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How to cope with ex w's new man around my daughter - can be a chat thread for others if interested.

Guest_1584
Community Member

So many things now and over this last 6yrs,l feel as though people here might thing l'm making stuff up but ha, l wish !.

We separated 5yrs ago,divorced 3y ago. together 19yrs. It was hell the first few yrs separating and although our marriage had been rough and l was no saint in our last few yrs, l wanted to save it , especially for my daughter and it was the hardest thing l have ever been through in my life.

Well, ex met some guy , 6wks before we separated , 6wks compared to our 19yrs and our family. She starts seeing him full time when she moved out and had my daughter 60% of the time too , but we agreed that this guy or any future partners hers or mine were not allowed to be around my daughter until she was 16. She was 12 when we split, she's 16 now.

Well , ex has married the guy. l won't go into this part here it's too long but as yet though they still don't live together and my daughter and ex still have there own unit. But ex does spend a lot of time over at his house, 12mins away, and just in this last few mths he's started being around my daughter and they take her places.

It still makes me sick to the stomach, this is the guy that basically destroyed my family, and now he's taking them around in his car, my daughter even helped them with painting his house.

Well , there's also been a couple of times they dropped her of here at my place too now. it just makes me puke , here's this guy and now ex's hub' bringing my daughter to me at my place. l dunno lf l'm being a big baby after 5yrs but it just feels like another knife in the heart every time.

l don't want this guy at my house or with my daughter and l don't know how to deal with it or cope with it. l can;t help it or l don't know how too anyway.

ex and l have worked well with parenting together right through but l fear that iif l was to ask her to keep him the hell away from my place and to bring my daughter herself, she might crack and make things hard me and my daughter,. it doesn't matter what rules or laws are in place , there are things a mother can easily do just by doing nothing at all even , tp make it harder and block the father in all sorts of ways.

l don't really deal with ex as far as my daughter goes much anymore , it's mainly me and d organize our plans these days phone or text. Although we've kept most spite/bs out of this last 5yrs, she can still make things very awkward if l asked her this and it pissed her off. l just don't know, but seeing him rock up here makes me sick

31 Replies 31

Hi Randomx,

So sorry to hear you're going through such a bad time. I don't have any children but can imagine I would be beside myself in your position. When I've been left reeling from life events beyond my control, I tell myself that the intensity of the pain will lessen with time, but it is so hard.

My heart goes out to you. It is a blessing that your daughter is now 16, on her way to adulthood and no doubt, like most 16 year olds, has a mind of her own. At that age, we start to question things and do not blindly accept whatever point of view is pressed upon us. Your daughter may have moved to a new environment but you're still her dad - and she's old enough to carry this knowledge with her regardless of her external situation.

I can relate to your prolonged feelings of heartbreak. My heart has felt broken for so long. I kept trying to heal it with new relationships but this only brought me more pain. I know it's unwise, but I so badly want to be in a happy relationship right now, this minute, so the pain I'm feeling can go away.

I miss my ex too often and without any rational basis. At present I am undergoing a self-imposed month or two of 'no contact' with him to try and get through the grieving process more quickly and come out the other side with at least a skerrick of dignity. It still hurts me so much that he didn't respond to my initial attempts to contact him after we first split. But I am beginning to accept it, because what choice do I have?

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is I can relate to your deep feelings of loss over your ex-gf. I wish I could say that I'm happy being single and am content to stay that way, but I don't feel that way yet. So that's my goal now - to feel happy being single. And perhaps if I can achieve that goal, the next person I choose to enter into a relationship with will be more suited to me.

My best to you Randomx. Hang in there,

rg x

l just dunno how to get rid of this pain.

l've tried so so hard to be the best dad l can and l've completely screwed my life over to stay close. Gone out on limbs to get this house too, it's still close to my ex too and the ugliest period of my life, her new world, life , om. the lot. that's in another town 15mins over but same area and this area has never gone well for me since we moved here 12yrs ago but l sucked all that up to stay close to my daughter and now l'm here yet she doesn't even use this house, l may as well live on the street,costs a fortune but made no difference and now she's moved in with them.

l've tried so so hard to be there for her for 5yrs now, literally hell and back trying my very best for her. l love her so much and l didn't wanna let her down but it's all just been filled with torment by the ex's presence close by and pain of not being able to look after her, be with , and raise and love her with her family.

