise look into a loan in your own name.

Sometimes others can't see the benefit of things because it isn't for them, but doesn't mean it's not worthwhile

Good luck

[therising]

Hi Man with no name

I can understand your frustration and disappointment for this sounds like a purchase which has meaning for you.

With my husband and I agreeing to me being the financial manager/planner in the marriage for a number of years (seeing I manage the bills n stuff), I am aware of exactly how good or bad the finances are. In the beginning of this agreement he was a little frustrated when it came to forgoing some of the lifestyle choices we had before kids came along. Because I've pretty much always kept a detailed budget regarding short and long term expenses, I've been able to show him where we are headed, keeping him in the loop. Having a visual reference, my husband understands my reasoning (it's more than just me being fearful regarding our family's financial future).

Is your wife able to show you reasons for certain financial decisions? Does she keep a financial plan/budget you can relate to? Being able to relate typically gives us better understanding regarding a particular issue. If there's no actual budget to relate to, you could perhaps consider creating one. You may both find there is money available for you to live your dream or find the dream may have to wait for a period of time for whatever reason. With flexibility being a key part of any budget, the question becomes 'How much can we afford to flex?' Being on the same page (in more ways than one) may give you the opportunity to make decisions together.

All the best Man with no name

[geoff]

Hello MWNN, I'm sorry that you have depression, and hope you are getting the help you need and realise that there are pros and cons in buying an old car or motorbike.

Anything you can do that will help you with your depression is a must and 'Behaviour therapy' is a way that focuses on encouraging activities that are rewarding, pleasant or satisfying, it's part of CBT, then purchasing this old car is a good idea, especially as you are financially secure.

If you are able to do something that interests you, then that's a positive move, rather than not wanting or to be interested in doing anything at all.

If however, your wife doesn't want you spend any more money, due to costs, then there's going to be a sticking point between you, which isn't going to help with your depression.

Another suggestion is have you thought about doing some work at the car wreckers, not sure about how much you might earn, but you can potter down there whenever you want to.

See what you think, but interested to now how you are getting on.

Geoff.

[Juliet_84]

I would say that your wife likely sees your desire to buy a bike as an indulgence rather than a need. In all honesty, I think I would be a bit put off if my partner proposed the same thing as it just seems a somewhat frivolous and expensive purchase, whereas I pride myself on being sensible and level-headed with money. That being said, I also don’t agree with one person simply shutting down a conversation by saying “no” either. I think you need to get to the bottom of why she doesn’t want you to buy it, rather than the simple explanation, I think she needs to tell you how it makes her feel. It’s a perhaps outdated notion, but I like to think that my partner is mature and makes good financial decisions in my relationship, I like to think that he can provide for us, this may be tied up in those type of beliefs for her. I think you also need to examine why this is so important for you, is it really the bike or trying to fill something that’s missing with “stuff”? Or is it the fact that she shut down the idea and invalidated your feelings?

[Man with no name]

Thanks for the replies.

Therising - We havent kept a detailed budget for a couple of years. When we did I was the one that did it. I did one recently to see what was/wasn't affordable. When I told her she simply said "that doesn't change anything".

Geoff - I have recently got a couple of old stationary motors that I am restoring. This has brought me the greatest satisfaction and given me something to be focused and looking forward to. It is quite cheap to do although it doesn't take a long time so I have the potential to have a lot of these motors sitting around!

Juliet_84 - I completely agree that it is an indulgence although if it's affordable without putting financial strain on the family would that be a bad thing?

[therising]

Hi Man with no name

Your frustration's becoming clearer with each post. Wondering if there's something more to her not being keen on the motorbike idea, besides the ongoing costs. If you're able to pick her brain a little more, you may get to the bottom of why your evidence or reasoning 'doesn't change anything'.

[Juliet_84]

Hi man with no name,

I‘m inclined to agree, if you are financially stable and this won’t harm that then I think this falls under the “you only live once” category. But I think you need to get to the bottom of why she is really saying no, I feel like her current explanation isn’t it. Otherwise you will continue to be at this impasse.