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Elsam
Community Member

My husband and I have been together nearly 24 years and married 13 yrs!
There are major trust issues as I caught him on 3 internet dating sites looking for a discreet sexual relationship back in 2008. His excuses that it was only a game but he had emails and photos of women and had said in emails he was going to meet up with them! He still will not admit to meeting up with women.
After that he promised me he could be trusted and that he was honest! Then I caught him going past a brothel saying to his friend how could he go in there with his work shirt on!
There have been so many lies that he cannot remember his lies!
His job is a major problem as he is out on the road all day and says he will not leave his job! I assume because he wants his freedom to cheat on me!!
When he started this job he promised me that he would only be on the road 1 day per week, now he is out and about all day every day!
I never know where he is or who he is with? I cannot live with this doubt all the time as it only causes the trust issues all the time and causes huge arguments.
I love him and have always made all the effort in our marriage even though he says he loves me, I do not believe him because he doesn't show me he loves me. There is no intimacy or affection! We do not have children!
He is a narcissist and seems to be a sociopath! We have no real friends and no social life, he doesn't take me out and expects me to go out on my own all the time. I cannot sit at home 7 days and nights per week! We do not see his family or my family because of him. I tell him to go and see his family so he can't blame me for not seeing them but he makes no effort. I have told him a thousand times I am bored, that there is no spark in our marriage anymore because of him.
We have been together so long and I do not want to walk away without trying everything first!

Even if if I try to have an honest conversation with him I get nowhere as he just lies and tries to blame me for everything! We have not spoken for 2 weeks and I am not going to give in as when I normally give in and speak to him first he thinks he has put it over me again!

I am so sick and tired of him putting his job before our marriage, he leaves home at 6.30 in the morning and comes at 6.00 at night and then still wants to talk to customers on the phone at home!

I am ready to go and seek legal advice!

He makes no time for us to spend any time together!

Would love to hear from anyone in similar situations.
Thank you

15 Replies 15

Elsam
Community Member

Sorry I have to post in two sections!

We never have a life unless it is up to me to make the effort for both of us all the time. We go on holidays for 2-3 weeks per year but it is always up to me to make all the effort and plan our holidays alone, there is no fun or excitement as I feel I am going on holidays alone!
I am at the stage where I cannot try anymore, I have stopped making any effort, I am so bored, lonely and unhappy but feel guilty if I walk away from this marriage.
have told him numerous times I am going to leave but never do so he just thinks I am joking all the time! So he just takes advantage!!
I cannot understand why he does not want us to have a nice life? We have no children and we both have good jobs!
We have a nice house in Sydney and an investment property on the coast which is owned by our SMSF!
The mortgage on the Sydney property is in both names! So legally I cannot leave the house anyway until it is sold!

I want to go and see a family law solicitor to see where I stand! It is going to be his job or his marriage as I cannot continue living like this.
I am going to have the solicitors serve a letter on him in person that way he cannot say he never received it.
I am happy for a couple of days until he manipulates me to believe we are going to have a nice life but it never happens!
He has been promising for 23 years we are going to go to Europe!
I feel like I am wasting my life, I want to enjoy my life and be happy with him and travel the world but he is not interested in travelling. He told my sister he is a home body!!
I am suffering from anxiety and depression because of the trust issues with him.

I have tried so hard to move on from the broken trust and dishonesty but just cannot get over it! He tells me to get over it!! It is easy for him to say when I have always been honest and trustworthy in this marriage.
I do not have the energy anymore to keep trying.
I just do not know what to do or what to try next! We have tried marriage counselling and he would not cooperate and kept lying to the counsellor.
I have been considering mediation!

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Elsam

Welcome and thankyou for having the courage to post with us. I understand that you requested to hear from anyone in similar situations which I am not in...however I can see from what you have posted that you have been going through a very rough time where marriage is concerned.

If I was married I couldn't be on any internet dating site for any reason (from a guys perspective in his 50's)

May I ask what your husband would say if you gently invited/emailed him to a joint counseling session that you have organised?

Just a question that may help...

my kind thoughts for the pain you are going through Elsam...You are not alone....there are many super gentle people that can be here for you. The forums are a safe and non judgemental place for you to post!

Paul

Elsam
Community Member

Hi blondguy (Paul)

I arranged counselling for us when we were living in another state after I found out about the Internet dating. He just lied and made out to the counsellor that I am the one with the problems!

I organised marriage counselling again last year and we started going and then he just lied and the counsellor could see straight through him! Then he wouldn't return the counsellors phone calls regarding follow up apps and made me believe that the counsellor was only doing it for the money, that was his way of getting out of it because he doesn't like confrontation even though he is in the wrong!!

It is always me making all the effort all the time but then he has the hide to turn around and tells me he loves me.

I don't believe he loves me cause if you love someone you don't treat them the way he treats me!

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Elsam

You are a proactive person for having initiated the counseling and good on you (thumbs up!)

