How to deal with my boyfriends porn addiction which is now involving one on one communication with them

[RebeccaS]

My boyfriend has a life long porn addiction which came about because of child sexual abuse he suffered, he's now in his 40s. I knew he watched it but was only aware it was an addiction when he told me 4 years into our 8 year relationship and he later had some therapy sessions which didn't seem to change much. I haven't been too concerned about it I think now it was because I don't think I understood just HOW addicted he really is.

My major problem right now is that I have found out that he pays for a subscription where he is chatting, swapping photos and videos and Im fairly sure he is accepting video calls from the girls too. THIS is a problem for me. He is cheating on me by doing this. I am very understanding as to why he has this addiction but this cheating is not something I can support but I also don't want to make him anymore ashamed of the addiction he has. I knew all of this (he didn't know I knew yet) and I had given him the opportunity to tell me is it a subscription and chatting too or just watching porn and he lied. I told him my boundaries that I can support him through the porn watching addiction but the cheating I cant support and told him to unsubscribe and stop the chat stuff and he hasn't done it.

I want to support him through this awful addiction he has from an awful childhood trauma but I'll never be ok with him cheating with these porn star girls with the communications he has with them. I'm afraid he's now become addicted to contacting them. I'm so upset I can barley eat or sleep. I love him but how can I ever work this out?

[geoff]

Hello RebeccaS, any addiction is not easy for the person who is the partner and/or spouse because how can you believe what they have to say is right, wrong or pretending and at what point can you possibly believe what they're saying.

It may not be noticeable on their phone or computer, indicating they've stopped, but it doesn't mean they haven't made a new email, under another name with a different password so they can access the porn site, unbeknown to their partner/spouse or they have a friend who also accesses the site, who they continually visit or another phone hidden away from prying eyes.

You can love someone with this addiction and encourage them to stop, but when you're both out together and they're talking with another person, it doesn't stop you from wondering what they're thinking and unless this can be stopped, the problem still exists.

Trust comes with love and included in these are honesty, respect and loyalty.

I am really sorry for you.

Geoff.

[LCS]

Hi,

I am glad to read that he appears to be changing and I hope this continues.

I can speak from my own experience that for some (probably most) porn and addiction to it is not good to even start with, let alone when it starts progressing to chats and so on. I also suffered childhood sexual abuse that has never been reported and now people probably won't believe me anyway.

If he is a caring person with morals (assuming he is or you wouldn't be together) I think its important to understand that even the "legal porn" is often a last resort, it's nowhere near reality which can lead to false expectations and disappointment in real relationships. Some of these people have been abused when they were younger or duped/trapped into this lifestyle where it is made to appear that this is the path they have willingly chosen.

Due to my own relationship issues and not feeling like I could have honest/open discussions about it I turned t porn "thinking I was doing the right thing in a way" by leaving my wife alone as she told me that she didn't enjoy intimacy and she had no feeling after having children. I then discovered she had been using sex toys and getting lots of enjoyment but when I asked she denied this and claimed it was about a business which were lies. This caused me even more anxiety and stress and I then turned to chatting online which eventually led to a short path down an illegal avenue which I am disgusted and appalled by and even though there was nothing physical it doesn't make it any better. Its a slippery slope to fall down into on in an online world and nothing is every anonymous and real people do get hurt. I spent time in jail on remand for this and its not a place the average person wants to be. The repercussions are still happening years down the track affecting my work and relationships and mental health.

I am certainly not suggesting your partner is on this trajectory, just that any addiction is not good and that putting the time and effort into your relationship and even a hobby instead of investing it into porn would pay dividends. Talking with trained professionals is also helpful and it would have prevented me reaching the point I did by not dealing with lots of things going on in my life including deaths in the family, work and home stresses, relationship falling apart, transgender daughter and more that I "kept bottled up" and "thought I was coping with".

Relationships, like gardens need care and nurturing to prevent "weeds" taking over

[PhoebeWings]

Hi Rebecca,

If you read here again, I replied to your question on the PTSD board.
P.

[w1nn1e]

Hi Rebecca,

As someone else mentioned, as much as you love your partner, you are not responsible for their trauma. You sound like a very kind and caring person who wants to help him. I have been a similar situation to you and when it got to direct communication with the s e x worker, thats where I drew the line and I believe there is no excuse for that (Im sorry if that sounds harsh, that was just my experience). I hope that you can get to a place where you can fully trust him but he will need to make a real effort and you may want to ask yourself if you can deal with any more of his slip ups that may happen. I hope you take care of yourself and the partner gets the correct help that he needs and is willing to gain your trust back.