Husband hates family

[cn9802]

My husband and I recently found out that my sister in law (my brothers wife) has said some horrible things about my husband (saying he abuses me) which is completely untrue. At first she denied it and changed her story but when she realised she had been caught out she made a non sincere apology and expects for everything to go back to ‘normal’ (I have never been close with her)

my husband has severe trust issues which I’ve always been able to deal with but now he has said because of this, and that my parents knew and didn’t say anything to her that he never wants to see any of my family again. I completely understand why he feels the way he does but I’m struggling with not being able to have my family around us especially my parents. My husband says I can go visit them with the kids but he won’t go but they are not allowed to visit us. My parents cannot understand that we need time to process and move on and think we have completely overreacted. I feel like I am treading a tight rope between my family and my husband!

[geoff]

Hello Cn, and a warm welcome to these forums.

It can be so difficult being stuck in the middle like you seem to be with both arms stretched either side of you trying to pull back in your family one side and your husband the other, this can put an enormous strain and definitely pressure trying to harmonise both sides.

This may have started with your sister in law's (SIL ) comments, that he mistakenly abuses you, which may have been told to your parents, so this difficult situation has developed.

You are the only person who knows and it could also include emotional mistreatment, I don know and can't say, but my concern is how is your husband feeling and whether or not a visit to the doctor would be beneficial.

Each family has there own set of rules, what they value the most and how they spend their time, and once we marry or begin to age, all of this can change, and quite often this may differ but would like to hear back from you when you can.

Geoff.

[Summer Rose]

Hi cn9802

Welcome to the bb forum and thank you for sharing your story.

I really feel for your family. Your husband must be terribly hurt; it would be awful to be unfairly and wrongly accused of abuse. And I understand him feeling disappointed by lack of support from your parents. You must be sad and feeling conflicted. And, of course, the kids are innocent victims.

I actually don't feel your husband is overreacting. But I also feel that it's possible his stance may soften.

Give it some time. Talk to your parents about how you and hubby feel. Talk to your husband about how you feel. It may be in time that the three of them may be able to sit down and talk it through. Perhaps you could facilitate a discussion?

In the meantime, I think it would be unfair for your kids to lose their relationship with their grandparents over this incident. And since your husband has no objection, I would contine to visit them with your children.

Kind thoughts to you

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Although you feel stuck in the middle I see far less a problem with this scenario.

Your parents will still see their grandchildren- a big plus. Your husband is exercising his rights upon whom he allows in his life and who he doesn't.

His home is his castle, he should be comfortable in who he has there.

Hopefully over time he lets your parents back in his life but it's too raw currently. Your sister is the culprit and a negative ongoing problem.

I think inaction from your parents wasn't a good idea. If I had been your dad I'd have picked up the phone immediately and ring you asking if you've been abused. If you hadn't then I'd be asking where his daughter got such information- nip it in the bud and, defend an innocent man (your husband)

Give your husband time. A lower from your parents to him explaining their situation might help.

TonyWK

[Emmen]

Dear cn9802,

I'm sorry this happened. It's really unacceptable that your sister in law has made these claims without any basis. For someone with trust issues, the whole situation can feel overwhelming, and he will be feeling wrong and betrayed.

I wonder if your parents didn't say anything to your sister in law because they knew she was lying? If your husband can recognise the real culprit (your sister in law, whom you're not close to anyway), then perhaps he can accept that your parents' inaction was because they didn't want to give credence to her words? It may help him accept your parents back into your lives.

Kindly,
M

[BOC64]

Hi cn

I really feel for you and the situation you are. I agree with the others that in time and with some nurturing from yourself your husband will soften his views to your parents.

I would focus on the positive in that he seems completely comfortable with you and your children to maintain a relationship with your parents and that you should regularly visit them.

Beast wishes

BOC

[Esstee]

Hi cn,

I am in a somewhat similar situation and its tough and so sad.

Hopefully husband will soften over time. I agree with another comment that the home is his castle. Take your kids to parents house and enjoy their company there.

My husband has a firm stance too. I am not allowed to take my kids over nor can parents come visit.