How can I stop resenting my husband?

[Olivia777]

Hello,
I seem to have fallen into a vicious circle. We've been married for 5 years and have a toddler and 3 month old baby. I understand that I am going through major hormonal changes and my mood is greatly affected by this. We have ups and downs like most people, we argue then make up but never resolve any issues we have. I find it impossible to have a conversation with him. I don't deal well with raised voices or being interrupted, so I get very emotional and frustrated, so the conversation usually ends with one of us walking away. One thing we both do is mimic each others bad behaviour, so if one of us does something, the other will find a way to do the same thing back. So nothing ever gets resolved. When he leaves for work, I spend time thinking about how wrong this is and how I need to change, and then when I see him I can't even bring myself to say 'Hello'. There are a number of things he has done, or not done, that are always on my mind and I can't forgive him. How can I change my attitude towards him? I am really struggling, I am angry, frustrated and can't bring myself to show him affection. I know I need help.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Olivia777,

I would say that this is a fairly familiar pattern for a number of couples unfortunately, myself included! You start out with the best of intentions, raising a grievance carefully and then somehow or another is escalated and then you find yourself shouting at each other and the behavior disintegrates. One thing in your post stuck out in particular to me “I find it impossible to have a conversation with him”. I think that is fairly understandable when someone is raising their voice at you and interrupting you constantly before you’ve had a chance to say your peace. When you say that you get emotional in return, how does that come out? As anger, or crying etc? Just trying to get a picture of how things go. It’s a really good sign that you recognize that this has to change and seem committed to that happening. If you physically don’t like something you are much more likely to make steps to change it. However, you sound as though you don’t have the tools to do this on your own. I would suggest that a couples counselor would be really beneficial to give you practical steps that you can take in this situation. They may also decide that your partner needs additional focus on how they behave in arguments and may even suggest some one on one there. I have found that a helpful strategy when things get heated is to remove myself from the situation. It doesn’t mean we can’t talk about things later when we have calmed down, but nothing is going to get resolved by yelling and screaming. Other times I will send a text when he is at work and can’t use his phone. That way it’s been sent hours earlier and I’ve had a chance to calm down and he’s seeing it for the first time but there’s none of the back and forth arguing. The affection will come once you stop feeling so distant to each other

[ecomama]

Hi Olivia777

Sounds pretty awful. I'm sorry things are so trying for you right now and seem to be this way for a while now.

You can always start by phoning 1800RESPECT for your OWN self.
You can phone anonymously or leave your name and they keep a file so when you call back the next Counsellor / Psych has notes to read.

It would be difficult to leave your little baby and toddler, hence me suggesting this as an initial and VERY strong support tool for YOU.

YOU need support. Being a mum to a newborn and a toddler is hard to do. I know. I've most certainly been there.

By phoning the beautiful Counsellors there, you can have a real person on the phone listening and responding to your comments. The BB forums are excellent too.

It's extra, real time, support for you that's REALLY important too.

USE THE LOT.

Later on, if you feel you can broach the subject of Marriage Counselling with H, then do.

I would like it if you could get your head around some of the issues more clearly in your mind before going though. The phone Counsellor can help with this. Even calling them alongside your own Counselling of whatever type is ALL ok.

It's no wonder you don't feel like showing H affection. If you don't then you don't. It's an indicator of many things, usually to a woman. At times men have a different take on things there. We're just wired differently, that's all.

Let us know how you get on.

EM

[Olivia777]

Thank you replying to my post. I was in a dark place yesterday and your support meant a lot. I like your suggestion about sending a text, I'll definitely try that.

[Olivia777]

And the answer to your question is yes, I get frustrated and then angry. This is the part I suppose I have to work on, how can I stop my emotions and take control back of the conversation. Taking control back is difficult and then keeping the conversation going is hard, the couple of times that I'd managed to overcome the emotion, at that moment I had forgotten what I wanted to say on the first place. And that's the frustration.

[Olivia777]

Thank you for your reply and the suggestions you've made. I will try calling the 1300RESPECT and see if they can equip me with some tools to get the situation under control. I'll let you know how I get on. I feel much better today, thank you for being there in a dark moment.

[ecomama]

Any time at all Olivia777

Just a correction...it's 1800 RESPECT.

They are beautiful Counsellors and every woman and girl I've told to phone have found them SO helpful!

Please keep posting to let us know how you're getting on.

Love and best wishes
EM

[Juliet_84]

Hi Olivia777,

I’m so glad my words were of some comfort. I was also in a fairly dark place earlier in the week and someone on this forum managed to pull me out of it, so I’m glad I could pay it forward 🙂 It’s hard when you feel so emotionally distant from your partner, like you don’t know how to reach them, but desire a loving happy relationship. People have different languages and ways of expressing love and dealing with conflict and so it’s really just about figuring each other out in that respect. It’s hard not to get angry when you are feeling frustrated, as though you aren’t being heard, or even hurt, but the ironic thing is that your partner is likely also feeling this way, or misunderstood, when he displays his anger. When I went to couples counseling, one of our tasks was to write down the things that we were fighting about, including the underlying issues. I found this really eye-opening as there was definitely a theme with the issues (I.e I don’t feel listened to) . It was also really informative as it then gave me an insight into my partners issues and I learnt what his triggers were. So then whenever I was bringing up something that was a trigger for him, I knew I had to tread carefully. I’d love to say that we are great at conflict resolution now but it is an ongoing work in progress as he is fairly quick to anger when hurt and I get my back up if I’m spoken to badly. But we are definitely much better. We can at least resolve about 50% of our issues now 😂