How do I manage this

[Guest_53358123]

I have been with my partner for 7 years.  Has 2 adult children 20 and 23.   I have 3 children 13-18years.   

I am fully independent and have my own home (mortgage) and a good careers.  He is a farmer - retired builder .  His wife and son still live on the farm.  The farm is 50% partnership.  Ex wife manages all the finances and my partner does not see and of the bills or the profits or even know where the business is up to and just lets the ex manage it all.  He only gets $500 per week from the farm. EX wife keeps asking for money for the farm from him ie: pay interest on loan .   His wife has only just got her first full-time job in the last 2 years.  Wife has never worked on the farm apart from getting books ready for accountant which is a friend of hers.   My partner is having to get a full time job and work the farm.  He says that he needs to sell the farm; however, he does not do anything about this.  Says he is trying to pull it into gear and tidy it up.   The house that the Ex gives in is a beautiful home and garden and has all the mod cons including pool. My ex maintains all of this still as he said its his asset too.  Her car is paid for and all her fuel and ancillaries , insurances and phone and healthcare .  She travels over 100KM/ per day for her job which isn't associated to farm.   I was wanting my partner to protect himself.   I wanted his to go to a solicitor o get some advice and a plan to move forward, however he doesn't get this.   He wants to come and live with me when he works his full time job. (The farm also supports adult daughter having bought her a 70k vehicle, paying rego and insurance and fuel and her phone , the son is on a disability pension and NDIS as he has mild autism.  He does work full time in town also and doesn't drive which is part of Ex wifes restrictive practices. )   I have said that if he does  move in with me he will have to pay rent and 50% for expenses.  he was not happy about this saying he maintains my place - he totally cracked it.   Yes if he is here he does mow the lawns however I am capable of doing this myself.  It is something he chooses to do, I don't need him to do it.   We resenctly decided to go 50% in a caravan.  I have a caravan previously and we wanted to upgrade.  I sold mine which would cover the cost of my half for a new van - so my half was sorted.  He was yes yes yes yes and said he had the money.   Now it has come tot he crunch and the van has finished being built he hasn't the money.  This has happened a few times.  When I was buying my house we were going to go into together and was bragging to the agent that money wasn't an issue.  at auction we put down 25K each as a deposit and when it came down to crunch time to finalise he couldn't come up with the money so I had to go it alone and seek finance for myself.  Embarrasing .  He also did it with my previous van also and I had to go it alone.   I need help as its really getting me down.  He is a nice man however I don't understand any of this.   Can you help me fathom this.  

[Sophie_M]

Hi ASM,

Thank you for sharing here. It sounds like a really complex situation and we’re sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way and going through such a difficult time together. We’re glad you could share this here, as our lovely community will have kindness, advice and understanding for you. 

You have a lot on your plate. If you ever want to talk some more, please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here.  

Another option is to reach out to Relationships Australia, you can call them on 1300 364 277. They also have some great advice on their pages, such as this one on communication in relationships. 

Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you. Feel free to come back at any time with any further updates if you like, too.    

Kind regards, 

Sophie M