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How to stop thinking about Ex and new partner

MO2TG
Community Member

Hi

We had aLong marriage He went through a crisis...identity, hated his life, traumatic event with our child. He changed into a person that emotionally and physically withdrew.

He left after months of being emotionally and verbally abusive. Heavy drinking.

I was blidsided by the whole thing. Family man to hating his life. I thought it was work stress . He left.

The issue i have is he kept coming back. Stringing me along. Making me think we had a future again. Then he would always leave suddenly. 6 weeks a week a few days.

He moved away an hour we were never allowed to know his address. Kids asked, never told. Never invited. He talked about his most recent sharing arrangements...land lady back last July. He came home twice in this time.

I always asked if something was going on. He denied it. He talked about and her sons. Always doing stuff for them fixing stuff . Being mates with her grown sons. Still allowed to know where they lived.

Its only now that I I gave up our relationship in late Jan when he left us on holidays after 2 days that I found out from others that he has been introducing her to family.

I called him on it and he said it was only new, however this had been heading to relationship mode for awhile as they went out, hung out shared their life stories I can see how easily and naturally it happened for them.

I feel betrayed and led on.I'm angry wounded and stuck.

They are doing the stuff we planned He has a brand new life, does not help other than flits in and out for 2 teenage girls, and some financial support.

He confirmed relationship by text when pressured. Even sent his daughters text.

How am I supposed to get past this. It opened old wounds ones that were healing.

I thought we were in a good place as exes, but now realise there was no honest communication.

Im trying not to be bitter.

Advice appreciated

4 Replies 4

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi again,

We all learn from experience so if you go through an unusual experience how are you expected to know how to conduct yourself?

Be fair to yourself. You trusted him. Many people I've met trusted then were betrayed and then the walls go up making it harder for a good potential partner to penetrate.

The only good thing you can do, for the sake of your children, is be friendly with permanent boundaries. Wish them well and hope no grudges.

Google

Beyondblue topic fortress of survival (and part 2)

TonyWK

Katyonthehamsterwheel
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hey there

Big hugs and so sorry you've had this experience. How is it that we can know people and not know them at all? And why do people do what they do? Two great unanswerables. I think the only thing WE can do, is practice acceptance. Some people stay stuck in the bitterness forever more.

I had an ugly ex situation that was consuming me. I must have thought that if I thought hard enough, I'd make sense of it all. I even googled a lot. One day I googled "why did he move on so quick", and what I found was "why does it matter?". The point was that I was focused on the wrong thing - him, not me.

Take this time to focus on yourself. If you don't want to be bitter, practice being not bitter, and love that about yourself. You obviously value honesty - thank yourself for practicing honesty - it's a great trait in someone.

I really hope it helps. It did for me.

Take care, Katy

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello MO2TG, being in a long marriage, sometimes we don't see what our spouse may be doing that could be different to what they are usually doing, sometimes we don't care and sometimes it doesn't need to involve us, so we are able to carry on with our own duties, whatever these are.

When, however, they become abusive both verbally and physically, then begin to change their routine by drinking too much, a problem develops and the whole situation has changed.

The reason why he has left is unknown, except to begin a new relationship which has undoubtedly not only surprised you, but has certainly bewildered you by how he has carried this out, and in a way, no one wants to ever hope this happens.

You can't be sure if this relationship is going to last and if so, for how long and if it doesn't then what's going to happen between the two of you.

It must be upsetting to know what he's done, but certain rules between the two of you need to be stipulated, as he still has to support your teenage girls who may also need help trying to understand why this has happened.

They can contact Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 by phone, webchat or online by trained counsellors, who dress in casual clothes, which can break down the initial barrier when first approaching a counsellor.

Can I also suggest you see your GP who can organise a 'mental health plan', which allows Medicare to pay the first 10 appointments with a psychologist or a psychiatrist.

Please get back to us when you're available.

Geoff.

MO2TG
Community Member

Thanks Geoff, katy and Tony

I do have a MH plan and have increased my psychologists visits . She did help me formulate a message for Ex, without blame/accusations. Just so I could share how I felt from his actions.

Unfortunately it does get worse and I have been strung along for 2 yrs. At least now I have truthand not lies He started dating online from when he left and has had 2 defacto relationships since then 6 months and 12 months.

Its a bit overwhelming to handle the deceit and deliberate manipulation.

I will never understand it.

However I did get closure (more than I realised.).

At the end of the day I'm glad I'm not like him. No one should treat another this way.

I have decided that I don't wanted to harden my heart. Yes I have learnt a painful lesson. I have grown as a person.
I still love me, I am kind, loyal ,determined and independent.
I have lots to give someone special. I'm going to continue being me.