Help me help myself

[TornApart]

Hi. I’m 34 f he is 31 m.12 years, not married, 2 kids 11 and 5. I’m unhappy and out of love/depressed/hopeless. He is trying to say it will change and he will not let me go. Throughout this 12 years there has been a lot of pain and stressful times. I was 22 when I was pregnant he was 19 then turned 20. I have always been sorry for things in our rs and felt as though I have destroyed what could’ve always been for him. He said that also being so young he has lost a lot over the years. I wanted to get married straight away. He was against marriage as his father is a pastor and his mum and dad seperate all the time!! We’ve practically counselled their rs through about 10 years of ups and downs. I have been through domestic violence through shouting, financial abuse, no friends, grabbing, emotional abuse and no mental support. Then the ptsd is there as he flips and goes really well for a while but we end up back in the same spot. There has been various times I have said I’m going to leave and he convinces me otherwise or shuts me down and says no your not leaving. This has now broken me.I have had a few mental depression episodes and feel like I have completely given up. I have seen our children get in between our arguments, our children scared, our daughters anger and sadness has completely taken over her too. But if I leave, I’m hurting my children and breaking up my family. 3 weeks ago I decided that was it and applied for a house through a friend and actually got it! I felt relieved and that fate had finally appeared for me. That I can finally feel free and try be myself and not depressed. I told him and now he has absolutely love bombed me with flowers, crying, promises of change and that he loves me like no other. I have been through this so many times. He says it’s different this time but it’s so hard to believe. He gets explosive anger because my reasonings aren’t enough and I’m just giving up on our rs and our children. While I think this is the best thing for everyone he is so so stuck on that it’s not the best. He has also said because of my mental illness that I am not going to make it on my own, that the children will be worse off. How do I leave when I don’t get my keys until 4 weeks!!?? How do you tell someone over and over that it’s not working but they’re ignoring you. Not listening. Demeaning your choices. How am I supposed to keep my children? How do you leave someone who just says no.

[Sophie_M]

Hi TornApart,

We are sorry to hear that things have been so difficult in your relationship and that you have been feeling so unhappy and hopeless. We understand that leaving must be such a hard decision to make, especially when children are involved, so please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We would recommend that you get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277 who provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities.

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[Guest_7403]

It sounds very abusive....how said for you.

I'd like to answer your last question....."how do you leave someone who just says no?".

I know its hard to see it yourself.....but the answer is simply......you don't ask to leave....you TELL him your leaving and that you're family is aware of your decision to leave and they are supportive of it.

Be strong, follow through and get yourself to safety

[Mk2692]

Hi TornApart,

Thank you for reaching out here and sorry that you are going through a difficult time. It sounds like you are in a manipulative and abusive relationship. I can see that your partner is negatively affecting your mental health as well as your children. I know you might feel guilty for maybe leaving him because you think he might change or maybe that you don't want to leave for your children's sake, but from what you are stating, things have been worse for you and your children. Making the decision to leave is not easy, but if you have made that decision, then you should not have to feel guilty for doing it or explain it to someone, you should just do it and not look back. I think your children would rather you and your partner living away from each other and having a respectful relationship than being together and causing anxiety to both you and them. I think you might benefit from seeing a counsellor or psychologist if you don't already to talk about your situation. If you are finding it very difficult to leave, maybe you might benefit from asking a family member or a mutual friend to help you in this situation to resolve this issue. Leaving will not be easy, but you are the only one that can make that decision.

[Juliet_84]

Hi TornApart,

It’s clear that your relationship is having a profoundly negative impact on your mental health. And you have also detailed a lot of instances of abuse, which is not ok. It is very common for people who have been controlled to want to ask permission to leave etc. But the thing is, you don’t need his permission (which he will never give) - it only takes one person to end a relationship. If you want to end it, then you need to end it. Don’t listen to the promises to change or fall for the love bombing, you’ve been there so many times before and always ended back in the same place. You have been together for 12 years now, which is long enough to know what your partner is like. And despite what he says, he hasn’t managed to change in that time. Abusers often say they have changed or they will change but the reality is that’s not such an easy thing to do, at the very least he would need to go to a behaviour change program. But my feeling is that despite all his promises, he will be unwilling to seek help for his issues. Only you can make decisions for your future, but I will say that you have 12 years of experience with your partner so that gives the best idea of your life if you choose to stay.

[geoff]

Hello TornApart, and we want to offer you a warm welcome to the site.

I know someone who is going through a separation and know that the young kids much prefer two houses to live in where they can be happy, rather than living in one household where the parents are fighting and certainly not happy.

You can't be sorry if he says you haven't given him any chance to improve this situation, because if he was strong enough he would have done this by himself, and all these promises he makes to you as well as giving you flowers only lasts a very short time, then he's back to his usual self as he is incapable of keeping his promises, so please don't be enticed into believing something that's not true.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can suggest and to get another house was your opportunity to be free, remember kids prefer 2 happy houses and if you could get help to organise the furniture before you move in, plus having the power connected etc.

We'd love to keep this conversation going and really hope you can get back to us, and please ask any question you want to.

Geoff.

[Pumpkinella]

Hi Torn Apart,

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is a very difficult and emotional time I can imagine your head is all over the place and you feel confused and hopeless.

You have been with your partner for a very long time so it is difficult to picture another life, but I wonder if you do this. What does that picture look like?

I grew up in a violent household and from a child/adolescent perspective my parents separating was the best thing that happened to me. I know its really hard to think about breaking up the family. Its very difficult but I know you show your children love and affection and would give them a good life. I can tell from your posts how much you care about them. I know you would be able to take care of them for these reasons.

I am glad you have had the strength to leave and I know what its like to go back and forth and to think maybe things will be different (my father was abusive). I know about how beautiful and genuine they are when they apologise and promise it will all change.

Every time my father apologised, I picture the last time he apologised and then I remind myself what happened after the last apology. I realised there was no change. I was just allowing myself to be continually abused.

You are a very very resilient and strong person to have gone through what you have.

Where are you living at the moment?

Have you tried contacting 1800Respect for some guidance on how to manage the situation as well?