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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Sinking_in_the_Ocean Releasing the family to move on.
  • replies: 15

Backstory. I have been out of work just prior for about 2 years as a result of my work relationship going sour after I came back from FIFO work with depression anxiety and anger at lack of support during FIFO work. Being let go resulted in further de... View more

Backstory. I have been out of work just prior for about 2 years as a result of my work relationship going sour after I came back from FIFO work with depression anxiety and anger at lack of support during FIFO work. Being let go resulted in further decline which I did initially seek medical help to alleviate but had too many issues with the various SSRIs including in ability to stay awake over 9 hours a day, loss of memory and the last unexpected rage. I did try a Psych but the big issue we could not get past was lack of work and money causing increase in short temper, malaise and general disinterest in everything. I could not seem to get ANY help from centrelink in fact $0 dollars exactly (partner works 4 day contracts so we just held onto the house). I tried retraining but the course turned out to be very badly managed with a 92% drop out rate by halfway so did I as I could see I was going to be to stressed to even sit interviews. In the same week we had a discussion about divorce I managed to get work for about 3.5 months on base rates in a niche field but had to work with a guy that was targeting me from day 1 and working so hard I was crashing at 6pm each night. Every day he would put complaints in about me and then convince everyone else to each day while acting nice to me, I actually think he was a borderline psychopath with his rage, ocd and 2 face nature. So that ended, and I find myself in same situation with no skills i can use, no support or friends or close family and no options for work plus more anxiety and injuries from the 3.5 months work (stuffed right arm muscle hoping will heal). I cant find anything to help me both before and now with looking for work or retraining and so I'm expecting the same result as before. So what I'm looking at is how to move out of society to the middle of nowhere to survive but in a way that will best protect my 2 kids from the damage that normally occurs when the family disintegrates around them. I know that if I leave now my partner has a good chance of meeting someone that will be better able to support my kids emotionally and financially and teach them better than someone like me who is constantly having to play defense with my own emotions and constant job loss.

Starry_Night To keep trying to help or to move on?
  • replies: 8

Hi, I was in a relationship with someone and everything was going amazing. Then out of the blue, she asks for a break because she didn't feel like she was capable of being a good partner as she wasn't coping with other aspects of her life (family iss... View more

Hi, I was in a relationship with someone and everything was going amazing. Then out of the blue, she asks for a break because she didn't feel like she was capable of being a good partner as she wasn't coping with other aspects of her life (family issues, about to have a break down, uncertainty about the future). I was completely blind-sided. I still offered support via texts once/twice a week for the first 3 weeks after the break. Her replies were always that she's so sorry, that her life has fallen off a cliff, that she's not coping with anything at the moment, etc. One message, I asked if I had done something to upset or annoy her and she said no. After my last text, over a week ago, saying I'm ready to lend her my ears whenever she needs, she ghosted me. (1) Would you stay patient and keep offering help? Or would you take the ghosting as a sign she wants nothing more to do with you? (2) We haven't officially broken up but is her lack of interest in communicating a message in itself and I should/can just move on with other people? Or is having a final conversation first the right thing to do?

AngelicDevil My fiancé is a compulsive liar and has a lot of addictions. This is putting a strain on our relationship, and I don’t know what to do anymore.
  • replies: 4

Hi all, I would like some advice as to what I should do. My fiancé and I’ve been together since 2018. We’re getting married in 2020. We love each other a lot, and consider each other as soulmates. However, in the last 4 months, our relationship has b... View more

