help me with my options, relationship issues

[batman0504]

Hi there,

im new to this i have literally nowhere else to go or anyone to help. i have been in a relationship for almost 6 years, im engaged. our relationship has been a rocky one as have only really been with each other and nobody else. over the years we have had some amazing times and horrible times, she has had a rough upbringing which has taken its toll on her and a very very bad parent that controls her life even post 21 years of age, this controlling effects her profusely and through her effects me too, we have been trying to move out so we can try and live a life of our own and test the waters as i cant handle it anymore. she is on a similar boat but she also feels guilt towards abaonding her family despite their actions and carelessness towards her. we recently had a sizable arguement regarding our future she has come around and is trying to put in the effort to continue on however im feeling quite scarred and damaged from this and all the previous 5 years of arguements that its starting to leave a bad taste in my mouth towards her which i know isnt her fault but im starting to contemplate if our relationship really is what i want or is the right thing to push for.

ontop of this i have a best friend that i have known longer than my partner who happens to be female and gets along no worries with my partner. however previous to meeting my partner i had a crush on this friend and i decided that it wouldnt ever happen and i should move on, fast forward 6 years to present day and recently its come to my realisation that i am not over that crush, long story short my best friend fits my life better than my partner ever could and i have her almost on par or higher on my priority list for personal reasons not associated with being madly in love with her. im trying to decide if this is a phase and i can live with the crush buried in my head and push through with my relationship or if i should call it quits be single and wonder what could have been and/or sit and wait to see if my best friend ever comes around and confesses some unknown love for me that im not aware of. this friend of mine genuinely makes me feel like the luckiest person in the world and brings me more happiness than my partner ever could dream of. i know this sounds all quite bad but please dont judge me i cant control what i feel. i love both of them but on different levels and i am at wits end with what i should do. 😞

[Chloe_M]

Hi batman0504,

first and foremost... Welcome! I'm glad that you have found your way to the BB forums, and welcome to the family 🙂

Your situation sounds tough... The question is, what feels right? Do you think you will be happy with your current partner? You're engaged- obviously, you've made it this far and love each other. You need to do the right thing for you. If you feel that its not going to work, being single is better than being a bad relationship. Keep that in mind.

This best friend of yours- you say that her and your partner get along fine. If she makes you happy, she sounds like a very important person, and if you feel that she is worth pursuing more than your current partner, then I think that you should do what feels best.

However (and sorry to be a bit blunt), what if she doesn't love you? Say you end it with your current partner and pursue your best friend only to discover that she doesn't love you like that? And if she does, you get into a romantic relationship, and then it ends badly, it may have destroyed years of friendship and trust and love (even if its not the romantic kind). I speak from experience when saying that relationships can ruin close friendships. My best friend, who is also my ex, dated me and we were in love, but he broke up with me to protect me from things going on at home. Thanks to him, we are still best friends, still in love, still single, but we aren't as close to each other as we used to be. He broke my heart and his along with it.

Ah sorry I went off on a tangent. Have you considered relationship counselling? They are trained in dealing with tings like this and I'm positive that you wouldn't be the first person they have seen dealing with this.

Until next time, good luck, and remember to be honest, and look after yourself.

Chloe

[batman0504]

HI Chloe_M

thanks for your reply, that is exactly the issue I'm dealing with right now, is I'm trying to decide what to do for me to make me happy as well as whats best for the both of us, yes we love each other dearly and have come this far, but theres so many pro's and con's to both options, my best friend is so much like me in every way it we almost finish each others sentences its uncanny, and thats my fear i leave my relationship become single and pursuing a relationship with my best friend would be pretty rough as you had said, i wouldn't be really able to pursue a relationship with them unless i got signs that they felt the same way, which i have and haven't got again 50/50 they are so much like me we almost are able to read each others minds and were quite open. she knows i loved her in the past she new it and i admitted it later down the track incase someone had mentioned anything to her, she thinks i have moved on and got over her but thats the big kicker that i have hidden from her for years for the sake of friendship and not knowing where id stand. she isn't one to judge either she knows feelings aren't controllable you feel what you feel and you can't help that.

so I'm thinking what if i do be single again for what ? what if its all for nothing and being single isn't going to reduce the pain as much, it will reduce it because I'm no longer in a relationship so thats a small weight off my shoulders of pain but is it the way to go?.

