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Husband left without warning and im pregnant

Madeline_Q
Community Member
My husband out of the blue said he needed to leave to work on his mental health, it was hard to accept as im 17 weeks pregnant but i couldn't be mad he needed to sort himself. I should have left him alone but i needed answers. He then went and slept with someone he deals with through work. I found out and he said he would've never told me. He said he regretted it realised how much he wanted to be with me and how much he cared for me but 2 days later apparently felt nothing for me. I dont understand any of it as we were happy. I knew he had his own problems but he always said it wasnt me it was him. He loved me and cared for me while we were trying for a baby so i cant see what changed. He doesn't want to speak to me he tells me nothing was going on with that other girl before but im struggling to believe that. Is it my fault he slept with her cause i was pushing for answers. Why did he message her the next day about it if he regretted it. So much going through my mind and im unsure if i want to continue with the pregnancy. I cant afford to live so im struggling with all this on top of everything. Im really confused and i dont know why but i want him back but hes not willing to put in any effort with me. One minute he does love me and the next he doesn't its messing with my mind like crazy.
8 Replies 8

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Madeline Q~

Welcome here to the Forum, it's a good place to come to see other's views, and that might help. There is no judgment and just the experience of others. We are a caring bunch.

I can say that I regard two people developing a long term partnership simply has to have certain qualities. Both need to love each other, enjoy being with each other, and have each others back -they should want to help ease their partner though the hard parts of life and be reliable and trustworthy, someone to have confidence in and lean on when necessary.

If there is a baby both should love it.

Really even with all that going for a couple it can be very hard, and having a baby is one of the hardest of times as relationships change, the man is no longer the main focus of attention and he now has extra responsibilities (and less sleep if he does his part).

So I guess if I was in your shoes I'd step back and see how many of those qualities you are sure he has. Poor mental health might be a reason for some behavior, though I doube that includes sleeping with another, it never did in my case. You will need constant support long term - or will end up a single mum, which is one of the hardest struggles one can have.

May I ask if you have any one to talk things over with? Maybe a family member or good friend. Not to fix things but just listen and care. Maybe offer more perspective. Often hope can blind a person.

Please come back and say what your think

Croix

Madeline_Q
Community Member
I love him very much and i would have never in a million years picked he didn't feel the same way. We did so much together, always went out for dinner, travelled, went to movies etc. We always asked how each others days were, he was there if i needed anything. I was always there for him but he could never open up and he would say its not you its me. And he was like that when i met him, he just couldn't talk about his feelings. If we had a bad argument he wouldn't talk it through and he would say he'll just get over it. Recently If he was having a bad day he'd tell me but he wouldn't want to talk about why. I have family and friends support but im struggling really hard when the one person i want seems to be doing great without me.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Madeline Q~

I've no answers to really guide you, your own instincts can do that better.

I will mention two things, the first being that having a baby puts pressure on both partners, and that can in itself lead to atypical behavior. It is after a all huge responsibility and commitment. That does take self-confidence, something many with depression lack.

This response to pressure, if that is what it is, may not just be limited to this situation, but may come up again as in normal life there are always hard times. It may be difficult to have someone who may not be able to deal with such things and have responsibility for the whole family .

Please beleive I am not rying to push you in any direction, just voicing the alternatives you probably have already considered. Do you think that now, as opposed to maybe later, is the best time to start a family?

Sorry to raise what might appear a cold and heartless subject.

Croix

Madeline_Q
Community Member
Im not sure what to do as im just left with why.
I have had several thoughts about not going through with the pregnancy and I've come to the decision to keep it, as hard as its going to be. Unfortunately even if i wanted to i cannot abort where I live as its past the time they allow.

Glad to hear that you're keeping the baby. Clearly, you don't need him right now as he is confused himself. Focus on your pregnancy. Who knows maybe it is the miracle that will change your life. Some men are cowards when it comes to pregnancy.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Madeline, can I wish you a warm welcome because what's been happening is so difficult to understand, someone you love and conceived a baby with has broken your trust in two ways, firstly by not opening up to you and secondly sleeping with another person either intensely or not.

You have been deceived into believing that your partner was only yours and that he only loved yo, especially with a baby on its way, so the break of this relationship can cause the break of the love between the two of you, which leaves many unanswered questions which you won't know the answer to.

People may tend to seek counsel from another person when they are depressed, but you wouldn't ever imagine them to sleep together.

It's easy for someone to say they've had a bad day, we all have them, but it's a great skill to be able to cheer them up, but this won't happen unless you can get to first base, but totally changes when they have slept with another person, loyalty and honesty disappears.

He may seem to be doing OK at the moment, but can I ask you, are you ready to take him back when the bubble breaks, with the possibility of exactly the same happening once again.

If this happened to me I wouldn't accept any apology, unfortunately.

My best.

Geoff.

Madeline_Q
Community Member
My trust has definitely been broken and no communication I'm getting from him is killing me. Ive just been told i have gestational diabetes on top of everything so i rang him to tell him and he was concerned until i asked about us and he got nasty. I said to him do you love me he said i dont think so. I said do you want a divorce, he said yes I think so. He still cant even give me a definite yes or no. I know he's got a referral to see a psychologist i just hope he books in. I'll NEVER be able to forgive him for what hes done as there is not an excuse in the world that could make me forgive him but i cant throw away the last near 11 years away without trying some sort of therapy together but he'll only try couples counselling if his therapist says its a good idea. I just dont understand anything. When i talk to him I don't even know who he is, hes not my husband anymore even though he looks like him. I dont know this man and i think he has some serious mental health issues but apparently now blaming me for them is the way to go.

Hi Madeline,

wow what a stinker! Sorry, I know you said you love him and you want him back, but it sounds like he’s not being very caring and supportive right now, and is only thinking about himself, which must be very difficult for you, esp being pregnant.

it is really very difficult being a single mum, I’m sure you know this tho. But, having said that, it can also be beautiful, and as long as you are supported and loved by the ppl in your life, and your baby has an extended family, you will be ok.
honey, I know your heart is breaking right now. There is probably no worse time to find that your relationship isn’t as solid as you thought it was!

and you don’t need my advice, becos you know your situation better than anyone. However if talking to him just makes things worse for you, it might be better to resist from that.

I’ll be thinking of you, and hoping for some peace and comfort for you and your little one.
hugs,

J*