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Dr_Kim Understanding feelings of rejection. 
  • replies: 38

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like los... View more

Rejection is such a tough one to deal with, I am yet to meet anyone who embraces it and I know many people who go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it. I think the only way to get on in life is to see it as part of the human experience, much like loss and grief. You can’t have the good bits without sometimes experiencing the bad, it’s just the way it is! So we all need to develop ways of managing the difficult emotions that rejection throws up. Lets think about what those thoughts or emotions might be. Here’s some examples. 1. “I’m not good enough” This is a common one. It’s so easy for us to see what we think are faults and think that others can see them too and convince ourselves that these faults make us unlovable. These thoughts are often on replay from a nasty part of our brain, that low self-esteem part that makes us believe that unless we are “perfect”, we cannot possibly be loved or accepted. The honest truth is that we are all just imperfect passengers on the"bus of life”, doing the best we can with whatever we can in the moment! So welcome on board. Brene Brown has some wonderful YouTube videos about this, I'm going to share one below however also recommend you check out her channel as there are many more! 2. "Nobody will ever love me”. This is a very common thought and it comes from the anxious part of our brains that also seems to have a crystal ball! The anxiety centre seems to think it has very good predictive powers but it is a trap and don’t listen to it! It’s a complete and utter lie that anxiety often tells us. 3. “I’ve ruined the ‘perfect relationship’, now what?” Sometimes this is a stage of grief. Often, when we are grieving a loss, we go through a phase of idealising. Things like “it was perfect” are common because it conveniently erases all the things that weren’t that you don’t want to deal with. For example: I see this sometimes with patients who had terrible relationships with their family members and complain bitterly for years, and then once they pass away, the grief allows them to only seem to recall the wonderful times. In some ways, it a blessing, but it can mean in some situations that the hindsight is not always accurate. I also think that in viewing the relationship in an idealised way prevents any real opportunity to learn and grow from it. We can all gain from understanding how we went wrong in experiences so that we don’t repeat the same unintended mistakes. In summary, rejection is a common and necessary part of being in the game of life. To not be in the game because of fear would be a huge shame . Life is too short not to experience the many wonderful emotions that come from being ourselves. In Brene Brown's language: it’s important not to spend your time walking around the arena of life waiting to feel perfect so you won’t be rejected. Just kick the door down and step in and don’t let the critics get you down.

Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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tranby Don't want to go back. Help.
  • replies: 1

My Ex-Boyfriend of two years and his friends have decided to make a huge joke out of our relationship two years on. when we broke up, i was already at a low and it pushed me to the edge. i suffered extreme anxiety and depression. Now ive moved on and... View more

My Ex-Boyfriend of two years and his friends have decided to make a huge joke out of our relationship two years on. when we broke up, i was already at a low and it pushed me to the edge. i suffered extreme anxiety and depression. Now ive moved on and im really happy, but all these tags on posts from his friends are really starting to bring up some bad memories and feelings. ive decided to be smart and not retaliate back, but its getting more frequent. Ive blocked most of them, but new friends of his keep finding ways to torment me by adding me to posts and bringing up my name all the time. ive reported it and saved everything they have said but nothing has been done by facebook because they aren't threats. Im just over it and i really dont want to be where i was. i dont know what to do

Phoenix_13 Help
  • replies: 3

I'm not coping. 3years ago I got the courage to leave an abusive marriage ( we were married for 7) he continued to try and control and manipulate me as a result I handed over our 3 young children, believing all he said about me being a failure etc, I... View more