The pain's been unbearable, 5yrs and every time l think ex can't find more ways to twist the knife , she does.

l've never cried in my life , not even when l lost my parents, it wasn't a man can't cry thing nothin like that, l just didn't need to. if l did l would but l just didn't. but l've howled more in this 5 yrs than l thought possible.

l don't know why how lve tried so so hard , climbed out of the depths or financial ruin, my family ruin , broken hearts and the pain of not being able to be with my daughter and for her to have the normal family she was meant to have , worrying about her non stop, never knowing wth hell ex was doing or with who, even picking her up from ex's , was the most painful thing l've ever done. taking my own daughter away like that, always feeling sick to the stomach everytime l drove in or out of there that the om might be there and the way mu girl had to live now.

The whole lot , it's been living hell , and now l feel like l just can't do anymore or keep trying or keep this pain .

l was even nice to ex yesterday when she text, yet l feel sick to the stomach every time l see a text, what pain is next this time.l felt like telling her l hate her to hell for everything she's done, and now this. but l was nice apart from telling her off not meeting with me about it first.

she had excuses , they always do for whatever pain they give you next.they don't care anymore.

l feel suck to the stomach knowing my daughter is now waking up there, after everything l've done and been through. now this.

Oh Randomx, I wish I could help you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. You sound like you need to talk to someone. Not message, but talk. Please consider calling the BB line on 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline on 13 11 14. It doesn't matter what you say, if you cry or scream - having someone listen, respond and just be there for you - whether it be over the phone or in person - can help you get through the pain and anguish. And you will get through it - the worst of it will pass, even though it might peak again, it will always pass.

Please pick up the phone and voice your feelings to an sympathetic and experienced listener.

rg x

Ok Randomx,

I have only read your first post here,

Your daughter is 16yrs old,her mind is already pretty much formed, I take it she must be driving a car on her Ls. All your wonderful bloody hard work with her is almost done.

If I where you,I would COMPLETELY FORGET about your x and her new partner,because that is what they are now,together.

You need to firstly concentrate on yourself, your daughter is at a very hard stage in her life and the last thing she needs is a miserable Dad.

Just be thankful your daughter comes to you at this age,who gives a flying fish how she gets to you. And who gives a what x and prickly are doing.

You sound like a wonderful father,don't it.

Dory

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Randomx~

I'm sorry this as all happened. The grief and anger must be simply overwhelming at the moment and no it is not fair.

I do think you have been there for your daughter during difficult and formative years and I'm sure it will be a major influence in her life in the future. Not only have you been in close contact but you have also been an example - a very good one - during and after the divorce. There an awful lot that fight tooth and nail for complete custody - to exclude the other parent - simply using the offspring as a weapon no matter the harm it causes.

So your example of love for her plus restraint, moderation and civilized behavior will set the standard.

As for your life now. It sounds as if you have never been happy where you are living at the moment, and it may simply be a place full of bad memories in the future. Is it possible to sell up and move a bit further away, to somewhere you might like? It won't mean you don't see you daughter, I'd imagine just a longer drive. In fact at her age it will not be that long before she is driving around herself.

Dory is quite right, time to look after you.

Croix

Guest_1584
Community Member

Thanks so much for that , you have no idea how helpful it all is.

And yeah RG, your right and l've spoken to some people and got some numbers for some counseling l'm hoping l can afford. And thanks for finding me tto btw.Although my threads might end up God know where and about God knows what , such as life has been.

And thanks so much too Dory and croix and to anyone else that drops in. Don't think you can't help , its' all a huge comfort.

l spoke at bit on a dads forum and they abused me would you believe and started telling me l had problems , well yeah ,fk yeah , l got heaps , want some.

l dunno , some guys don't even seem to be that bothered losing their kids in their lives like this and the whole divorce and partner thing . l just don't get it. some do yeah , and are in as badder shape as me , but l'd actually say the more aren't and just go with it , at least that's how they act anyway. l can't believe it, just can't.

l was no saint in my marriage either , lots of pressure in our last few yrs, life, we'd both lost the plot. But l would have tried to save it , for my daughter and maybe even us and we find our way back , but def' for my daughter.

And thanks so much to and your right , l've tried to make this 5yrs with her with much love and support and guidance as l can , time together and in working with ex. She's been good , dream ex really , but totally insensitive to also at many times and in denial of what divorced kids go through.

