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I MUST let go

new_beginning
Community Member

So if its alright with everyone this is going to be the place i come to visit instead of reaching out to someone who doesnt love me or even think of me as a human anymore. When i want to send him a message or talk to him im going to write what im feeling here.

I need to stop thinking of him as someone who made me so very happy, someone who i thought i could spend the rest of my life with. Someone who i forgave horrible betrayals for because they were the one for me. He's not a friend. Not a parenting partner. He is nothing to me now and as much as it tears me apart i am nothing to him.

I want to let go of his hold on me, all the horrible things i was told i was. I want it all gone. I dont want to spend my days on the couch crying because i miss him and miss having a connection with him. I want to find that beautiful person who i used to believe i was. That healthy fit kind independant person who was an amazing mother, always there to help friend and the person who felt like she was worthy of being known and cared for.

I want to meet new people and be interesting and fun and live the life i deserve. I want to laugh!

I am a really nice person and if your reading feel free to leave a comment, some advice or perhaps looking for a friend, i am here and i want to get to know you!

Better days are coming and they are starting right now

38 Replies 38

BballJ
Community Member

Hi new beginning,

I think that's great, new beginnings can be a breath of fresh air and sometimes that's what we need. Sorry to hear about your relationship however it is always tough and the tears don't seem to stop and the pain doesn't seem to ever want to leave but I am here to tell you, the tears will stop and the pain will go away soon, it's being positive and counteracting the negative thoughts with positivity is a way to move on. If you want to go back to the bright person you sound like in your post then it seems you are halfway there because wanting it is the first step.

I am always happy to talk so feel free to post back as much as you would like,

My best for you,

Jay

Thanks Jay,

i havent felt this positive about the future in a long time. Ive spent the last year of my life crying and feeling like i didnt deserve any better but do you know what? I do!

Its not going to happen over night and its going to take alot of hard work. Im sure there will be tears still to come but they wont be permanent. This is not how my life will play out. I will be happy and i will feel loved again and if anyone wants to stand in my way be prepared to be knocked down!

I deserve the best and i intend on finding it

Infinite_Faith
Community Member

Hi New Beginnings,

I really liked reading your post. I am sorry for your loss but must say am very impressed with your courage.

You are clearly taking back control by stating what you want. (And what you don't want)

Well said.

All the best

IF

kittycat2
Community Member

Hi New Beginning's

I'm sending you lots and love and hugs, and more hugs. I understand how you are feeling, I've been there too. the past 12 months has been a grieving time for you, cause you've lost not only a partner, but your vision for your future with that person. Give yourself time, you deserve it. Its good that you have reached out to people here, I'm only new here too and have found people so welcoming and helpful with kind words and advice. I'm like you, I want to meet new people and have fun in my life too. I've only just realised that the last time I was really happy (except when I had my daughter in 2001), was before I met my ex-husband in 1988. I was so blinded by my partner that I believed I was happy with my life with him for 23 year (17 married), for all those years I was actually unhappy, and although I am struggling with a few things now, I am on the right track from joining here a few weeks ago. A man recommended the app smiling mind, which has helped me alot, as I use the breathing exercises when my mind wanders to thoughts I don't need. Send me a message anytime.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello New beginning, welcome to the site and thanks for posting your comment, although I do see that you have made many replies or other posts before which is terrific.
Living with a person who has no respect nor understanding for you, is certainly not a situation that is ever going to help you through this awful ordeal, but on this site, all of us have gone through our own type of depression and have had to suffer by ourselves for a long time, so we know what you are struggling with.
You have to separate yourself from this fellow because being with him is only going to hold you down and unfortunately only please him, because he could think he has control over you, and that's certainly not helping you one bit for your recovery.
You know that talking with people who have experienced similar circumstances as you are going through is definitely a great way for you to begin to feel better, only because we are one step in front of you and that's how we can welcome you and for you to gain our trust. Geoff.

new_beginning
Community Member

Day one hasnt started on a great note. I dreamt i was getting married, i was so happy. It was to an ex from along time ago with the same first name as the current ex.

My initial thought on waking was of how much i wanted that with my ex. Wanted us to be a family and us to take on the world together.

Now im here in tears waiting for the sun to come up and kids to wake up so something else can briefly take up my mind.

I dont want to feel like this anymore. I dont want a dream to have so much effect on my day, my week. Ive felt pain for long enough and i just want it to stop

new_beginning
Community Member
The tears havent stopped much. Ive made an appointment to see the psychologist week after next which is great coz usually the wait is so much longer. I dont want to feel like this anymore. I want to feel happy again.

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

hi,

it takes time to realise you deserve better and that the way you were treated is not acceptable. It's normal to feel ready to take on the world and do what's right for you and then crash. healing from hurt takes time. I've been/am there too. Give yourself time and be gentle to yourself. You go for it girl! You've inspired me, thank you. Just remember you may crash now and then, when you do, remember the things that made you strong enough to pick yourself up and say "I am good enough, i am strong enough, i will be happy".

I loved your first post, you are a great mum, a great woman. Don't let anyone take that away from you.

cmf x

Hi new beginning,

You do deserve to be happy and these dreams and the feeling of sadness that followed, that is fine as that is apart of the healing process, I have a friend going through something a little similar with a break up and she has good and bad days but she isn't at the point where she know's she deserves better and will do anything to get it.

Always remember, I like this saying, it is a spin on one I know but makes sense to me. "The pain you hold is the love you withhold" - meaning the pain you hold onto from previous break ups make it hard to find new love and give new love.

Also, always remember it's ok to cry because I think that is a way of getting stronger.

My best,

Jay