Hi Geoff7,
Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.
What you are going through is particularly hard as it has happened for reasons you don't yet completely understand. Life with a mental illness is difficult for the person going through it, but it can also be difficult for the person who lives with and sees the effects of that on a daily basis. It takes a particularly patient and empathetic person to stay through all the ups and downs. I am sorry your partner has decided they could not cope anymore and is moving away.
I don't know if you have ever been through the grieving process after the death of someone close to you, but what you are currently going through is essentially that, a grieving process for the loss of your relationship. With this on top of your mental illness it is not surprising that you are dissociating and feeling ungrounded. I also think there is an element of fear surrounding your belief that you won't be able to recover without your partner.
You can do this with or without your partner, you have taken steps to discover what exactly you are dealing with so you need to keep taking those steps toward recovery. All forms of addiction are the result of something that is not in balance in your life, be it a past trauma that was never dealt with and healed, limiting beliefs, or a myriad of other reasons. When you are able to get to the cause of your mental suffering and begin to heal it, things begin to change for the better. Meds are a good way of being supported during that time you are working through finding and healing the cause, but they will not fix the problems that are the cause. Only acknowledging and facing the past and all the emotions that have been pushed down over time can do that.
Can I assume you are still seeing a counsellor on a regular basis? If not, please seek out help as you are going through a major challenge at present and need the support. One way you can begin to get grounded is to be in nature. That can be a walk along the beach, in a botanical garden, a forest if there is one nearby, a lake with wildlife, even working in your garden can help.
I have been dealing with dysthymia and major depression for the majority of my life and I dissociated after losing 3 members of my family to cancer. I was not aware I had done that until my new psych asked me where I was feeling a particular emotion in my body and I just didn't feel anything. I have been doing some work in my garden for the past few months and I am finding that I am gradually beginning to be able to pinpoint feelings in the body again.
Don't expect too much of yourself while you are in the grieving period, allow the grief to express itself and pass through you so that when the process is finished, you will not have added to the mental burden you are already carrying.
I hope this helps and please feel free to continue this conversation if you wish.
Take care,
indigo