Hi all, I would like some advice as to what I should do. My fiancé and I’ve been together since 2018. We’re getting married in 2020. We love each other a lot, and consider each other as soulmates. However, in the last 4 months, our relationship has become rocky, and we’re fighting a lot. To start off, my fiancé was addicted to drugs before I met him. He told me about it, and I thought I had nothing to worry about as he seemed to have recovered. We had a very bad argument beginning of 2019, and he took drugs out of spite. When I found out, I was ready to walk out, but he pleaded me to stay and that it wouldn’t happen again. Things were fine for awhile, and then I found out he was back at it again. This happened thrice since we were together, and I have lost trust in him. He lied to me about where he was and where his money went. In addition to that, our intimacy has changed, we used to have sex 2-3 times a week. Now, we don’t have sex for 2-3 weeks and whenever I initiate it, he always say later. I’ve approached him about this, because I feel unwanted and lonely and I feel like he doesn’t love me as much anymore. However, he assured me that it was his own problem, and has nothing to do with me. The problem here is he has a porn addiction and in the beginning I myself watched porn and thought it was okay and normal. However, since we started having intimacy issues, I’ve started disliking his porn usage and have talked to him about it. That maybe Porn was one of the reasons he doesn’t want to have sex with me, and maybe it desensitized him to normal sex. I asked him to stop watching for sometime, till we fix our issues, and then he can go on about it. He would agree and would stay off it for a week or two, but then would get back on it. He would lie to me and swear on my life that he hasn’t watched porn at all or downloaded porn. Usually I have a gut instinct when I know he’s lying, and it has made me snoop into his phones and laptop (drugs & Porn mainly). I was never like this, and I hate doing this. Nowadays, he even deletes everything and purposely deceive me that he is not watching porn and working on our relationship issues. After being lied to week after week these last 4 months, I don’t know how to trust him at all, especially with a history of lying about drugs. I have talked about walking out but could never do it because I love and care for him a lot and truly believe we’re meant to be together. This has just become a vicious circle, never ending.

Candice4 Been in love with my friend for 3 and a half years, but I've never told him how I feel and it's ruining me
  • replies: 9

I was honestly contemplating for a while as to whether or not I should take this kind of step since I've never been the one to seek help especially for an issue like this, but here I am and thank you in advance for assisting me. I'm 24 and I've been ... View more

I was honestly contemplating for a while as to whether or not I should take this kind of step since I've never been the one to seek help especially for an issue like this, but here I am and thank you in advance for assisting me. I'm 24 and I've been in love with my friend for 3 and a half years now, but haven't found the courage to tell him how I feel because I don't want to ruin our friendship. We used to work in the same job, but we've both moved onto different career paths and don't see each other anymore, but we do text and speak almost every day. I really want to tell him how I feel because it's killing me inside every single day and I can't move on with anyone else because I love him. I don't know what to do. I've already lost my best friend this year, too.

Cancer02 Adelaide
  • replies: 2

Hi Im really struggling. I’ve just left a 10 year relationship I wasn’t happy in. My kids now stay at thier dads 3 nights a week. Those nights I fall into a hole and get so depressed. I know I should go to the gym or do things I can’t when I have the... View more

Hi Im really struggling. I’ve just left a 10 year relationship I wasn’t happy in. My kids now stay at thier dads 3 nights a week. Those nights I fall into a hole and get so depressed. I know I should go to the gym or do things I can’t when I have them but I feel so empty without them. But when they come back home I’m angry all the time. I don’t mean to be but everything ticks me off. I’ve come to realise I’m pushing everyone away from me and it scares me so much I moved to Adelaide 3 years ago and I’m so lonely and this has made my depression get worse and it contributed to my relationship breakdown I’m looking for anyone who can give advise or can help thank you

ghostdad64 How can I make things better ? I'm at a total loss.
  • replies: 2

Hi all, New member of the forums here and to be honest, this is a big step for me. I am an estranged father of two children who are now 26 and 20 years old. I left the family home in 2006 not knowing this would mean I would essentially also be divorc... View more

Hi all, New member of the forums here and to be honest, this is a big step for me. I am an estranged father of two children who are now 26 and 20 years old. I left the family home in 2006 not knowing this would mean I would essentially also be divorcing my children. There was no domestic violence. I would never raise a hand to anyone let alone a woman. At the time, my children were 13 and 7. After a protracted legal battle where my ex was asking for sole custody, the judge decided that, in light of my son's age, he could see me "in accordance with his wishes"; he decided that would be never. Naturally he was never encouraged to maintain a relationship with me. My daughter, was ordered to spend every second Saturday with me. Based on the angst it would cause her, overnights were ruled out by the judge. She complied with these orders and despite being civil with me during these visits, the relationship was always strained. When I picked her up, she sat in the back seat always. She never called me dad. There was never any hugging or signs of affection. Not so much as a card for Father's day, birthdays or Christmas. As her 18th birthday approached, I enquired what would happen when the orders no longer applied. She informed me that she would no longer be seeing me. I had lost her as well. It has been 2.5 years since I've seen my daughter and 13 years since I've seen my son. I doubt I will ever see either of them again and the pain is more than I can bear. I don't know where they live and, honestly, would not feel right reaching out to two people who despise me so much. People often tell me things will improve. But how ? When ? I can't see it. I'm re-married with two adult stepdaughters but I miss my children. I want them to love me and include me in their lives. I doubt, if I died, they'd even come to the funeral. Sometimes I sit and just wonder what I did to deserve the cycle of pain that I have endured and will probably continue to endure until the day when it all just comes to an end. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I'll take any advice I can get.