Ahh , she'll be right , kids go through all this every day these days, yeah , that's just effg great ex , lucky them eh. God l just feel so much for kids in this mess.

My daughters been texting a lot last few days,l know she's checkin on me, l'm trying not to let on how heartbreaking this is. it's her fault and she won't wanna choose but she does need her mum at this tender age where a girl goes through so much.

Right through this is why l never fort for custody. l don't wanna deprive my daughter of her mum and we didn't even involve courts we just worked together on most good days and sometimes d was me me more or sometimes mum. And ex has in many ways been a dream ex and l could drop in any time or grab d from school or home and go somewhere or my place.

Plus d would stay most wkends. often wknights too, D did a just beautiful and one thing we always made sure there was no pressure on her or some forced rule in this. We wanted her to feel as free as and casual as she could to just come and go with either of us.

Guest_1584
Community Member

l do wanna start living for me more too yeah.

l've tried with all l have to give her that best foundation in this 5 yrs , but now with the latest, l'm so torn about staying at this house so that she does have this base too and dad here and her room right there. truth is though in 10mths shes only stay just a few times . the new bf came along right when l bought it, see ya after dad,

But she might not be staying again for god knows when.l wanted her to know it's here, l'm here l hoped l'd really like it here to so that which ever way , my life could get going too. But l just don't fit in and if gf and l don;t work out, this would not be a wise place to wind up single or much fun living single either.

so to now ,l'm torn,with this latest development , if d's not gonna use the house then what l'd really like is to get the hell away from any ex stuff and into a lifely place with things to offer,

but l can just see , it, a wk later d splits with bf and wants to stay. but we don't have the place anymore. arrrggg.

There's a great town20mins over,much bigger,, life, great beach, bloody expensive though less l found a few far between bargain of a lifetime. Thre has been a couple slip under the radar. still only 30mins frpm d. and she likes the town.

another spot is 2hours from d , we talked about that before we bought this one.but decided it was way too much driving, but now she hardly comes anyway. sh@t.

l love it over there , great size town , 50mins down hwy to the city, beautiful country and lots of bargains, lots of women and places to go,

bloody hell.

Typo/ That is def' meant to say it's "not" my daughters fault. , dunno where the not went.

l would have to refinance this house mid next year and l sure don't wanna go through that for nothin.

So l'm thinking that gives me a good 6mths to see how this all pans out , think about moving and areas and stuff and if l'm going get out before the refinancing.

D wold be 17then too, And yep she's on L's , 18 though until she can drive alone.

It's been about a week since they moved in. In the meantime ex gf, well not really ex as of yet but , well some know, we sorta split but still in touch a bit and very much still in each others thoughts and heart.

l dunno , she has some stuff, some here know of and then we also have some stuff, like one of us has to move countries and little things like that, grin.

Well l told her hat's going on with d and we've sorta escalated as we do and well, so there's been a lot going on there too and l must admit , having her in my life again and at this time , has just been such a God sent. But then reality gits and l stop and realize just what has happened with my d. And ut still feels sickly and surreal.

l feel so embarrassed and ashamed that she now lives with another man and ex w, l don;t even know how to face my family or tell them , they always asking about her and when can we come down next and all that, we're 3hours away.. Not that they're some wonderful caring family thing , they're just the typical prickly sometimes a help sometimes a hinder sometimes a total disappointment family. bUT l still feel so embarrassed and ashamed that my d lives with them and l couldn't even talk about it yet anyway to any of them,

But there is one or two other people l've told so far and to my amazement they've said , how come she didn't just move in with you. instead of living with him, ?

Am l missing something , or is it natural that a 16yr old daughter would probably want to stay with her mum, or am l some kind of a let down and she should've wanted to live with me rather than that, ?

l mean she had a 4mth period for example and natuarally mum was there for her and could help and taking her to and from the doctors and then she got iron deficiency meanwhile they still couldn't stop the period , she gets 5 day migraines and so does her mum so she can help with that, there's the boy stuff and all the girl things at 16, l mean isn't it only natural anyway as much as she loves her dad she'd need to be with her mum right now.

But both people have just looked at me.

Was l crazy for not going for 50 50 custody in this , they looked at me as if l am.but we had that anyway ,l don't want her subjected to parents in court over custody , l don't wanna deny her of her mother either at this crucial time in her growing up and she's 16 anyway so she can choose anyway as far as l know.

l still feel sick