I'm not coping. 3years ago I got the courage to leave an abusive marriage ( we were married for 7) he continued to try and control and manipulate me as a result I handed over our 3 young children, believing all he said about me being a failure etc, I regretted that day ever since and 18 months into a court battle too see them ( he is using my history of mental illness as proof I'm a horrible person.I was abused as a child,bullied as an adolescent, developed Annorexia and was hospitalised at 17 diagnosed as depressed at that time and branded a failure and someone who has caused my family too much stress,I was medicated, self medicated with drugs found yoga hot better meet my ex feel apart finally left continued to feel like a bourdon on everyone including my children , being a mum made me proud and gave me a sense of worth,) I meet my next partner we planned a baby , then 6 months ago things started unravelling, I didn't want to be spoken to rudely or controlled,I tried to keep things together, I honestly felt and too some point still feel he was the love of my life,however 2 months ago he decided he had had enough, whilst I have our son with me ( he is 1) his family have continued to bully me and I have lost friends, I was forced to move home, suicidal thoughts and self harming are rearing their ugly heads, I feel so alone, I can't bourdon my family with more of my failures as a person, I know I have my son too live for, but I'm scared of being alone, and it hurts when people are so heartless in their comments

izimini my life is pointless
  • replies: 2

I'm turning 24 in a month. I've suffered from anxiety low self image, self hatred and depression for many years. When i was 15 i quit school and stayed in my room until i was 20. During that time i abused drugs. by some stroke of luck i met my ex thr... View more

I'm turning 24 in a month. I've suffered from anxiety low self image, self hatred and depression for many years. When i was 15 i quit school and stayed in my room until i was 20. During that time i abused drugs. by some stroke of luck i met my ex through a friend i had online and moved into her house. I immediately quit drugs and we were together for 3 years. She wasn't just my girlfriend she was my best friend. On valentines day last year she broke up with me in a very cruel way. Keep in mind i had no friends before i met her so she was my only friend. One month after she dumped me my grandfather had a stroke so i flew to sydney to see him before he passed away. While there i also saw my father that i hadn't seen in 8 years. All he did was insult me and say things like "i can't belive she even liked you who would like you?? you don't even have a job!!" So here i am almost a year and a half later (which i spent in my room the whole time) iabused hard drugs to cope and recently went to rehab and am now clean. Then it hit me....i used drugs to kill the loneliness....what's the point of staying clean if im still sooooo lonely that all i want to do is die?? I have no one. No support network. I had the girl of my dreams and she betrayed me I have no friends to turn to....I have nothing. So to try to move forward i apply for jobs....the problem is...NO ONE will hire me due to my lack of work experience!! It's not my fault i was too afraid to leave my house in my youth and have chronic depression!! Also i should mention i've been to MANY psychiatrists/psychologists and tried at least 12 different anti depressants. None helped. In fact many of the psychiatrists said outright they can't help me. So here i am alone in my room i can't stop thinking about my ex even though it's almost been a year and a half since she dumped me im still lonely to the point i can't take it anymore i've done everything i can do to get help and nothing works. The loneliness is killing me. And i have no one to turn to and no clue what to do.

djbrowndog Separation and BPD
  • replies: 4

Hi all, Last July my wife and I moved out and separated from each other. We'd been together for 10 years and have a 6 year old son. We decided to split the previous January and lived together until our lease ran out. We are amicable and care for each... View more

