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How to cope with ex w's new man around my daughter - can be a chat thread for others if interested.

Guest_1584
Community Member

So many things now and over this last 6yrs,l feel as though people here might thing l'm making stuff up but ha, l wish !.

We separated 5yrs ago,divorced 3y ago. together 19yrs. It was hell the first few yrs separating and although our marriage had been rough and l was no saint in our last few yrs, l wanted to save it , especially for my daughter and it was the hardest thing l have ever been through in my life.

Well, ex met some guy , 6wks before we separated , 6wks compared to our 19yrs and our family. She starts seeing him full time when she moved out and had my daughter 60% of the time too , but we agreed that this guy or any future partners hers or mine were not allowed to be around my daughter until she was 16. She was 12 when we split, she's 16 now.

Well , ex has married the guy. l won't go into this part here it's too long but as yet though they still don't live together and my daughter and ex still have there own unit. But ex does spend a lot of time over at his house, 12mins away, and just in this last few mths he's started being around my daughter and they take her places.

It still makes me sick to the stomach, this is the guy that basically destroyed my family, and now he's taking them around in his car, my daughter even helped them with painting his house.

Well , there's also been a couple of times they dropped her of here at my place too now. it just makes me puke , here's this guy and now ex's hub' bringing my daughter to me at my place. l dunno lf l'm being a big baby after 5yrs but it just feels like another knife in the heart every time.

l don't want this guy at my house or with my daughter and l don't know how to deal with it or cope with it. l can;t help it or l don't know how too anyway.

ex and l have worked well with parenting together right through but l fear that iif l was to ask her to keep him the hell away from my place and to bring my daughter herself, she might crack and make things hard me and my daughter,. it doesn't matter what rules or laws are in place , there are things a mother can easily do just by doing nothing at all even , tp make it harder and block the father in all sorts of ways.

l don't really deal with ex as far as my daughter goes much anymore , it's mainly me and d organize our plans these days phone or text. Although we've kept most spite/bs out of this last 5yrs, she can still make things very awkward if l asked her this and it pissed her off. l just don't know, but seeing him rock up here makes me sick

31 Replies 31

Starwolf
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Randomx,

This is a tricky situation. If your wife is now married to this man, there is no way you can stop him interacting with your daughter. Unless you can prove that he is a bad influence on her or is harming her in any way.

What you can do though is refuse to see him at your door if you don't want to. Have you discussed the possibility of him staying in his car when bringing or picking up your daughter ? He won't understand he is unwelcome if not told.

Your ex has obviously moved on. Have you discussed her new stepfather with the young lady ? Does she get along with him and feels comfortable around him ? If that is the case, then all is well and you can focus on moving on yourself.

Have you thought of counseling to help you do so ? You are distressed and may need support to regain some peace of mind. You too deserve to move on from the painful past.

As you say yourself, your marriage was already in trouble. Trying to save it was commendable but it takes 2 people to do this. It seems your ex didn't believe it could be salvaged or she no longer wanted to. If she had been happy with the way things were between you she wouldn't have chosen to look elsewhere.

I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you intended them to. Sometimes, people just grow apart and love withers away. Sometimes it can be rekindled, sometimes not. When this happens, must someone in particular be blamed ?

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Randomx~

I can see you you are in a difficult position and wish that you and your daughter had the sort of relationship you might have had if you and your ex had not split up. Sadly you have and now you have to cope with a different set of rules.

I guess the most important thing is the welfare of your 16 year old daughter. If I understand correctly she lives with her mum most of the time, and has in the past had limited contact with your ex's new husband. That went on for around 4 years. Now the level of contact has increased, in line with an agreement you had with your ex.

Have I got that right?

Unless you know of something very adverse about this person I guess the appropriate thing, as Starwolf suggests, is to talk to your daughter and see what she wants, how she feels about her step-father. Perhaps helping with the painting is an indication the relationship may be a positive one.

If he has obeyed the agreement, but is in greater contact now and making efforts to build a relationship with her I guess that might say something positive about him.

I honestly don't think for any young person it is good for them to be in a situation where they feel by being friends with one person that are betraying another. I would imagine such split loyalties could lead to a great deal of unhappiness.

I know you are in a most unhappy position, you may be right in thinking you are best for you daughter, I don't know, I'm not sure your influence has to diminish, I think if your daughter feels secure and enjoys being with you then you can look forward to a life long relationship - a good one.

