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Confused!!

bubbles_01
Community Member
Hi everyone,

I recently walked out of a relationship of 8 years with our 7 year old son. Due to my ex drinking and gambling for a long time. I pushed him away as soon as I had our son. Not intentionally, though I felt I was very alone . I fell into depression and anxiety and refused help from anyone specially my ex. So we have been separated for 6 weeks almost 7. For the 1st 4 weeks I went a little crazy. Met a new friend spent all my spare time with him. My ex had me followed and in the last two weeks I have come clean to him in what I was doing. I felt like I needed to be loved and find attention off someone as I wasn't getting in before. The last 2 weeks I have been trying to sort things out with my ex? He wants to but he is so hurt from what I have been doing! Do I want to be with him? I don't know . Do I wait for him to forgive me if he can. I need help someone who doesn't know me to talk my feeling thru? I'm drained everyday and I feel like I'm losing my mind 24/7
6 Replies 6

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

I have a cronic gambler in my family. I also have an alcoholic. As well as that my last relationship for 10 years was with a woman that was an alcoholic but a closet one eg I didnt know until the last 2 years.

I'm sorry to say but his issues have been the catalyst to your relationship breakdown. Furthermore if I was in your position, with the knowledge I have, I wouldnt be too hopeful that his ways will change. So if you return to him are you expecting him to stop drinking and stop gambling? I think if so, that would be unrealistic.

I can say I dont blame you for your actions. We dont judge here. You felt abandoned and needed affection. He can be disappointed but that is him focussing only on your actions not on his long term issues. That's what addicts do and I've seen this in my family. My step father in law has gambles well over $100,000 of his wifes equity of her home and that has eroded her ability to finance her aged care. She is at the worst end of Parkinsons disease so she is now in trouble. But...according to him it's all her fault. Over 30 years he has promised many times he'll stop gambling but all its done is he has been more cunning hiding it.

My advice is- there is no reason to rush into anything especially reuniting at this time. I'd seek a family lawyer and finalise visitations of your child with him, to get it in writing is wise in case something goes astray. As he has had these addictions for a long time it is wise to allow for him to reform and prove to you he has changed eg AA and group therapy and help with gambling. This is also for your childs future.

I hope I've helped.

Thank you for sharing that with me. So maybe its a good thing he is focusing on the last 4 weeks of me straying. Otherwise I would be right back there. Iam now fully on my own learning to do this by myself and giving myself time to heal and get clear minded.
Iam awaiting on the parenting plan coming from him. Should be next week. I will go seek legal advice as soon as I receive it.

I feel like I need consit reminding of why I left. Is this normal?

I also know no one can change in 3 weeks like he said. But also feel like I need consent reminding...

Any suggestions of whom to talk to. I've seen physic previously but they just tell me what I want to hear or just agree with me. Its frustrating.

Thank you again.

A relationship counselor is preferable. Relationships Australia can help.

Constant reminding can come from guilt issues. Remember, you don't even need a reason to not want him. If challenged why then just say "its my decision " ...its a free world and often people forget that.

Often when you provide answers it gives others an opportunity to argue

TonyWK

Thank you Tony, I wish keep saying this to myself. I pray each day gets easier.

Today iam trying to enjoy my own company. Listening to music , cleaning.
I appreciate all your words of wisdom.

halo82
Community Member

Hi bubbles_01. In the end, you have a child and that child needs to be your priority. Ask yourself whether you think it's suitable for your son to be raised around drinking and gambling.

I think it's human nature to want affection. You're going through a lot. Don't let guilt get the better of you.

I do think relationship counselling is worth it, if you haven't tried that already and feel that you want things to work. Within that counselling if alcohol or gambling issues come up in conversation, I'm sure the counsellor can suggest help for those issues.

Take care 🙂

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion
Halo

Excellent reply.

TonyWK