Hi all, Last July my wife and I moved out and separated from each other. We'd been together for 10 years and have a 6 year old son. We decided to split the previous January and lived together until our lease ran out. We are amicable and care for each other very much and, obviously, the welfare of our son. I'll preface what I'm about to say by explaining my personality and issues. I'm 36 and have a the Myers-Briggs 'pigeonhole' of an INFJ (I've always been like this and have taken the test several times over the years). I feel things very deeply and my primary mode is internal, I'm known as a 'Protector and carer'. If you want to know more: http://psychology.about.com/od/trait-theories-personality/a/Infj.htm In terms of my emotions they are very strong and I will often 'give' more than what I receive. This is ok but I do suffer from bouts of mild depression, probably 3 - 4 times a year. The bouts don't last long 3 - 5 days),however, I do withdraw from contact with family and friends (not completely), although I can put on a face if I need to, particularly at work. I've learnt to deal with this over the years and see it as my 'emotional downtime'. Some days I can't get out of bed.I've been very practical (as my ex has too) about the separation and I have only really started to grieve about the loss in the past few months. As I see my ex regularly due to our son, I guess this makes it more difficult. I'm seeing my psychologist regularly who has been very helpful and also pointed out some painful truths while providing me with some cognitive exercises to help. To tell you the truth, I haven't been in this dark a place in my life before. I know I will cope and I know I will survive but the pain is real and at times unbearable.My ex was finally referred to a psychologist a few months ago (something both her and I had talked about during the time we'd been together - I suspected all along that there was something not quite right) and has been diagnosed with BPD. She is very internally minded and has several symptoms of the disorder - self-harm, lack of self worth, black or white thinking, impulsiveness, anxiousness and paranoia about social interactions and relationships etc. At this point in time I'm the only one who knows this - she wants to deal with it herself, which is fine. She has opened up to me quite a bit in the last few weeks and has said that she 'loves me' and am 'the most important person apart from our son' in her world. This confuses me no end! She has said that she 'checked out' of our relationship a long time ago and that it was her decision to separate. She has never given any 'finality' to the break-up. The closest is 'We probably won't get back together'. This leaves me in a state of hope... which I need to stop to 'get on with it' so to speak. I also create my own hope through the sometimes 'normal' interactions we have - this is not her doing just my mind at work.I can understand that she wants to go through this herself but I feel that I can support her in managing the situation. Is this being presumptuous on my part? I guess you can't support someone that doesn't want that support. Perhaps I am 1. too close to the situation and 2. need to deal with my own emotional state?I guess I'd like some advice and support from any one out there who has been in a similar situation, is a BPD (or non), or anyone who is in a relationship that involves a BPD partner. How should I be around my ex to help myself and her and the situation? I understand that this is a question that may have several possible answers or outcomes but any advice is most welcome. I am not at all concerned with the safety of my son - she and I love him very much but I am concerned how she is coping and what best I can do to support her.thanks in advance,dj

Michelle1978 Some days are hard and I still think about him a year later ....
  • replies: 4

Well I was with my ex boyfriend for just over 4 years. I really loved him and fitted in with his family quite well. His mum even said to him to start saving for an engagement ring. I didnt want to marry him - sometimes I just felt that we were on dif... View more

Well I was with my ex boyfriend for just over 4 years. I really loved him and fitted in with his family quite well. His mum even said to him to start saving for an engagement ring. I didnt want to marry him - sometimes I just felt that we were on different paths in life. He wanted to get married and have a family. But I loved him all the same and supported him as best I could. He was from a very wealthy family and seemed to have no idea about money etc.Anyway over the years we spoke about moving in together but it just never happened. I was still trying to save a deposit together to buy a property which we could live in or use as an investment. I had a mutual friend of ours give me an ultimatum at one stage which made me upset. I didnt remain friends with her because I dont believe real friends give ultimatums. My ex boyfriend still remained friends with them which upset me. I never stopped him from seeing them but as he had a big mouth I would just ask him not to talk about me at all etc. because I didnt want to be a topic of conversation. He wasnt very supportive. I went back to uni a couple of years ago and he wasnt happy about that at all but I did it anyway. His reason why he didnt want me to was because it would take time out of our relationship. He didnt seem to like any change. Just go with the status quo.Anyway there was a couple of times in the relationship where he just withdrew himself etc. I didnt know why but then he would come around and be ok. His family lived in another state and we were going to go on holidays to see them last year. Before we booked the tickets I asked him was he happy with me and our relationship and he said "Yes" so he booked the tickets. I was excited as it was one of my fav spots to visit.Anyway about 6 weeks later he had withdrawn himself and was acting a bit strange. Said he wanted to have a break and that he didnt feel the same for me (it just happened out of the blue). We went to counselling and he said the only reason why he booked my ticket to see his family was so that he didnt want to go on his own. This upset me as I gave him a chance to express his feelings before we booked the tickets. He was really pushing me to have a baby and in counselling when asked how we he afford it he said "There is government support available" and the in the next sentence he said "One day I will be filthy rich" this is due to his inheritance that he will get one day. This showed me that he had no idea. This didnt align with my values on money either as I have always been taught to work hard and save hard for the things you want in life. After the counselling we split up and the counsellor said to me that he was very immature and she thought that he didnt have enough maturity to become a father (he is 34). Anyway I told him I didnt want to stay friends with him but Facebook was ok because I had nothing to hide - then a couple of weeks later he blocked me and couldnt give me a good excuse why. This really upset and annoyed me. Anyway I havent had any contact with him for many months. In that time I have brought my own place etc. then a couple of weeks ago I found out he has a new gf who is a lot younger. Also his mum treated to the family to an exclusive get away and I just thought "He will never learn about money". Sometimes I still think about him and wonder how he is doing. I still get a little upset about it sometimes. I was talking to a distant relative of his on skype and he told me that he said to my ex that it was a shame that we split up because he liked us together and then my ex got upset and wont talk to him at all which is just immature. I have tried to move on with life. I have put myself online and gone out for a couple of coffee dates recently but sometimes the feelings keep coming back