Nothappyuni So am I just a winger, or is it abuse? How do we know what mental abuse is?
  • replies: 7

25 years with my now X partner (separated for 5 weeks) and she contacts me to say I should just get over it and stop being such a winger. It was not every day, but it was often that I was called stupid or my ideas/suggestions were labeled "stupid", i... View more

25 years with my now X partner (separated for 5 weeks) and she contacts me to say I should just get over it and stop being such a winger. It was not every day, but it was often that I was called stupid or my ideas/suggestions were labeled "stupid", it was not often but it happened once or twice a year that the kids were told "your father is a ***". Towards the end, every week I was called horrific names and told I was useless, or not providing enough for the family, or that she wished she had never met me, should have known when she met me I was a no hoper, etc (We owned our mansion outright). I did as much as I could around the house to help, feeling I was such a weight upon the family, but everything I did was shot down with cruel comments, "what a bad job", "you didn't do it properly", "you have done it wrong" etc, I could never get it right no matter how hard I tried. Often I was told that I was hated by our children, and lately I have been told I ruined every holiday we ever had (and we had many), yet I can clearly remember the kids having the best holidays with me, in 19 years with the kids there are only two instances that anyone recalls that I got upset and yelled on a holiday. Lately through all this I have studied getting a GPA of 6, I had 72% Distinctions over 26 subjects. But even this was put down, as I was told university is easy, most people do it and two or three jobs on the side. I just make it look hard (no my x has never been to university). I asked whether these people with multiple jobs were Older students, and had family concerns, looked after other family members and cooked and cleaned, maintained 2 houses, did renovations, and transported children. I never got a response. So, I am asking you, am I a winger? Am I really just blowing things out of proportion and should I shut up and wake up to myself? My x tells me it is normal in all relationships that couples stop having sex or feeling emotion for one another, sadly she can quote too many people we know for me to argue against her point. Are relationships supposed to be loveless once you reach a certain age? It does look that way. The separation has reached the head games point, but I truly wonder: Am I just a winger who needs to get over it? It wasn't until I studied psychology that I thought of name calling, or not being shown any affection as abusive. Is my X correct to state that university F'ed me up? At times it really feels that way.

pfuddy How do I stop this behaviour? Parents gaslighting (28 years old M)
  • replies: 5

Saying that I'm not on medication when I am on the maximum dose (I gained 20 kg on the medication). Using that as leverage to tell me that I keep eating a lot, don't save money (I have $10k saved in the bank and $13k in stocks). Yes I eat junk food -... View more

