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Missy580
Community Member

Hi guys,

I need some advice.
My ex and I were together for a year and a half and broke up 5 months ago. The connection we had together started to fade and I found that the person he was at the beginning of the relationship also started to fade. When the relationship came to a end we both accepted that the timing wasn’t right for us. In the last 5 months he has frequently contacted me with the “ I miss you” and “ can we talk”. Out of the numerous times, I have each time given him the chance to talk to me and meet up with him. Recently he asked to meet and we both decided to take things slow and see how it goes before getting back together. Then the next day he suddenly changed his mind saying his “confused”. I have been dealing with him coming in and out of my life and getting my hopes up each time. I know this isn’t good for me but why can’t I let go? how can his mind change so suddenly overnight?

27 Replies 27

Missy580
Community Member
He has contacted me again and wants to meet up and talk. What do I do?

Missy580
Community Member

Geoff,

He has told me he would like to start hanging out together and seeing how things go before thinking about “getting back together”. After some thinking I realised that I need a little more from him if iam giving him my time. Is this wrong of me? Am I putting too much pressure on him?
He says he can’t guarantee anything but his intention is to get back together.
I’am having a constant battle with my head and my heart. My head says I’ve been here before and had him turn around the next day saying his “confused” and “not ready”. But my heart isn’t ready to let go completely.
I feel as though I throw my sense of value for myself out the window all in the hopes of having this relationship back.
When I told him I need more from him than simply hanging out, he twists it by saying now iam the confused one and am trying to blame him for being confused when it is me..

I’am confused

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Missy, I've just logged on and apologise but will get back to you within the next few moments after I want to reply to someone else first.

I'm sorry but will return very shortly.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Missy, if supposedly he rejoined you then there could be on several occasions decisions that need to be made, who is going to make them, the reason why and any percussions that follow, whether or not you are actually happy or just pretending to agree just to keep the peace and who always wants to make the final decision.

I understand how you are feeling 'my heart isn’t ready to let go completely' that's because you were married and together for a year, which would have been a magic time, however, problems started and desperately need to be sorted out, where firstly an admirable joint decision will be made, but it's long term where complications may once again return.

Your 'head says I’ve been here before' so maybe it's déjà vu and you've been caught up in this particular situation in similar circumstances once before, which now leaves the two of you being apart.

If his remarks tend to blame you and make you feel as though you're confused, then by getting back with each other leaves a question mark.

I can't say what you should do, but only give our suggestion, perhaps if I give you an example, my ex and I were married 25 years, divorced, but she and I have a good understanding and communicate regularly, but if we were to live together again, it wouldn't work out, even though I love her.

If you can make a decision the better you will be, promises made by text, email or phone are nothing like living together.

My best.

Geoff.

Missy580
Community Member

I’ve decided I need to cut contact and block the number.
How do I tell myself I’m going to be ok? I can’t get him off my mind and find myself thinking constantly about the past instead of future

Hey Missy

It's a strong decision you've made, and not an easy one, so good on you. It will hurt for awhile, there's no way around that, so allow yourself to grieve, but then focus on moving forward. A couple of suggestions:

Sometimes after a break up, we look at the relationship through rose coloured glasses. Try to keep a balanced view of how things really were. Examine your thoughts. Don't let them control you - they don't. You're in charge.

Another thing that can be helpful is when you find yourself on the thought train (going nowhere..) is to say out loud "stop".

You will absolutely be ok! Be kind to yourself. Try and keep busy and do things you enjoy. Spend time with people who are good for you. You've been strong and brave, now keep going x

If I made the right decision why does it feel so wrong..

Ive been through breakups before but this one is on a complete other level. It’s been 5 months and I feel as though I’m only getting worse

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Missy, you need to remember that getting through a breakup is as much a physical process as an emotional one and even though you've blocked contact, which is really a good start, there will situations you see that will remind you of the time you and ex enjoyed, that maybe so, but remind yourself of the occasions that followed after this where his personality changed.

Any contacts you both shared creates a problem, simply because you don't want them to relay any messages about what you're done or going to do back to him, and if this does transpire, then perhaps you may need to avoid them until you are better, because this will keep you back recollecting memories and you don't want this.

You need to stop thinking about 'we', that doesn't exist anymore, at the moment you're waiting to fall in love with another person, someone who respects what you do and would dearly want to participate and encourage you in any way possible, and more so the same with you.

Of course, there will be thoughts of the past, these need to be pushed to the back of your mind until eventually, they don't mean anything, so now it's 'I', I will grow the way I want to because 'we' isn't a concern.

I'm capable, I know I am, the past has gone.

Take care.

Geoff.

Missy580
Community Member
I just happened to bump into him at the shopping mall. Do you have any tips for this?
I was so unprepared and felt the sudden dump of anxiety. I left the store before I could even complete my shopping & I feel as though this has wrecked my whole day

Missy

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's certainly not easy. I can relate to be honest, as I'm going through the same thing myself, and it doesn't seem to be getting easier, which is confusing, but I'm determined to stick with it, and to stick with no contact, as I really feel it's the best thing.

In regard to the particular situation you mentioned, my psych suggested I prepare in advance for how I will respond. What will I say? What will I do? Think about what will work best for you. One suggestion my psych gave was to immediately phone a friend the minute I spot him. That way he won't engage with me because I'm busy, and I'm distracted by a pleasant encounter.

Hope that helps, even a little. Katy