Husband of 21 yrs left me 5 days ago.

[Shattered_Lady]

I am absolutely shattered. My husband and I have been married for 21 yrs, together 28 yrs. we met when I was 17. Five days ago he revealed over breakfast that he doesn't love me anymore and just loves me as a friend. He wants to feel that butterfly love in his chest and he doesn't get that with me anymore. We were a couple that did everything together caravaning, shooting, camping, shopping, bush walking etc etc. We very rarely argued and a few days prior he was sending me loving texts (which he often did) I am in complete shock as I had no inkling at all this was to happen. Everybody I tell are totally shocked and say you are the last couple I thought this would happen to. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I cry constantly as I thought we would grow old together. We had loads of plans for the future set in place, by him. So I am totally blown away. I have no job, as he said 5 months back I could throw my job in of 16 years and have a break for a bit. I have moved in with my parents as he is still living our house. I have moved my horses, given away all my chickens and reptiles. He has lost nothing. I can't see light at the end of the tunnel. Any tips on how to cope with loosing my best friend as ever time I think of my future it totally freaks me out big time.

[Shattered_Lady]

Hi Billy

It's very hard indeed. Quiet cruel really, when you don't see it coming. I can honestly say I have no idea what went wrong. I feel for you so much, it isn't a nice process to go through at all. I have seen a physiologist and have another appointment in the new year. I have also visited the local GP. Our house needs to be sold and I am not looking forward to that.

[Shattered_Lady]

Can anyone recommend any good books to read about coping with separation? I would like to fill the night non-sleeping void with reading to keep me busy.

[Libby1]

I understand how devastated you feel. My H of 20+years gave me the I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You speech a few years ago. He said he was leaving. I found out there was someone else. An EA that was about to become physical. I was devastated. He did not leave, supposedly broke off the affair but continued to see the OW at work. He continued to do all the typical midlife crisis things. It was very traumatic. One day he went too far and I asked him to leave. He did. I felt relief. If your H is having a midlife crisis it may be better if he is away from you. He came back but it has been slow progress. Things improved a lot when he changed jobs. I think he is depressed but he doesn't want to talk to a GP or counsellor. He is being more loving to me but we are in some sort of negotiating / power struggle. The best resource I found was Debra MacLeod Marriage SOS online audio courses. She gives very practical strategies on how to manage your emotions and what to say and not say to your H. At the moment he has all the control and power in your relationship and you are (as I was) a mess and in shock. EG when he says ILYBINILWY you say 'sometimes I feel that way too'. If he says I want to separate you say 'that might be the best for both of us'. Try not to show him your raw emotion or appear needy or clingy or remind him of all the good times. This does not help. (I got this wrong at the time). Do not try to get him to go to counselling. If he blames you for relationship problems, either shrug it off and walk away or say yes I could have done XYZ better but I always thought that we could have worked together as a team to solve this issue. Try to detach yourself emotionally (hard to do and takes time) distance yourself from him (he needs to want to come to you) and defamiliarise (change some things about you eg hair, clothes, hobbies). If you cry and beg you will push him further away. If you change some things and get a great life he will be curious and it may draw him back. The tough thing is, it may not. But you will be building a life for yourself either way. Also read The Midlife Wives Club. Be very kind to yourself. It will take you time to understand more about what his behaviour is all about. Take it day by day. See your GP for sleeping tablets. Try, try to spend more time doing things for you rather than worrying about him. Pretend not to care about him. He will try to keep you upset. Don't rush selling the house. xx

[Shattered_Lady]

Thank you so much for replying Libby1. He is still living in our house of 14 years and I am living with my parents. We tried sleeping at the opposite end of the house scenario. But I could not handle it as he was coming home at all hours of the night. I have tried to keep contact with him to a minimal, but it is slightly hard when the house is for sale and so much paper works needs to be done. Thank you so much for suggesting the midlife wives club. I have joined just waiting for approval. It will be good to read when I can't sleep at night. Thanks again for all your help, really appreciate it. Xxxx

[notsorosey]

I'm so sorry for your pain. I too like many that have posted understand all too well what you are going through.

I'm 2 1/2 months in and I would love to tell you I'm doing better but that's not the case. But everyone is different. Some take longer than others. I fear I'm in the longer category. We are still in limbo, selling the house, still to sort finances, sharing dog custody. It hurts every time I see him and like you empathise rather than get angry, although I have got angry a few times and it was a good release so if you can take yourself there. you have every right to be angry.

One thing I would change is taking meds sooner. I was very against them as I thought I would get through the depression the same as I always have. I went on the a couple weeks ago and they have helped. Use the psychologist/counselor as much as you can as well.

Happy to chat when ever. Your story feels so similar to mine although I was 12 yrs. Blindside, he lost nothing I lost everything etc.

Sending love

[Libby1]

Depending on how things are it can be a good thing to keep seeing him. Just try to not appear emotional in front of him. Be matter of fact and almost a bit dismissive. Listen to him to see if you can decipher what he is feeling but don't get too involved in a discussion that is all about him. If it is a midlife crisis he will say a lot of crazy hurtful things just to throw you off balance. Don't ask him why to any of it. I have learnt that with midlife crisis 'there is no why'. He doesn't know why he is doing the things he is doing. Google 6 stages of a midlife crisis and see if this helps you work out where he is on his journey through it.

I know this is very early stages for you and you are most likely just trying to sleep and grieve and keep going. If it is a midlife crisis it will take time for him to get through this and do the work on himself only he can do. What will you do for you during this time. Say you have the gift of a year or maybe two to suit yourself and pursue something you have been wanting to do. What would it be. Maybe it is little things like exercising or meeting with friends or family. I know this may be difficult now but give it some thought.

What also helped me and this took a while for me to do (part of detaching from him) is to realise that his behaviours are not a reflection of me. They are a reflection of him. In relationships we have such a strong 'us' identity. You are you and other people see you as you. He is him and other people will see him and his behaviours as him. He is an adult and will make his own choices about his life and his body. Let him go ahead and do that.

Stay strong. It will get better.

xx

[Shattered_Lady]

It’s been a struggle the last 24 hours. Last night I went to my first Xmas function without him. It felt very weird that he was not by my side. Our new caravan sold yesterday and our first open house is next weekend. Some days I think yep I have got this, then a day later I’m back to the beginning. I just want to text him to say that I miss him like crazy. But I know it will only make things worse. I am over trying to process it all. Not looking forward to Xmas at all.

[MissMySon]

Hi Shattered Lady,

I am feeling very similar emotions, one minute I find my self missing my ex's company, the next, I remember all the horrible nasty things she has done. This is me 4 months after separation, still in emotional chaos.

I hope you find the strength to persevere, and overcome the negative, and embrace the positive.

MMS/Scott

[DNA]

Really feel for you, we become so accustomed to having our partner by our side. And they’ve gone, you don’t know why and you want to contact them and say you love them, They can’t see or feel your broken heart. Without warning my wife walked out on me 2 months ago, destroyed me, I’d be lost without my weekly doc appointment. Feel for you, folks say time will heal.

[Brad49]

Same here. My wife walked out on me sept 21st for another guy. Miss her nearly every day.. But im exercising getting myself fit and keeping myself occupied and im back to dating.I think thats they key keeping yourself occupied.My wife is in a state of limerice right now and anything said to her would be a waste of time.. As she wont listen. Limerice lasts anywhere from 3 to 18 months.. So i accept my marriage is over.. time to move on