Help

[Stephii]

Hi. I'm just laying here a bit upset I don't know what to do anymore.my bf and is communication he depleted, he tells me he hates affection and we do not kiss hug or touch and he never calls me babe or baby anymore. He says go eat some more food you fat f"** if you stood next to an elephant I wouldn't even be able to tell the difference. I don't think I'm fat I like myself in the mirror but he's led me to believe I'm a giant mammoth and I hardly eat anymore if I eat one thing he says go on shove your face but the thing is I don't and I hardly eat he acts as if I eat so much when I lost five kilos in a week I am afraid to eat he calls me a fatty and to go lose some weight it's like he wants me to be skin and bone to make him happy he said it you weigh more then me which I don't it must make you fat. I said everyone's body is different I'm Maori I'm not skin and bone but I ain't fat. I like my body always have and no-one else has ever called me that. And if I tell him about his ignoring tactics silent treatment neglect he gets mad and starts calling me nasty names I don't know what to do anymore I just call him those names back cos I am hurting. It's taken a huge toll on my self esteem and now all my insecurities are bought out.  Not to mention the fact I get called ugly r****d if was gone noone would notice cos my family doesn't care about me . My dad killed himself and he knows I don't have anyone. On top of that gamble issues and everything else I'm so depressed and then I don't clean the house because he nags me right after he's called me names. And then he's nicer to everyone else but treats me like garbage. I don't know what to do anymore I do want to live I love life but he just stresses me out I feel like he doesn't love me I'm not sure any tips ?

[Sophie_M]

Hi Stephii, 
 
Thank you so much for your openness and strength in sharing this here. It sounds like there is a lot going on, and we’re really glad you could reach out to the forums. We'd like to say first off that there is nothing okay about this behaviour and you do not deserve to be treated in this way.
 
We’d recommend reaching out to 1800RESPECT to get support with this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 and they also have webchat here. They are experts in supporting people who are experiencing abuse and will listen in a kind, understanding and non-judgmental way.   It sounds like it's really having an impact on how you're feeling day to day, so please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online, here.    We’re sure we’ll hear from our lovely, supportive community soon. In the meantime, here’s a few things you might like to look at: 

• Blue Knot’s advice on self-care for survivors of trauma and abuse 
• 1800 RESPECT’s advice on safety planning: thinking about things you can do to be safer while you’re there and as you plan to leave.  
• It's really important to be kind to yourself through this, so there's some tips for practicing self-care here. 

We are here to support you and you are not alone. Thank you so much for sharing here. Please feel free to share a bit more and let us know what is going on for you, and what might help, if you feel comfortable.   Kind regards,   Sophie M 

[ecomama]

Dear Stephii, welcome to the forums. You belong here very much. Hugs! 

What your bf is doing is 100% abusive. 

You need to get away from him asap. 

You have some feelings of self worth left. I'M GLAD FOR THAT! 

If you stay then over time things will only get worse and NO ONE wants that for you! 

You are worthy. You ARE beautiful, you know this. We can work on your healing journey more afterwards. 
You feel bad in this situation because living with an abuser is absolutely intolerable. 

It's time to get your "ducks in a row" to leave. 

Are you able to be alone without bf interrupting you to call on your phone? 
If you are, PLEASE call 1800RESPECT. There are amazing, supportive Counsellors and Psychologists waiting right there to HELP YOU. 

You deserve this help and need it right now. 

My deepest sympathies for the loss of your father. Hugs sweet girl. 
Things are not going to end this way for you. 

Be determined. 
Be focused. 

You can do this. We've got your back. If I may call you "sister", I have Maori blood too! 
Watching YouTube clips of the Haka really stirs and empowers me. Try it. 

Love EMxxxx

[Petal22]

Hi Stephii,

Im so sorry your boyfriend treats you this way it is very disrespectful behaviour.

You shouldn’t feel that you have to change for anyone and you should eat as much foods as you want to without having someone disrespect you about what you eat.

The fact that he is nice to others and treats you like garbage is really horrible.

You deserve much better and I believe your real soul mate is out there please don’t settle.

[geoff]

Hello Stephii, this is no way you should be living your life, with someone who abuses you at the drop of a hat and especially if he gambles, you aren't sure how much money could be lost and very few people who do gamble generally lose, sure they may win and that's when they tell you, but how much they loss is never discussed.

I can't tell you what to do, but however, I can suggest and know that in saying this may affect you financially, but you can't live with this chap, he is bringing you down every way he can, and this won't help you mentally.

Please get back to us so we can discuss this some more.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[mmMekitty]

Hello Stephii,

It saddens me to read you are in this relationship because without a doubt, what you describe is abuse. No one has a right to treat you in the ways this fellow has treated you. You deserve much better, you deserve to be treated with respect, kindness & care.

Sophie_M has given you some good advice & we can talk here too.

The people at 1800 RESPECT are likely the best to help you, first to understand about this sort of abuse, & take you through your options.

Because I think living with this abuse is unacceptable, add to that excessive gambling, & it seems an easy decision to me: Leave. But I’m not you. I don’t know your circumstances, except what you tell us.

I was concerned when you say he’s said no one would miss you, because your family doesn’t care about you. Is that true, or something he has convinced you of, so you would think you can’t go to them for help?

I understand you lost your father to suicide & that would have been awful. Was he your only family?

Also, I understand, if you have no support around you would make the decision to leave difficult. Leave to what, having nothing, I can imagine you might think.

It would help if you are working, & have an income yourself, which he cannot access.

Please, Stephii, as EM has advised, when you can be alone, call 1800 737 732 (1800 RESPECT) & at least have a talk with them & find out what your options are.

Please stay in touch,

mmMekitty

[Hotdog100]

this doesn't sound like a good situation to be in.

how can I help ?

[Juliet_84]

Hi Stephi,

Your partner is abusive..there’s no easy way to say it really..he isn’t calling you fat because he thinks you’re fat..he’s calling you fat because he is threatened of you, because you are lovely and gorgeous and that makes him insecure. And instead of being grateful for that, he chooses to wear you down until you are so depleted and depressed that he feels comfortable that you won’t leave. He will keep going until you are a shell of a person, and even then he won’t stop. You need to get away from someone who treats you like this, he is incapable of love. He’s nice to everyone else so that no one will believe that he is abusive. He will try and twist things around and make it seem that you are the one at fault and attempt to isolate you from your support system. As someone who has been there and wasted over a decade of my life hoping it will get better (it doesn’t, it gets much worse), you don’t need to walk away, you need to RUN!!