I'm afraid you do have to deal with the situation as it is now, and need to look to you own life, with all the possibilities that entails. Have you managed to start a new relationship with someone else?

It might be, depending on how you explain matters, that your ex might consent to ferrying your daughter to your place accompanied, so you are not confronted by the situation every time she arrives.

I may not have said exactly what you wanted to hear, or even agree with.

What do you think?

Croix

Thanks a million SW ,very appreciated. l didn't think this thread went in but here it is after all so really pleased as l hope some other dads drop in also that are dealing with this stuff, maybe they can share their wisdom huh.

But yeah , have been talking to some counselors a bit , mostly the free call stuff because l just can't afford proper in person sessions. Mens line have been fantastic and l was also in a divorce forum for a long time and the people there were all going through this stuff and were mostly fantastic. One of my things is though that l've had so many things in this last 5yrs, l really need the same person steady that can get to know my whole sitch and work through the bits but that would cost and l just don't have it right now.

Life hasn't been all bad as l met girlfriend 19mths ago and it was an incredible time for us both. But she'd just gone through divorce too and l'm not sure if it was left overs from that or what but sadly she had some problems as well and there were other big things in our way also , nother story but , we broke it off 6 wks ago now and although not 100% , l don't think sadly , we can work it out.

Anyway , on ex's H , no he hasn't come to the door or gotten out , he's still very cautious , and l don't blame him because sadly l haven't forgotten one thing but, ex and him are getting bolder as l think she feels it's time l sucked it up and they've turned up twice together now dropping my d off. Once was dark and so l didn't even realize he was in the car.

My d and l have talked a little about it and she is very aware of the whole new partner thing in family breakups because sadly all her friends are going through a lot worse than us., At least ex and l have kept any spite and bs out of it and mostly worked together for d.

But anyway, l've never showed d any anger towards him bc l don't want her caught in that bs,no of this is her fault. and just in this last 18mths , we have had a few talks and l've tried not to show any hard feelings. l told her one day though that he will never be her step dad , she only has one and l'm it, she was really happy about that.

and thankfully nah, she actually likes him ok though and l think he's fine around the kids. he's got 4 of his own, umm, to 3 different women, married twice.

l dunno if she knows he basically helped destroy her family or not. and yeah l know it takes two but for one to line up a newy before the marriage is even done , no sugar coating that one to me.

Guest_1584
Community Member

Thank God , but ex and the hub don't live together yet and ex and my d still live in her unit.

But l dunno what her plans are and as this is the gift that keeps on giving, l expect the next kick between the eyes l have to deal with will be ex announcing she's moving in with him and so d will go too unless she wants to live at my place for awhile.

but given her town and friends there now, bf , l doubt she'll choose to move over to mine. it's 20mins over.

my d has been incredible to l wanna add, she's been staying and turning up every week end, and a lot through the week too and been fantastic soof course l can't complain right now that she's16 and is doing what we do at 16, l can't blame her at all of course , non of this is their fault but so sad how it's the kids that really get hurt and have their lives turned upside down through divorce , it's so wrong.

She wrote me a beautiful letter for fathers days, melted my heart , and l do hope your right and others ,that l will always be her dad,l gotta admit , l always fear she;ll forget me and all my efforts and all mum and him will have to do is flash a few bucks and run her whereever she wants , give her whatever she wants, and she's got it made , yaknow. Kids are kids , can't blame em but they can follow the gravey train too in this stuff.

ln the divorce forum l was in , some of the kids refused to have anything to do with the new partner and stuck with the mum or dad , especially if the new partner was the one that helped break up the family, whichever was left behind, but others just rolled with it , mine seems one of those.

l don;twant her angry and hating at her mum or this guy because it's just no good , but in a way , l know it might be wrong , but too l sometimes wish she was more like some of the kids that won't go near them and stick by the parent left behind.

l know it's wrong but sometimes , l just can't help wish that.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello Randomx, I'm sorry about this situation, but the same also happened to me, as it wasn't long after our divorce my ex shacked up with a chap much older than her, but he has everything she always hated in me, amazing heh.
I always asked not to bring him when she and I see our little grand daughters, so at first this happened but now he she has to be with him because he's getting old, and sure we're divorced and I have no say in the matter, but I know that if the boot was on the other foot, she would be feeling exactly the same, however it's not because I'm still living alone with my puppie.
Both my two sons dislike him but put up with him, even though he keeps telling what's best, especially in the garden.
A lost love can never be returned, no matter how hard you try. Geoff.

