Hi Missy... We create an habit in our heads of thinking about a relationship that is not going the way we'd like. It becomes an obsession - "why, how, when, what could I have done better", etc etc.... It's like a movie in our head that plays itself over and over again... because we want answers that simply are not there.
But it is an unhealthy habit we need to break. And that takes mental discipline - get away from everything related to him. When you find yourself thinking about him distract yourself with something else - get busy with things that give you pleasure - you may not find anything right now but I'm sure there are things you have done in the past that made you feel good, even if it's something simple like having your favorite food or drink. Forgive yourself for feeling like you can't get away - it's a process that can take some time as you are re-training your brain into breaking the habit of revisiting the relationship over and over again.
For me, what has worked best is making the question of "Do I really want to go through another episode again... as I know how is it going to end??" every time I found myself facing the same situation. You will get to a point where you will say NO sooner or later.
I know right now you're feeling like there's nothing else after "this".. but believe me, there is. There is YOU as a person; yourself as your first priority. And this is the way it should be - much on the contrary to the way we have been raised in this society! As kids we were taught to be "good kids" and put others before ourselves - hence the low self esteem, always trying to please others and the habit of putting our own value in somebody else's hands (parents, partners, friends). We need to learn to put ourselves FIRST, love ourselves before loving others because if we don't love ourselves, how can others love us...? And it's got nothing to do with being selfish, as they have made us believe when growing up!
Hope this helps you find peace...
Hanna 🙂
