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Husband cheated on me but I want to make it work

Confused_and_hurt1
Community Member

I recently found out my husband kissed another woman but has been carrying on a phone relationship with her for many months. When I confronted he admitted to a single kiss. He went on my social media and blocked people so I couldn't contact them. He deleted all messages off his phone.

He said he wanted to try and fix the relationship. I have found out he was still in contact with for 8 days after this. He has now ceased all contact as far as I know. I have also called her up and abused her and let her partner know (I know that seems mean but I wanted her to hurt as much as I am)

I feel devastated, unloved and stupid because all want is for him to stay with me. He says he wants to stay and that he loves.

I think I may be depressed as well I am not eating or sleeping properly and I am crying at the drop of a hat.

What have other people done.

5 Replies 5

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi and welcome to beyond blue.

It is sad to hear that your partner in life went did something that was in many ways wrong. Your feelings of anger, betrayal, loss of trust, etc are natural. You may feel a sense of loss and as you put it unloved. And there are no right answers as to what to do - whatever you decide is right for you. No matter what happens from here on the relationship is not the same as before. You could both try couples counseling? Do you also forgive him of his actions?

I know you would have spoken to your partner about his actions. My question is whether he truly understands the effect it has had on you? And you are definitely not stupid! His actions perhaps...

It might also be worth having a chat with your GP about your not eating or sleeping - they will able to give you advice as to what steps to take.

If you want to chat some more, I am here.

Tim

Hi Tim

I am trying to forgive him but it hard. It is not so much the kiss but the connection that he must have had with her.

I don't know if he does understand hw much of an affect this has had on me. He knows I am sad and hurt but not how deeply.

We have booked in for couples counselling I am hoping that she will be able to give some guidance.

Forgiveness is not something that can be done in the click of a finger. There is a book about forgiveness which says that sometimes it can take multiple retelling of the story or processing of the feelings before you can move onto the next stage.

Betternow
Community Member

Hello Confused

I'm sorry for your situation. Being betrayed by a spouse is one of life’s most awful experiences. It can shake you right through to your core. Don’t feel stupid about wishing to reconcile. And if you change your mind, don’t feel ashamed of that either.

Usually a betrayed spouse feels shock, numbness as well as anger and hurt. It will take you quite a while to really process your suffering. Be prepared to cycle through several emotions in one day for a long time.

I too have personal experience of marital betrayal and I think you should be aware of a few typical features of betrayal.

Your husband admitted to a single kiss. I doubt that very much. This is a tactic known as minimisation, they only admit what they think you know. Prepare yourself for more revelations (often known as trickle truths). If he was in a relationship for many months and he has deleted messages and scrubbed clean his social media that doesn’t fit well with a single kiss.

You did the RIGHT thing by letting her partner know of her affair. Her partner was also being betrayed and he has a right to know so he can make decisions about his future. Well done, I admire your strength. Letting the partner know is also a good way of knocking your husband out of his affair fog.

Thirdly, the fact your husband continued to have contact with his affair partner eight days after your discovery is not a good sign. You need to be aware.

Your husband now has the responsibility of helping you heal. You need to set clear boundaries and expectations from him and he should be grateful that you are offering him the gift of reconciliation. I would also suggest you ask your husband to attend individual counselling. I’m not suggesting couples counselling because your husband needs to fix himself first.

Reconciliation after betrayal is not easy but it is possible. I wish you well.

Guest_3256
Community Member

…….my apologies, I accidently posted the reply without finishing it.

Please focus on you and be strong.