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How to have good relationships with family when there are so many complex issues
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I love my family, but unfortunately many family members have complex mental health issues - I don't want to talk about them specifically, but basically they include multiple problems like a severe mental illness such as schizophrenia or bipolar, PTSD and addiction, as well as things like ASD/ ADHD/ ODD/ Tourette's syndrome etc. Many of them struggle to get good care from a psychiatrist and live very dysfunctional lives with minimal support (most of their partners have left them and taken the children so they either live alone or in a precarious situation with family/ friends). As such, most of my interactions with them concern things like - hospitalisation due to drug overdoses/ self medication, psychotic episodes, severe mood disturbances, extreme relationship drama with family/ friends, legal issues due to being arrested for their behaviour/ symptoms in public etc.
Most of the carers in my family (including myself) also have mental health issues or things like ADHD/ ASD (just less severe), have physical health issues, and/ or are 80+. Because of my conditions, after dealing with them I feel like I soak up the negativity like a sponge and feel really outraged by the situation or anxious to the point I can't sleep, have a lot of physical stress symptoms almost to the point that I feel like I'm having a heart attack, hallucinate that they're calling me or at the door, and it sometimes takes me a day to recover or feel right again. There is also little I can do practically due to my health - I am flat out caring for myself.
All of this leaves me feeling extremely guilty, helpless and resentful. I want my family to be the best it can be. I want to enjoy things with them in some way. I also want to be a good support to my family, especially as I am a bit younger than most of the people in caring roles, but don't know how. I have tried counselling but they keep saying my family members are not my problem and just to set extreme boundaries or cut them off entirely. I feel like this is wrong as it's not their fault and I wouldn't want to be treated that way. Does anyone know of any counsellors or support groups who deal with really complex family issues? I feel like a lot of resources make the assumption that a person with a mental illness exists in a vacuum and all other family members/ carers are healthy, capable etc. I find that support from government and private services is limited and hard to access and quite frankly not sufficient for our situation.
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I just realised I said something that might offend people.
"I have tried counselling but they keep saying my family members are not my problem and just to set extreme boundaries or cut them off entirely. I feel like this is wrong as it's not their fault and I wouldn't want to be treated that way."
Part of my condition affects my social and communication skills. I often realise after the fact that I said something that could be judgemental/ rude/ offensive etc, then I feel really awful and go over and over what I said for ages. I am really sorry if I upset anyone reading my original post because of this or anything else I said. I think how I really feel is that this advice made me feel really uncomfortable because I realise my family members have illnesses and are not trying to hurt me (at least I hope not), and a big part of the problem is my reaction to the situation and the fact that I struggle not to take things on board and feel stressed about it. And if I could just control my reaction better or cope better I might find a way to feel more positive about interacting with and supporting family members. I think I just need to find a counsellor who has experience with these types of family dynamics.