the thing that really is driving me is my best friend is able to make me laugh and smile and feel like the most important and lucky person in the world and if i were to be put on the spot and help one of the two if they were drowning id pick my best friend as bad as it sounds cause of the bond we have had over the years and things we have helped each other though. some people have told me to end my friendship so then it forces me to not have that issue but i couldnt imagine a life with out her, and she's told me the same thing that she couldnt imagine a life without me in it. so thats not an option at all.

i always imagined being in a relationship would feel amazing and I'm not saying mine hasn't (obviously not currently) but i imagined my partner to be everything this friend of mine is, so I'm looking at my life and i feel like I'm with the wrong person cause she fits the build better. but she may not even be an option at all.

[batman0504]

also i don't want to throw away something (relationship) for nothing if it turned out to be the best thing for me, and on the reverse i don't want to stay and keep this relationship if months or years down the road i fall into the same depressive state with the same issue all over again i feel like it could hinder progression with my relationship, i couldnt imagine seeing my best friend saying a speech at a possible wedding of mine without feeling upset inside that she isn't the one beside me. sounds horrible i know but I'm just being honest. i have never been weak minded i struggle with decision making because i don't find common ground easily but i have never been put in a position where I'm stuck 50 /50.

i have considered relationship advice but neither of us were keen on it as a friend of ours had given it a go with bad results.

[Chloe_M]

Ok, so it sounds like you are on the right track when it comes to recognising that you need to do what's best for you. Thats the first step to fixing a problem- recognition.

Don't feel ashamed of like a bad person for saying that you would pick your best friend over your partner if both were drowning- I completely understand that you have this bond that feels like it's unbreakable. I know what it's like to not be able to imagine life without someone. It's not very pleasant.

Don't listen to these other people when they tell you to end the friendship- that's stupid. Why would you throw away something so meaningful? It's like what you said in your third post, about not wanting to end the relationship when it could possibly be the best thing for you, but keep in mind that the future is unwritten- anything can happen.

if you're getting mixed signals from her, I feel like there is a good chance she might return your feelings. I get this from my ex all the time, and I know that he still loves me. I feel like you need to let her know that you love her (as in show her- being playful, flirty?), especially since she thinks you have moved on, but this would be extremely tricky and possibly dangerous, as your current partner may not take it well and end it (your current relationship). I feel like that works better as a single person.

Your best friend sounds like a lovely girl. You mentioned that she doesn't judge, and makes you laugh and feel like the best person in the world. She reminds me of my ex a little. He made me laugh for the first time in months a couple of weeks ago.

I hope this helps- sometimes it's just good to talk to someone- and remember to stay honest and open to both your partner and your best friend, as you never know what might happen.

All the best,

Chloe

[batman0504]

Hi Chloe,

thanks for your reply, yes i do agree it is very very dangerous and risky and if i were to try that id have to be single because it would come across a little easier. but that puts me back to square 1, give it all up be single and just see what happens, maybe it'l happen maybe it wont. or B stick this out and see where it goes if it fails it fails least i tried. the part I'm concerned about is if it doesnt fail and succeeds i want it to feel right and feel good about this decision rather than having it succeed at an average feeling where you just say well it hasn't failed and its going OK i guess so it is what it is, if this is to succeed i want it to feel the way i feel when i am with my best friend i want it to feel right and make me happy, and thats what scares the me the most i guess. cause if i don't feel that then i have no choice but to quit and I'm not a quitter cause I'm stubborn and i don't give up. but i may not have a choice, and the ultimate killer is time, everything takes time and i don't know how long things will take, id be distraught if i stuck it out and it was average and then i discovered i lost an opportunity with my best friend, but again thats a risk in itself, its a stab in the dark.

and our friendship is pretty open there isn't anything we don't talk about, my partner knows we are best friends but doesnt know the level we are on as we talk and have always talked a decent amount and have both been afraid to show it to the light of day cause i don't think my partner would quite understand if she new how much we talk and how open we are to each other, so half of the friendship is essentially a secret. being honest about it runs the risk of her questioning it or judging one or both of us which is why we keep the finer details under wraps

and realistically I'm back to my original post lol. literally not knowing what to do :\. but i do appreciate your help i do

[Chloe_M]

Hey,

I feel like people dwell on the past a bit, and think too much about the future (not saying you are), like "oh what could have happened if I did this instead of that" and things like that. It happens to all of us, but some of the decisions are bigger and more important than others. No matter what you do, there will always be a myriad of other things that could have happened had you done something differently.