Guest_1584
Community Member

Hi Geoff and thanks for talking about your sitch muchly appreciated.

yeah , l just dunno weather to risk it though because l guess your ex isn't controlling you and your grand kids though that's the only thing but the problem in my sitch is l sorta depend on mines cooperation it really helps us all so if l ask her and she cracks the sh@ts . l mean l think it's a pretty damn fair thing to ask but she's been not herself at all in all this since day one and crazy unpredictable and moody,going of her nut , never saw a ripple with her in 19yrs she was themost steadiest person l ever met. But she went into early menopause you see , 39 and man it really through her into a spin. l just dunno how she'll react

Anyway thanks again and yep l'm def' considering it .

So you never wanted to marry again Geoff or ? l swore l never would again but accidentally met my little Italian 20mths ago and was knocked of my feet 50 which ways and lo and behold , within mths we were talking about marriage. Sadly l don't think it can work out and she also has some issues but l was amazed meeting her effected me that way.

Still , maybe that is really it this time, just couldn't see myself feeling like that again now. Can never say never though l suppose .

God almighty , me and my big mouth , guess what's been happening while l starte d this very thread.

Something happened with ex and her unit last wk so she's moved in with the new bloke and my daughters gone too. My daughters 16 and a bit and needs her mum right now at this age soooo, she chose to move with her.

Now , she lives with him.

Just keeps getting better. l knew it's been on the cards a good 6mths l've been waiting for ex to approach me with the good- not, news, well, it finally has.

hi Randox, I'm sorry your ex has moved in with him taking your daughter, but this doesn't necessarily mean she is going to feel comfortable, because now it's a different situation and she might not like the way things are being organised or done around the house or what she's not allowed to do, such as bringing someone home or in the future overnight.
It's totally different meeting him every now and then than to moving in, because she will be thinking of you.
With me I decided I would never get married again, it could be like 'jumping from the frying pan into the fire', although it was only the last few years of our marriage that was like this, but I suppose it was my depression causing this.
I enjoy single life simply because I live strange hours and these are what suits me. Geoff.

Guest_1584
Community Member

Ahh Geoff, thanks for that my friend, you got no idea how much but just thanks.

Something big blew up with ex , l didn't ask what , but it was about her unit , maybe she lost her job, not sure. But when l said well hello we are meant to meet about this first you can't just take my daughter where you want. she said she knew that but with the emergency of whatever happened she said she had no choice and had to make an on the spot, talked it over with my d if she wanted to move in with me or stay with her mum, she chose mum. damn that just breaks my heart with the new man involved but at the same time she is a girl and at this age, l understand , you know , but it still makes me feel sick to the stomach.

You know geoff, one thing l can't work out , is why this pain has been on going and life has just stayed so bad for 5yrs, yaknow. why hasn't some good come of it.

yet l've tried so hard to do everything l can for my daughter and to be there for her. even just bought this house for a solid base for her, and l hate it here, and now she's moved in with them anyway.

you know , l just can't see what l did to deserve all this when l;ve tried so hard to do the right thing. And now l'm stuck here for now but for no reason. the small amount l've been seeing her lately l could do from anywhere.

l'm seriously considering getting out of this house seems as this has happened now , as l really just don't like it here and l feel like l don't fit in and life is passing me by here . as if there is no happiness here for me or future. and now she's living with them anyway so l almost just don't see the point staying. she might start coming more one day , but she might not, the boyfriend doesn't look like going anywhere and he's taking most her free time this year, and now she's moved in with them. l just dunno.

But thanks to anyway , for not minding talking about your decisions after divorce,. Seems a lot of guys in this sitch don't wanna go there again and wanna stay single. l can well understand it.

Myself , well l met a gf and fell in love all over again but that just doesn't look like we can work it out and so , back in and then out of that pan myself too,.It was an incredible time with her but also many head aches in it to with our circumstances and what seemed like her issues. Not sure but they were very hard to cope with whatever might call them. Si , single again for me by the looks and so sad to lose her but maybe it was best.

So l hear you mate .