How to deal with and act happy to parents?

[Rogger]

Hi, I suffer from loneliness due to being estranged from my extended family, lacking strong social bonds with friends, and having difficulty relating to my immediate family (my parents) due to their racist, transphobic, and sexist worldviews. These feelings can sometimes cause me to act in ways that involve me being upset (crying is an example).

However, my parents don't seem to like this, and they can even sometimes define it as bad behaviour, depending on the situation. I've tried talking to them, but from what they've said, I don't think I'll ever change their mind regarding this.

Now, you might be wondering why I don't just move out and limit contact. That would be what most people do in this situation. The thing is that my parents are very wealthy. When I behave in ways they deem as "good", I can get many things and opportunities that I would have never otherwise had access to.

So, for this reason, I would like to try to act in a way that my parent deems appropriate (even if it mismatches how I feel inside), which involves essentially being happy and silly as much as I can. And I am making this post to see if anyone could give me some suggestions on how to do this and how also to take care of my own mental health (journalling my frustrations was one idea I had myself).

I appreciate your help!

[Juliet_84]

Hi Rogger,

I see your predicament, you either stand up and challenge your parents on their racist, transphobic, and sexist worldviews and stay true to your core values and lose what connection you have with your family and their financial assistance, or go against your core values and tell them what they want to hear and make them happy and therefore financially support you. Is there a third option, explain to your parents that you have different opinions to your parents but that you accept their stance, but request that everyone be respectful of this fact and avoid these topics of conversation? Therefore you stay true to your beliefs but also maintain good relations with your family? You don’t mention how old you are in your post, and whether you are still living at home (ie wholly financially dependent on them etc)?

[sbella02]

Rogger,

Thank you for taking the time to post here on the forums, we warmly welcome you. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It's so frustrating talking with people whose views differ to your own, particularly when those views are so crucial to your identity or the identities of people you care about or idolise.

As somebody who, on occasion, has had differing views to my parents, talking about it can encourage open conversation and expression of opinions. It may not necessarily end with one person changing their views (very rare for this to happen), but it can help both parties to better understand each other's views. Particularly if, as you say, moving out may be difficult or not feasible, you may find that it takes more of a toll on your mental health to be around people who do not share your fundamental views. So this kind of understanding can create more of a mellow, welcoming living environment.

I share this suggestion quite a bit because there are definitive benefits to having online friends, but spaces such as Reddit and Discord can be good for finding likeminded people whose experiences, beliefs, or interests you share or have in common. Provided you are being safe and cautious, online friends can be great as there's no physical, offline obligation either. And they can provide so much warmth and a sense of belonging if you're seeking some support in your situation.

I understand your situation. On one hand, it is great to act in a certain way to appease your parents but on another hand, it doesn't feel good to ignore something that bothers you about interacting with them. The best way to come to some kind of solution is to talk with them and see if an understanding can be shared, I'd say.

Please take care and you're welcome to continue chatting with us if you wish, we're here to support you.

All the best, SB

[geoff]

Hello Rogger, wealthy parents want to control everything you do, which you might not approve of, but don't want to miss out what they can give you in return, and I wonder whether this is affecting the social bonds with other people you aren't having.

Having plenty of money is one thing that most people want, but there is a difference between someone being born into a wealthy family, than one who gains their own wealth, because the latter has more respect to life than someone born into wealth.

A healthy person wants to express their own feelings, whether it's in wealth or being poor, to establish themselves, rather than pretending to your wealthy parents, because one day you will be by yourself, then you need to feel comfortable talking with other 'friends' and then advising them, rather than being on your own and having no help, because when this happens their mental health is affected.

Geoff.

Life Member.