Saying that I'm not on medication when I am on the maximum dose (I gained 20 kg on the medication). Using that as leverage to tell me that I keep eating a lot, don't save money (I have $10k saved in the bank and $13k in stocks). Yes I eat junk food - but generally really cheap. Constantly checking on me - telling me to brush teath, wear pyjamas etc. Phoning at night and asking me where I am. Sometimes coming into my room at 1am to see if I am sleeping waking me up. Telling my sister I am suicidal and that my personality has changed (i.e. I have been eating out lots due to hunger from the medication) - telling my sister I am going to die if I don't stop eating out and its part of my mental illness - my sister did not know about this before and just told them about this just yesterday. She came into my room balling her eyes out thinking I was going to die. Then proceeded to repeat what my parents said. I was checking for ID in the house for when I move out permanently - dad has a folder of letters I wrote to myself when breaking up with my girlfriend - this was from 10 years ago when I was in hospital. I also lied about having auditory hallucinations in the hospital which in actual fact were me just thinking about the girl. They still think it was some sort of psychosis I had these past 10 years. I also made up all the other symptoms just to make sure, I have been going with this for a while and don't want them to know about what girls I should date - I am a med student so know what symptoms to say. They want me to date some sort of model. Saying that if I leave the house "they would rather die without me" I wanted to change my medications (approved from psychiatrist) to another medication which has a better side effect profile however my father said "your mum can't sleep at night if you do that." I checked on my mum 10 mins later and she was sleeping just fine. Saying that I need to support myself and they can't afford to support me because money is low - meanwhile dad has a BMW and we live in a mansion and have 3 houses. I have also just finished medical school and secured a job as a doctor and lecturer at the uni. I am keen to move out permanently. Also really need my own space it is suffocating living here and I am getting way too sheltered.

Peter56 Been alone all my life.
  • replies: 2

I am 61, never been married and have lived on my own since my mid 20's. At school I never had any girlfriend and I wasn't given any direction or taught anything about how to date. By the time I left school and entered the workforce that was a male-do... View more

I am 61, never been married and have lived on my own since my mid 20's. At school I never had any girlfriend and I wasn't given any direction or taught anything about how to date. By the time I left school and entered the workforce that was a male-dominated industry, my pattern was set... In my teens, 20s, and 30s it made me thoroughly miserable and incredibly lonely as female company didn't seem like an unreasonable thing to want, yet seemed as improbable as winning the lottery. The skills required appear to be something learned in adolescence and if for some reason you don't acquire them, the whole area of relationships becomes an alien world. In many cases I've suspected women of being put off by it with any interest being shut down. As one age I suspect it increases the difficulty of a relationship ever happening. Throughout my life, I’ve known that there is something wrong with me, but I just do not know what exactly it is and as time continues I feel a little more helpless and hopeless. From my experiences, being single at my age is a major red flag for the majority of women when you get to my age. It's bothered me so much that at one stage I even considered suicide, but sought counseling about it and my social life in general. I had 2 uncles both on my mother's side and another on my father's side that never married and I've had always believed I inherited a poor set of genes that have resulted in this. I realise that the only way I can imagine to stay alive is learning how to live with it and learning to accept myself. I worked most of my life, own my own home and now that I am retired life has become very lonely and depressing. At my age now I realise I'm going to go through life without having a girlfriend as I'm simply too old now. I have another maybe 20 years to live in this world and I've got to be able to learn to live with this fact and at the moment it's not easy. Life's just not meant to be sometimes, I didn't choose to be born in this world, I didn't choose to go through this in some ways, its natural selection playing its part and I have to fully accept it. Buts it's very depressing, almost like grieving knowing my life will have to be this way. No one will miss me when I'm gone.

Winter_Dai Struggling with my partners distant and depressed moods
  • replies: 1

My partner and I have been together for 1.5 years, for a good chunk of that I have spent away on deployment. Her mother has never accepted her being attracted to the same sex - she is extremely narcissistic and bipolar. She plays mind games with her ... View more

My partner and I have been together for 1.5 years, for a good chunk of that I have spent away on deployment. Her mother has never accepted her being attracted to the same sex - she is extremely narcissistic and bipolar. She plays mind games with her and sends her presents on her birthday and Christmas but neglect her any other time and tell her she’ll never love her again, there’s no way they’ll ever be the same again etc. My partner has never been a good talker and finds it hard to communicate her feelings, I often have to pry it out of her what she’s feeling and what’s upset her. We recently had a bad day the other day, she said she needed go through everything alone without my support ie breaking up. She doesn’t have much other family. I’ve tried getting her help through beyondblue and they directed her to headspace but she doesn’t have any drive or motivation to do anything about it. She is extremely distant and won’t hug or kiss or speak to me like she used to. I’m completely at a loss as to what to do, I’m trying to be patient and understanding but I’m also so heartbroken I can’t stop crying or having panic attacks over the fact she wants to leave me because of the hurt her mother is causing. She says she’s numb and doesn’t want to exist. This hurts way too much.