Not being a quitter is good- it sounds like you are the type of person who is determined and strong. Are you like that?

I understand what you mean by your partner not knowing about how open the friendship is. Let me ask you a couple questions- you don't have to answer if you don't want to.

• Do you want to be honest with your partner about the friendship? Set all issues aside, would you tell her?
• Is your friendship so stable and open that you would be able to express your feelings for her (best friend) without scaring her or being judged?

Sorry if I'm not much help, I don't really know that much about relationships lol, but I'm glad if I helped in any way. Helping people here is a passion of mine and distracts me from my own anxiety and depression.

Good luck batman0504

Chloe 🙂

[batman0504]

Hi Chloe,

i am like that, but probably too strong for my own wellbeing sometimes that i can't give up when i probably should have a long time ago, i sometimes don't know when to say i have given it a good enough shot, because to me giving up is failing and i find it hard to make that decision.

i guess it would be nice to open up to my partner and tell them, but i can almost guarantee that it would cause problems and opening up to my partner doesnt just drop me in the water it drops my friend in there too. which as you would expect would cause a whirlwind of hurt.

i have opened up to my friend and admitted that i liked her in the past which i think i mentioned before i know she understands feelings well in the respect that she knows that you can't help how you feel which i know she's said before in discussions, but opening up and telling her how i feel right now at this point in time scares me because as much as i know how she thinks reacts and all i feel like it would risk our level of friendship because things said and done would now be looked at from a different angle if that makes sense.

i can completely understand that i usually quite enjoy helping people with issues they face or for guidance or advise as i find it helps me stay distracted from my own thoughts and processes so i can totally understand where you are coming from, and your replies do help to an extent its nice to hear it from someone else sometimes.

cheers

[white knight]

Hi Batman, always wanted to meet you lol

Chloe has given you some good advice.

I think for a while think about just your current relationship. Putting the friend aside for a moment, are your difficulties with her and her family easily overcome?

see my concern is her family's hold on her. That in itself is a serious issue. If you cannot leave her parents behind to be alone to approach the big wide world together without her strings to her parents then that issue can bring you both down to a separation. I do get so annoyed with controlling parents of adult age likely as my mother tried controlling me up to 54yo when I said "enough". I haven't seen her since and never will. That's the kind of effect it can have on us.

So evaluate this within a reasonable timeframe say a couple of weeks. Ask questions of your partner. All to do with leaving her family home and starting life with you. If there is too much procrastination then that's your answer. If there is a "lets do it" then that's your answer.

The issue with your friend and the level of crush you have for her is such that if your partnership has problems then you will feel needy of your friend more. This is why settling the first bit is priority.

If you separated from your partner for a week or two on the basis of "getting your head together with your future" then that move could generate some answers because you are in a difficult situation that needs radical moves to get you answers. You could explain your need to be alone for a while and think about things. This will/should spark your partner into a mind frame of action not words. She might visit you to decide to live together and as you already have a base of love and support, it could result in the better decision. Because a crush isn't love. I do admit though that your connection eg saying things together etc is exactly what my wife and I have like we came from the same womb.

Clarity is what you need and talking about it can only go so far, action speak louder than words and your partner could be told that from you. Its her call.

Tony WK

[Chloe_M]

Hi again,

I definitely agree with you that it would put the friendship at risk, and I wouldn't want that to happen.

Your situation is tricky. It would be ideal to let it all play out how it is supposed to (so basically do nothing), but the fact that you are unhappy with the way things are now restricts that. I don't want you to continue feeling the way you are now- that's why I'm trying to help you.

I know you mentioned that your mate had a bad experience with a relationship counsellor. Maybe you could see Headspace or see a regular counsellor? I'm sure they would be able to help somehow. You may benefit from that more than doing nothing. After all, us here on the forums (well me at least haha) aren't professionals!

Hope you had an okay day,

Chloe