How do you get your partner to the resolution of a problem?
Back story: I have been with my partner for just over 2 years. We have lived together for 8-9 months. I got made redundant 6 months ago. Diagnosed with diabetes 3 months ago. Finally got 2 new jobs a fortnight ago. Now up until recently we barely fought even though we were both very stressed. Now its seems we fight about miscommunication every couple of days. We are both intelligent/free thinking people. We can identify the problems we have quite clearly. I just can't for the life of me get him to think/talk about/work on a solution with me or alone. He gets through the why he's sh*tty with me (again) but not what I can do differently. And then he just storms off. I'm changing my tone of voice, my angle, the medium (tried letters/emails instead etc). I've suggested things he can try to not hurt my feelings but doesn't attempt any of them. He never says sorry and it hurts.
How do I get him to find a solution with me?
He does love me... he just doesn't like me sometimes 😞
Hi Trapped and Crying,
Welcome to Beyond Blue forums.
Relationship issues really bring me down, any sort of difficulty with partners in the past has a big impact, so I can relate to your situation. For me, sometimes it feels like my whole world is crumbling.
It's great you are both able to identify issues and start to discuss them, part of the battle won I reckon. The difficulty is, as you are experiencing, finding agreeable solutions or even getting to discuss the solutions.
I wonder if there is a layer or even several layers underneath the problems that have been identified that cause your partner to halt discussions. One thought that occurred to me as I read about the stress you both were under is; now that the stress is much less, what do we do? It can sometimes feel abnormal when something changes (even for the better).
Another thought I had was whether you have any clues about what your partner is running away from when you get to that point in the discussion. Can you take us through a conversation up to this point?
I mentioned layers before and you said that your partner gets to the why he is grumpy with you but not what you can do differently. I wonder if looking at the layer underneath and exploring what is it about the issue that makes him grumpy and what it means to him.
An example: my nephew visits (he's 3) and runs out on my balcony very quickly, runs back in, runs back out etc. I'm grumpy with him because he is doing that, so I growl at him to stop - I'm grumpy with his behaviour, the reason is that he is running in and out. If I peel off a layer and ask what it is about him running in and out that I am grumpy with I find that it's because I'm scared he will go through the glass on the balcony and hurt himself. Obviously the next layer below that is I love my nephew and don't want him to get hurt.
I apologise if I have stated the blindingly obvious however sometimes it's difficult with emotional things to keep peeling off the layers to get to the parts that really need to be talked about.
Take good care and let me know how things are going. I'd be interested to know about how one of the conversations goes.
Good Morning Trapped
Paul here welcoming you to the BB forums
You are both going through a difficult period and I feel you for trying so very hard and your partner not reciprocating. You articulate yourself well Trapped...I am sad that your partner has 'forgotten' that relationships are a two way street....This is the foundation of any relationship..which you understand
When you mentioned that he 'doesn't like you sometimes' it actually sounds like that he doesn't like himself too much at the moment...Going by his anger I mean....He is venting...the wrong way..but he is.
Is there any chance of dragging your partner to a GP that you are comfortable with and having a chat? I feel you could be helped a lot here by even just basic counselling....community worker....social worker..or if you can afford it a psychologist? Even a GP would be a great start trapped..
We are here for you if you need us Trapped :-)]
Hello Paul 1 and Paul 2 ;-). I have found myself on the floor of my walk in robe crying into my dressing gown to muffle the sound. I've had my first coach session with New Access 2 days ago. I am working on things in my head and it seemed to be working well. I can't change anyone else's behaviour that makes me "grumpy" I can only change my own. So i have been doing what makes me feel strong and showing my partner that the coaching has helped. He said that if it worked for me and he was happier with me and wasn't happy with him still he would do the 6 week counseling sessions too, so that is a positive. This morning, whilst we both got ready for work we had a lively discussion about "black face" and minstrels etc. (Yeah we discuss odd things at odd times). He compared me to the lowest lifeform on the internet and told me he purposely said it to offend me as i have empathy for minorities that are offended by black face. I told him I was offended and actually really hurt by it also that i would like an apology. He said he couldn't say anything without hurting my feelings and walked out the bedroom. He took the boy to school (which i normally do). How can you walk away from someone you love when you've knowingly hurt them and not apologize? I want to fix this and I will do all that i can. I know he will hurt my feelings again. Humans hurt humans all the time. I've hurt him and I have apologized and corrected my behaviour. To say sorry goes a long way... how can I explain that to him? Paul 1... yes I will attempt to find out the underlying angst. When I was jobless and housebound stepmum I was depressed and beating myself up about it. Now I'm happier with 3 jobs/good money/sense of purpose. I wonder if he's jealous? He had the upperhand when he was the bread winner. He had a permanent housekeeper/chef/babysitter.
Paul 2. Thanks for the compliment. I consider both my partner and I quite articulate and smart. That's why I'm so annoyed we can't get to talk about a solution to this teeny problem that will be our demise. It's quite possible that he is annoyed/jealous/whatever because I have 3 jobs with the same company/I am happy with work. I have taken control of my Diabetes well and I'm working on bettering myself. Whereas he still has the crappy job and done nothing new with himself. He also blames me for not having a job which puts his life on hold because he supported me for 6 months. I just wish he would talk to me 😞
Well done and great work with New Access and your healthy outlook that your health is paramount
I read with disbelief what your partner said to you this morning.....and please forgive me but he has just given new meaning to 'lowest life form' where cruelty is concerned..I am sorry that you had to endure that..Unwarranted and cold.
He does appear very critical to you Trapped....I commend you for the great progress you have made with your health and work successes but I do hope your partner doesn't continue the way he is to you.
Great work Trapped
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