Bee_94 Him wanting a break
  • replies: 4

I was told late last week that he had lost the spark from our relationship, he wanted a break and i agreed to it even though its not want i wanted, i wanted to work on our relationship and get that spark back , he didnt want any of that so i have fou... View more

I was told late last week that he had lost the spark from our relationship, he wanted a break and i agreed to it even though its not want i wanted, i wanted to work on our relationship and get that spark back , he didnt want any of that so i have found myself all weekend in a crazy spiral, one minute im fine next im a crying mess, i feel like there is this pain that i cant get rid of, i think about shelf harming, jumping infront of a train hoping i would go into a coma and lose my memory then i think your such a stupid girl, a silly little patheic girl. I dont know what to do, i just want this pain gone !

hope23 How can I help my son?
  • replies: 3

I'm not sure how to help my 25yers old son. He is at home and doesn't want to work or study or go on centerlink. I'm financially supporting him, he plays internet games, sleeps in and hardly ever goes out, is overweight. gets angry when I ask him wha... View more

I'm not sure how to help my 25yers old son. He is at home and doesn't want to work or study or go on centerlink. I'm financially supporting him, he plays internet games, sleeps in and hardly ever goes out, is overweight. gets angry when I ask him what he wants to do? or I have suggested him to study, that I will take him to see a doctor, help him to find work. I ask him everyday if he is ok, a couple of times a day. I make sure he has a cooked meal and food in the house. In the past he has started and stopped courses and work and going to job club. He has been like this for a few years. Now I have recently married 2 years ago, after raising 2 kids on my own. I want help my son to help himself and be happy, productive, to work or study and be active. I have no idea how to do this?????

AnthonyS My girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me, I have no friends to talk to.
  • replies: 8

Hi I'm new to the forums, My ex has broken up with me yesterday. We have dated since I was 17 and now I'm 21 and the relationship is over. She left me because our relationship has been a little rocky and she found herself attracted to someone else. T... View more

Hi I'm new to the forums, My ex has broken up with me yesterday. We have dated since I was 17 and now I'm 21 and the relationship is over. She left me because our relationship has been a little rocky and she found herself attracted to someone else. The break up was respectful and I respect her for breaking it off with me before she "did anything" with him. (I believe her because I still feel that I can trust her). I know there is no way to be back with her. I understand that some may view this as just a highschool heartache and that the relationship isn't serious. But from 17-21 we changed together so much. It was those years where I really transitioned from being a kid to an adult. I feel that everything about me and the things I enjoy are linked closely to her, we did everything together. I neglected spending time with my friends while I was with her and now that she is gone I have no one to talk to about how I feel. I have deleted her from everything, I have thrown out all the pictures but literally everything in my room I got while I was with her. I look at everything in my room and for some reason my brain can recall all the moments I shared with her with that said item. I want to move on but I always have an urge to pick up with phone and call her. I cant stop crying. I'm in university and the subjects are hard and depressing. I'm also doing a shitty unpaid 8.30-5.30 internship two days a week. I spend my week hating this **** and would have 1 day off to look forward to seeing my only friend, my girlfriend. Now that she is gone, I don't know how I will cope. What should I do?

