How to cope with ex w's new man around my daughter - can be a chat thread for others if interested.
So many things now and over this last 6yrs,l feel as though people here might thing l'm making stuff up but ha, l wish !.
We separated 5yrs ago,divorced 3y ago. together 19yrs. It was hell the first few yrs separating and although our marriage had been rough and l was no saint in our last few yrs, l wanted to save it , especially for my daughter and it was the hardest thing l have ever been through in my life.
Well, ex met some guy , 6wks before we separated , 6wks compared to our 19yrs and our family. She starts seeing him full time when she moved out and had my daughter 60% of the time too , but we agreed that this guy or any future partners hers or mine were not allowed to be around my daughter until she was 16. She was 12 when we split, she's 16 now.
Well , ex has married the guy. l won't go into this part here it's too long but as yet though they still don't live together and my daughter and ex still have there own unit. But ex does spend a lot of time over at his house, 12mins away, and just in this last few mths he's started being around my daughter and they take her places.
It still makes me sick to the stomach, this is the guy that basically destroyed my family, and now he's taking them around in his car, my daughter even helped them with painting his house.
Well , there's also been a couple of times they dropped her of here at my place too now. it just makes me puke , here's this guy and now ex's hub' bringing my daughter to me at my place. l dunno lf l'm being a big baby after 5yrs but it just feels like another knife in the heart every time.
l don't want this guy at my house or with my daughter and l don't know how to deal with it or cope with it. l can;t help it or l don't know how too anyway.
ex and l have worked well with parenting together right through but l fear that iif l was to ask her to keep him the hell away from my place and to bring my daughter herself, she might crack and make things hard me and my daughter,. it doesn't matter what rules or laws are in place , there are things a mother can easily do just by doing nothing at all even , tp make it harder and block the father in all sorts of ways.
l don't really deal with ex as far as my daughter goes much anymore , it's mainly me and d organize our plans these days phone or text. Although we've kept most spite/bs out of this last 5yrs, she can still make things very awkward if l asked her this and it pissed her off. l just don't know, but seeing him rock up here makes me sick
Non one is perfect in a marriage, that word doesn't exist, it's impossible to think you are perfect, it can never happen, and even if someone says they are, well they're just fooling themselves.
As hard as all of this is for you, and I know it's been heartbreaking, plus what you have been through and then told us is just only half of how you exactly feel, sorrow can only be expressed but different when you are with someone.
I think that it would be better for you if you lived further away from your ex, this may stop you from driving past the house to see if your daughter is there, and if she is, then this is going to upset you, we don't want this, because you will only go home heartbroken and then start to cry.
There's nothing wrong for a male to cry, boy, I don't know how any times this has happened with me, everyday for a very long time.
Maybe if you can you maybe able to rent this place out, and as your daughter is about to turn 17 then turning 18 will be around the corner, that's when my two sons developed their own life style, coming home at some ung**ly hour and your daughter will probably be the same, and remember this might not suit your ex's routine.
My r/ship with my sons has changed, whereas they knew best, now they ask me what they should do and what you must realise is to never give, sometimes the roles do a complete circle and she will need your advice now. Geoff.
Ahh thanks very much Geoff , really good of you mate and l very much appreciate anything you have to say.
And yeah get the pub talk but holy hell you'd think grown men going through this would just drop the bs wouldn't you eh. l think that thread got to about two pages and all l did through the lot was have to defend myself so l said on the last post , eff this l'm not here for another 20 pages of this garbage, thread closed. l notice a few others in that place too complaining the exact same thing. shoulda listened to them earlier haha eh.
But yeah , been a few tears mate , l have no shame in that but l never let my daughter see any upsetness it would just riddle her with guilt and none of this is her fault and that's the last thing she needs. We've been talking and texting all week but l haven't seen her yet as she's had school and a million appointments doctors and dentists and l'm letting her adjust too . But we have had a few talks about the move to and stuff .
Thankfully nah , l've never done any drive buys since the day ex and l separated and l sure wouldn't wanna do it to his place , and if d saw me it would worry her and all too so nah. Whenever l go to that town l sneak in the back road, gran my daughter and get the hell outa there, l hate the place. l can't tell her that of course but yeah. That damn town's nothing but bad memories for me. l'm in a separate town here , 20mins over thank God , but it's all the same area and yeah , l dunno. getting this house was all about a steady 2nd home for d but now this has happened l am seriously thinking as l'm not happy here anyway, maybe move a bit further next year, it's still sorta part of my ex's world and my old world, just over a bit sooo, not good. D could still have her second base when she does need it but maybe somewhere else.
so did your sons keep living with you Geoff ? l can understand my d needing her mum of course , that's why l've never fought our set up. and this last yr or two she has all the girlie issues and the 16 ad the boy issues and she's had health issues, l could never deny my girl of her mum in these years. and she's just too busy with everything to do the 50 50 thing . we use to do it a lot but these days with school and bf's and social lives and homework , she's better off with at least one steady home. soooo,l dunno.
Funny you talking of that circle with your sons, l remember that with my dad too.
Hey Dory , you don't wanna know but thanks for a little chuckle at least.
Bloody awful tbh.sorry to be a downer . Gf and l started talking again and at first it was almost as if the life was almost good again. But within just a few days all the same things started popping up and tt's now turned into a very confusing disaster and l think l now have some serious depression goin on.
Hey Randomx, hang in there. Be kind to yourself this weekend and if possible stay out of contact with ex gf as this will be the only way to heal and be free of the pain. It'll take time but you will heal.
Then you'll be ready for the right person when they come along.
take care, rg
Thanks again for the support and ideas, thoughts people , can't tell ya.
Well , another big wk in the life of random. Sadly things look just unworkable with gf and yep rg think l have to stay away from that one. Soooo good to have us back, l just wish. Well , when something wasn't hitting the fan anyways.
But l don't know anymore , it's all blurty already but one way or another we just can't seem to stay on an even keel for long and there just doesn't seem to be a damn thing we can do about it. Soooo, sadly RG , yep, think l'm gonna have to accept it . And , hopefully we both one day find something new that not only has the love and excitement , but that also compliments each others and brings out the goods too instead of the bs.
Maybe she'll be a dream girl with someone else , and maybe l'm the same , have before, ex w and l were for yrs and yrs before so it can happen , but you gotta keep looking after it when it does don't ya.. lt just hasn't gelled with gf, not the downsides anyway and l know now they just won't. Damnnnn.
On a brighter note d and me been talking everyday as we usually do , but l wanted to give her some time to settle in and adjust and get my emotions in tact too .
So yesterday we finally caught up. We went up the coast and had lunch with whales , yep , lunch with the whales.They're here till end of September roughly but this is the first yr we found out where to go and the times, and yep , we had lunch with whales. Can't get much cooler or surreal than that can ya eh.
They show off and love the attention l'm sure of it, it's like look at me look at me, good aren't l , haha. Beautiful awesome creatures .
D and me skimmed over stuff but kept it light and we had fun and chit chatted away all day as usual too. And l assured her l understood everything and mum and l had talked too and it's all gonna be fine . And d talked a bit about her side too and staying there rather than here and changing everything in her life , friends and bf's and routines and l assured her l get it , it's probably best and nothings gonna change with us .
She says in her typical way , oh Goddd dado , l know that with a chuckle.
Ex w met down the street, l didn't wanna go to that house yet , hate being like that but l made and excuse and text ex , she said cool no worries be there in a minute. Problem is l don't ever wanna go to that house, but one step at a time l suppose. we'll get through the next few wks first l guess.