Husband of 21 yrs left me 5 days ago.

[Shattered_Lady]

I am absolutely shattered. My husband and I have been married for 21 yrs, together 28 yrs. we met when I was 17. Five days ago he revealed over breakfast that he doesn't love me anymore and just loves me as a friend. He wants to feel that butterfly love in his chest and he doesn't get that with me anymore. We were a couple that did everything together caravaning, shooting, camping, shopping, bush walking etc etc. We very rarely argued and a few days prior he was sending me loving texts (which he often did) I am in complete shock as I had no inkling at all this was to happen. Everybody I tell are totally shocked and say you are the last couple I thought this would happen to. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I cry constantly as I thought we would grow old together. We had loads of plans for the future set in place, by him. So I am totally blown away. I have no job, as he said 5 months back I could throw my job in of 16 years and have a break for a bit. I have moved in with my parents as he is still living our house. I have moved my horses, given away all my chickens and reptiles. He has lost nothing. I can't see light at the end of the tunnel. Any tips on how to cope with loosing my best friend as ever time I think of my future it totally freaks me out big time.

[hopefulsummer]

Hi Shattered Lady,

I hope you're ok and made it through Xmas and New Years. I'm going through a similar situation and my heart goes out to you. As for helpful reading and guidance, I've found the Baggage Reclaim site incredibly helpful. My ex has done a number on me and I'm back living temporarily with my parents too. There are days I'm blinded by anger and then it seems five minutes later I'm weeping missing him. None of it makes sense. I'm on meds for depression and I'm so grateful as I know I would be a lot lower going through this without them. You're not alone and I'm here to chat if you need.

[Struggling1]

Hi I am really sorry. Unfortunate I cannot help you but I can relate to you. I am really struggling we found out my husband has depression we found out a few months ago. He went on medication for 3 months however they were not working much so they changed them again and now he is on his 3rd medication which he has been taking for a week. He has lost love for all his passions and he has lost love for me. He has been saying he wants to move out to get himself right. A week ago the doctor told him he has had the depression for the last few years. We have been married 22 years with one child, we have been through a lot in our marriage but always got through things together. He moved out a week ago and I supported him as he said he wants to get himself get better to come back to us. Now he is saying I don’t love you I feel nothing for you and is talking about ending our marriage. I still love him and want to help him but he is just pushing me away. He even said to me even if my depression gets better he may still not love me or come back to me and that really hurts. It feels like he has given up on us and he says he can’t deal with this depression anymore he is over it. Could it be a midlife crisis as well as depression??Please any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Costa_72]

Hi SL,

I am in almost the same situation. My wife of 23yrs asked to seperate in March and I moved out in April. We have had issues but never believed it was at that stage. She did the not in love thing also. I have been managing her chronic illness for several years and tried very hard to run the home, finances, etc. whilst still working full time.

We are amicable and talking often. I see our sons 21 & 16 any time I want to. We still have a lot of respect and care for each other but not sure if we will find a way back. I love my wife very deeply as I always have.

It has hit me extremely hard and in a very dark place at the moment. I am in a state of disbelief and consumed with severe grief and melancholy. I feel I have lost my identity as a husband, friend, lover, care giver, earner, confidante, etc. feels like I don't know who I am anymore.

I don't have anything that I look forward to anymore and nothing gives me any joy. It feels like the world has nothing to offer me and I have nothing to offer to the world. It's like I have been dropped back in front of the hospital where I was born 46 years ago to start life again.

My feelings of complete displacement makes me feel like I don't belong here anymore. The only thing keeping me going is that I do not want my boys to go through the pain of losing me.

i am currently living in my late grandads home but I will have to go to my parents in a few months due to house selling.

I hope you are in a better place than I am at the moment. In a very deep hole that I can't see how I will ever get out of.

Besf wishes, Con.

[Celery]

HI Con, I'm so sorry to hear how hard it is for you at the moment. I am in a similar situation although I am the one who walked away from my partner of 7 yrs. We lived in the house that he built for his family 30 yrs ago. We had lived together for 5 of those 7 yrs. The area I lived in is isolated and 250k to the nearest city so to access services it was a day trip. I brought to the table in the beginning a substantial amount of money, my horticulture skills, my love of cooking and my patient and understanding nature. I loved my partner so much Unfortunately I feel that my partner took my goodwill and love for him for granted and I ended up sinking into a deep depression which lasted 4 mths. I was fully self supporting and was supporting him as well as his work was sporadic. In hindsight I realise was to easy on him and I burnt myself out turning a barren landscape into a beautiful garden and making a comfortable home environment for us both. I was very caring and affectionate towards him but that all changed when I fell into a depression every year. My partner seemed to resent that I was sick and also was angry with me because I was unable to feel for him sexually. That devastated me and was not a help to me healing my depre soon. So I had enough of being treated poorly and in April decided to leave (second time) Iwhich was so painful for me leaving all behind. Now I'm living with my son which is not easy as I decided to have my dog here and it's not working so well as the unit has no yard or common gardens and I have no friendships here I'm falling into deeper depression and isolating. I have no job, no money and technically homeless. Everyday I think of my partner, my home and my lovely chooks that I miss so much. I want to go back one day and then the next I dont want to. I feel guilty to seek legal advice on the home as he built the house himself. So I can partly understa nd everyones stories here and feel their anguish. Breaking up can be a very devastating and painful experience.. I have a little bit of hope that my life can be better but how do u reestablish yourself when you are 60 years old?