Brokenandbruised I feel so lonely and in need of affection
  • replies: 17

I'm hoping someone can help me. I'm feeling severely depressed . It's been going on since January this year. I've been thinking of harming myself but I'm even too much of a coward to do that. Everything is going wrong. I feel so lonely and need of af... View more

I'm hoping someone can help me. I'm feeling severely depressed . It's been going on since January this year. I've been thinking of harming myself but I'm even too much of a coward to do that. Everything is going wrong. I feel so lonely and need of affection. I even tried begging my ex- boyfriend to come back to me. When I ended the relationship it seemed right.. He was smothering me. Now because I'm so vulnerable I wish he was again. But I broke his heart, and he's with someone else now. He said he hates me now and can't even be friends because it's all too painful for him. He even changed his mobile number a few days ago so I can't contact him. That hurts so much. And there's another guy who I've never met in person who I've been talking to on and off for 11 years. He's very ill right now and he doesn't want to communicate with anyone right now. I feel strongly for him , but I can't call him. I'm trying to respect his wishes . I feel so empty. No one understands how bad I feel. My family see me as a burden. I can't think of one person who would miss me if I weren't here anymore. Am I so broken? I feel like my whole life I've suffered, I can't take it anymore. Why is it that other people can find love? I want to believe there's someone for me, but I've just about given up. When someone who adored me for 6 years now says he hates me, he even told me to kill myself. Even he with all his problems has found someone. Even my daughter's father is married, when he claimed when I was with him that I was the only woman he had ever loved. But I had to leave him, because it was an abusive relationship. Because my self-esteem is pretty non existent right now, every thing really hurts me emotionally. And I'm not strong enough anymore to take this. I'm sick of being abused by people. I'm sick of everyone taking their problems out on me. I'm sick of being different. Like I don't belong in this world. It's like everyone knows this secret language and I don't. I'm sick of starting a new relationship and to become emotionally attached, only to be betrayed or discover that it can't work out. Is it too much to ask to find one man who will love me for who I am, and who wants to be with me? It seems it is. I'm 41 now., and I feel like I'm 81.. I'm sorry this post is so depressing, but this is how I feel. I can't turn off my thoughts. I can't sleep because I can't relax. This voice is in my head all the time. And it won't stop. Can someone offer help. I'm seeing a psychologist and on medications but nothing works. I just don't see any hope for the future. I was religious, but even God has deserted me. I feel like I'm nothing. I am empty inside. I just need someone to listen to me. So if anyone wants to talk, please let me know. I'm only hanging on by a thread. beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

shanny28 My husband is gone and i feel like im dying
  • replies: 5

We have been married 12 years we have three boys ages 13.12.7..and we have not been getting along due to his cheating and disrespect.We separated and now me and the kids are staying with my sister we had a argument and he told me he didn't want to ev... View more

We have been married 12 years we have three boys ages 13.12.7..and we have not been getting along due to his cheating and disrespect.We separated and now me and the kids are staying with my sister we had a argument and he told me he didn't want to ever talk to me or see me n.life again..Honestly I never cheated on this man Ever he has cheated so many times treat me like crap etc...Recently we argued via text BC I asked if he wanted to have the boys over and he stated he didn't want me n didn't want to deal with me he started saying the youngest son is not his BC he is darker and and how my he hates me etc...So I got upset and I did say somethings to him BC I got tired of the way he speaks to be especially since he is the one cheating and neglecting the kids and now he is upset with me for me reacting the way I did and Friday I found out our son has a bone disease and a heart conditions and I called him and asked if he can go with me to the appointments this week n he said no BC of the way I talked to him..I tried calling today he changed his number and I went to the house to ask for it he said he would call but never did.I don't know what to do now BC he has done so much to me n I have forgave him and BC I got angry and told him how I felt he feels like I'm wrong? I don't know how to let him be BC I feel if I stop chasing him he will forget about the kids what should I do?