Husband has stopped talking to me

[LoisFly]

I have been married for 10 years and up until 6 months ago between in a very loving relationship with my husband. We have always been very affectionate towards each other and loving. I have no idea why hut he has almost stopped talking to me, doesn't want to touch me. Doesn't say I love you anymore. He says he's going through a hard time and avoids the house and spends hours at the gym or with his mates. I have no idea what to do and feel devestated that he has cut me out of his life. Help

[geoff]

Hello LoisFly, and a warm welcome to you.

I can totally understand the situation you are in because I was exactly in the same position as your husband and know what he is having to cope with.

I am about to log off as I start very early in the morning, which I'm very sorry for you, but there may be a reason why he is doing this, similar to me.

When I stopped talking to my wife and say that I didn't love her, which I did, she advised me to go and book an appointment with my doctor.

Can I please talk to you tomorrow if that's possible, but I want you to take care and best wishes.

My Best.

Geoff.

[JessF]

Hello LoisFly, it is a really difficult situation to be in when someone just 'turns the tap off' in a relationship when we think things have been going well for many years. You really want the opportunity to help or put things right but it sounds like you're getting a brick wall, and seeing him build a life that doesn't involve you. I don't think it's going to be too helpful here to try and speculate what your husband might be thinking or going through, because you know your husband better than we do and might have some ideas about what could be behind the hard times he's mentioning, and the avoiding behaviour (you can pinpoint a time when it seems to have started). What would be most helpful for you to talk through in this thread here with us?

[geoff]

Good Morning LoisFly, if I can continue once again and something has happened that has made him change, and perhaps if I explain how this started for me might be able to help you understand.

I was self-employed and inundated with too much work and too many people wanting it all done yesterday while chasing money and creditors wanting their share, so even a simple problem at home I would turn it into something major, that's the point where I closed up and hibernated to my shed.

My wife, back then, kept on asking me to go and see the doctor, but I was in denial, finding the time to drink with people and making out there was nothing wrong.

That was the main issue, I had to realise that I needed help but it was me that had to come to that conclusion and once I did I started the repair needed to get me back on track.

Is he willing to go and see his doctor?

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[LoisFly]

Hi guys thankyou so much for your responses. It seems a mirror to what you went through Geoff. He is running his own business and started a massive job about 9 months ago where he started working 6 to 7 days of hard physical labour. He is also terrible with money and not managing his business well. On top of that he has had other stresses.

He refuses to see his Doctor or anyone about it.

I just don't know how I can wake up in a relationship everyday that was very loving and caring but now cold. My husband was always very happy go lucky. It is really affecting my own mental health. Any suggestions on what now?

[JessF]

Hello LoisFly, working nearly a full week without a break would tax anyone, let alone adding that the work is physical and that there are money worries into the bargain. That perhaps sheds more light on why your husband is struggling at the moment, but you are the one posting here to us and reaching out for help, so I am very concerned for you and how you're coping.

I think you've identified a couple of important things in your latest post. One is that your husband refuses to get professional help, despite your urging; you can take a horse to water etc. You also know that this is affecting your own wellbeing and you're struggling with the daily stress of being in a relationship where the love and support you used to have is not there right at the moment.

What support do you think you could organise for yourself that would both allow you to keep going and be the best support you can for your husband? Posting here for advice is a good start, is there anything you've tried already?

[geoff]

Hello LoisFly, I am really so sorry for you as I was the same working 6 days, then working at our home we were renovating, so it got to the stage where I too wasn't handling the money well at all, although I paid the utilities so that pressure was mounting up, but no one knew about.

I can understand where your husband is but relate to how you are feeling and there are a couple of options, try and talk with one or more of his friends and see whether they can persuade him to see his doctor.

With me, my wife finally booked an appointment with my doctor and told me that she would drive me to the appointment, another option is to have booklets on mental health lying around, this may help not only him but also you, and you can do this by clicking on 'Get Support' and scroll down until you find 'Publications to download or order'.

This may be of some assistance, but what need to do is see your own doctor, this is very important because my wife never did this, unfortunately.

Please give Beyond Blue a call on 1300 22 4636, Sane on 1800 187 263, 1800 Respect on 1800 737 732.

Please let us know how you are getting on because I don't like to see somebody else having to try and cope with this.

Take care.

Geoff.

[LoisFly]

Thanks guys I can't tell you how much it means to me to have you respond to my msg.

We have both been under a lot of strain. Our dreams of having a child came to an end due to a medical issue forcing me to have a hysterectomy.

We also have been renovating and my husband's financial issues are long and extensive with him not managing to pay the mortgage or other bills at times.

Thanks JessF I have started seeing a counsellor and will go and see my Doctor soon. Is there anything else you can suggest as I feel at my lowest at the moment.

Thanks Geoff great suggestions. I will contact my husband's mate and print some things out for him.

Thanks again for your support really appreciated

[geoff]

Hi LoisFly, please keep in contact with us.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[LoisFly]

Thanks Geoff I have just found out my husband is having an affair. Devastated, confused, lost. Thanks for your support