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My boyfriend has a life long porn addiction which came about because of child sexual abuse he suffered, he's now in his 40s. I knew he watched it but was only aware it was an addiction when he told me 4 years into our 8 year relationship and he later had some therapy sessions which didn't seem to change much. I haven't been too concerned about it I think now it was because I don't think I understood just HOW addicted he really is.

My major problem right now is that I have found out that he pays for a subscription where he is chatting, swapping photos and videos and Im fairly sure he is accepting video calls from the girls too. THIS is a problem for me. He is cheating on me by doing this. I am very understanding as to why he has this addiction but this cheating is not something I can support but I also don't want to make him anymore ashamed of the addiction he has. I knew all of this (he didn't know I knew yet) and I had given him the opportunity to tell me is it a subscription and chatting too or just watching porn and he lied. I told him my boundaries that I can support him through the porn watching addiction but the cheating I cant support and told him to unsubscribe and stop the chat stuff and he hasn't done it.

I want to support him through this awful addiction he has from an awful childhood trauma but I'll never be ok with him cheating with these porn star girls with the communications he has with them. I'm afraid he's now become addicted to contacting them. I'm so upset I can barley eat or sleep. I love him but how can I ever work this out?

13 Replies 13

RebbeccaS

You have reason to be concerned. 'Looking' is one thing, but becoming 'active' starts to risk crossing that line into the grey 'illegal' area. Has he tried counselling (does he want to?). Most counsellors are trained in addiction treatment (whatever it is). This has the potential to destroy lives, especially with the one you love. Please don't accept this as 'normal', because its not. While the 'children trauma' can be a trigger, it is treatable, and should not just be accepted. Hope you have a good outcome from contacting BB.

Thanks for your reply.

He has had counselling sessions once before for the first time a couple of years back when he told me he knew he had an addiction and again recently when I realised it was still a problem and that there was communication involved.

He wants to change he hates how he sees he's hurt me and having the sessions proves this but I just need it to mean that things will actually change. He says the communication part has been happening only the last month (can't know this for sure but I'm confident that it's pretty recent at least) I guess he will have to continue the counselling until it's resolved even if it's a very long time. I think I may need it too just to understand it all better

Hey Rebecca,

I am sorry that you have to go through that. I hope you are doing well. It must be hard.

Firstly, I am glad that you spoke to your husband about how you felt and that he wants to change. That is the first step.

Getting over an addiction takes time. There are many types of therapy that can help with that including CBT. There are many psychologists who are trained in that area.

If you love him and still want to be with him then be patient. Make sure that you are getting the support you need.

Always here to chat 🙂

hi and thanks for providing that extra information. And I am also saddened to hear about your experience in the initial post. As Sophia16 said... it will take a little patience. And for him to undo the behaviours learned over time. There will probably be relapses of sorts and I have a story about that which may be helpful.

Perhaps education and talking about it with him. Some things are easier to say with a stranger (even a counselor or psychologist) than to say to a loved one. Part of that is feeling bad, shame, guilt etc.

But this is about you and it sounds like you are doing the right things.

Thank you for responding, I havent told anyone about my situation so you all help a lot.

He has deactivated the account he had (I checked not that he knows this) and is trying very hard to change his routine to get out of the habit/routine of times he is usually drawn to watch/engage in it. He has made the best effort I could ask for and after a very open conversation as to why he chooses to watch it we had a few break throughs.

I still haven't forgiven him for the communication hes had with them, not sure if ill be able to yet but we will see how things go.

Thanks so much for the reply I appreciate it.

Hi thank you for getting in touch.

What is the story you have?

Yes I fully anticipate he will go backwards now and again and I have told him that that's ok as long as he keeps trying his best. I think knowing how much its hurt me (I had a panic attack in front of him when I found the messages) he is really trying to get a hold of the situation. As I said in the last message I don't know if I can forgive him for the messaging side of it, I mean this could be the start of it turning into him wanting to start meeting up with them next I just don't know how far the "fantasy" of the porn addiction goes. I'm HOPEING meeting them would be ruining the fantasy? This is what I don't understand, how far could it continue to go?

No worries.

That is completely understandable. It is going to take time.

Stay safe and hope you are doing okay.

This is the story ...

A windy track is what the sheep uses to get to the other side of the paddock and out the gate. One day the sheep tried a faster route -more direct. Problem was the sheep had to create this route which was overgrown, long grass, rocky, fallen branches. It didn't work. Feeling beaten, the sheep went back to the old path. The next day tried the new route again.The same problem occurred. Again went back to the old path.This pattern repeated but over time the new path became more defined and the old path was getting overgrown and started using newer path more often. Until one day... the new path became the normal was of getting to the gate and not the old path.

For you the old path is the where your partner engages in porn. And the new path is where there is no porn. Habits can hard to change.

Meeting them ruining the fantasy ... Perhaps! By analogy... You play games with a person online. By how you and they relate in that game you can build a picture of that person. Of course, what we imagine in our mind will probably be different to reality. Then you meet that person IRL and you go... that is soo not what I was thinking. Or, what you see on screen can be edited, air-brushed or whatever creating a image that is not quite true to reality. Things can always look greener on the other side.

Hi Rebecca,

I hope this finds you well, despite the challenges you are dealing with. Before I say anymore I want to preface it by saying I am far from perfect and sometimes we all need a bit of support to get through our toughest times...however I do not believe it should come at the expense of violating our personal boundaries.

A few years back I dated a man who too was addicted to porn, caused by childhood trauma. I didn't realise it until a little bit later into the relationship as well, and when I did I tried to help, empathise, and support. Eventually I couldn't keep on top of my feelings of inadequacy that his obsession brought on and it led me to a hole of depression and anorexia. I had no boundaries at that time so all I did was meet his needs, so it definitely wasn't all his fault. But I allowed his trauma to cause trauma to myself I am still trying to recover from.

I think it is an amazing and beautiful thing you are striving to support him through his challenges, but I think it is important to keep in mind you are not the professional and you are not responsible for his trauma's.

And that in your life you should be the most important one you look after, I know that is a lot easier said than done especially when love is involved. I also hope you seek counselling as needed.
Sending you light and warm wishes 🌻