I was on the road for circa 900klms a week as a tech rep and always tried to treat my ex well even starting early and finishing early so we would have some time together. You are a well articulated and intelligent person and from what you have posted I see red flags. You are also a dedicated partner that has tried so very hard to make the marriage 'click'

Can I ask you what your husbands reaction was when you mentioned attending a joint counseling session? (please ignore if I have overstepped and asked an over personal question)

I have had chronic anxiety which was followed by depression which like yourself is a bad place to be in (after only a 7 year relationship) I couldnt sustain the negative relationship I was in...it was toxic and I was a wreck

Just so you can have some peace of mind re any decision you make Elsam....have you had a discussion with your GP/Counselor about what you have been going through?

Your own well being (health) is paramount....all other considerations are secondary

Love/ marriage/partnership is a 50/50 split (with the usual fine tuning of course) From what you have mentioned I dont see an equal split of marital responsibility

Please excuse the questions.....only trying to provide effective support

you are not alone at all Elsam

my kind thoughts and wishes for you

Paul

Elsam
Community Member

Apologies for the delayed reply, lovely people! Thank you so much for your support which is really appreciated at this time.

Things have not improved at all, they have actually got worse sadly.

I ended up in emergency at the local hospital after work one night with high BP and very bad chest pains, pain in my neck and under my arms, they thought I had signs of a heart attack but did lots of tests that showed nothing! I think it was all from stress, anxiety and worry!

My husband came after my sister called him and I was discharged early hours of the morning, the next morning my husband took me to pick up my car from the hospital and caused me more stress and said he only stays with me so I don't commit suicide, I am not suicidal at all. But when it suits him he tells me he loves me, I cannot handle his mind games, typical narcissist behaviour!

I went away by myself 3 weekends in a row without telling him I was going, I was testing him to see if he cared. I never even received a phone call or text to check I was ok. I could have been raped or murdered for all he knew! Typical narcissist behaviour, don't know how he calls himself a man/husband!!!! Sorry, that's the anger talking!

I moved into the spare bedroom about a month ago. We have only spoken twice in 2 months but always end in arguments. He said we have to address our problems otherwise they are never going to go away. He does nothing to address the issues!

I have given him an ultimatum, it is his job or his marriage! It doesn't help that he works with people that all have marriage problems! His 50 year old boss left his wife and children for a 30 year old, he is the worst influence on my husband! One reason why I am trying to get him to leave this job!

Other reason is he is on the road all the time, and I have suspicions he is cheating on me due to past experiences as above!

He says he will not leave his job and I cannot cope with him in this job! At the same time trying to save my marriage, I just do not know what to try next.

I have started seeing a Psychologist for myself as am on (Cymbalta) for which I thought was anxiety/depression but now after reading a lot I seriously think it is PTSD??

My husband keeps telling me get over it when I bring up the past traumatic experiences and DV!

He does not understand I cannot get over it! Easy for him to say!

He has destroyed our life and marriage and I am still trying after 23 years!

Last night he said he was ring around to find a Counsellor for us!

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Elsam

I can actually feel your pain in your post above and I am sorry for what you are still going through

There are no apologies necessary as we are here to provide the best support we possibly can. You mentioned that your husband has destroyed your life and yes that would be a dark place to be in Elsam.

May I ask your thoughts about your husband seeking a counselor? I understand about the DV Elsam. Your thoughts or questions are always more than welcome 🙂

You are not alone in any way

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

Elsam
Community Member

Hi all

I finally have to turn to Beyond Blue once again for emotional support. The problems with my narcissist husband are never ending and i do not know how much longer i can go on like this being so unhappy and alone all the time.

We went away for 5 days at Easter and came home then we had another 4 day weekend coming up. I went all bought things for a picnic over the weekend and said to my husband we will go out to the country for a picnic on sunday. Well did he put on a turn and started screaming saying he was sick of driving and that we had just been away. I thought i was doing a nice thing for us to spend some quality time together and relax. We have not spoken since that day, has now been about 6 weeks!!

I am so sick and tired of making all the effort in this marriage on my own all the time when there are 2 in this marriage!! He has the hide to tell me he loves me (gaslighting). I am so lonely and bored and have told him this but he never listens!!

I told him a couple of weeks ago to transfer my car to my name so when we go through divorce he cannot take my car as it is in his name! He had the hide to turn around and say “No need for divorce”

In 24 yrs he has never taken me to a nice restaurant, we have probably been to the movies 5 times in 24 yrs!!! In general he never takes me out anywhere and i am expected to sit at home 7 days 7 nights per week unless i go out on my own!!

I have told him many times i just want to enjoy my life with my husband/partner that’s what i got married for. He turns around and tells me to go on my own!!

Before Easter he was going to Bunnings and i was not even allowed to go to Bunnings with him he would sneak out if the house and go so i could not go with him!

For 24 yrs all i have wanted to do is go to the beach, in 24 years living in Sydney i have never been to Bondi beach. I love bushwalking and cycling but i cannot do any of the things i enjoy unless i go on my own!! Then i don’t go because i don’t enjoy going alone. I don’t ask for much, he has taken me to dinner once in 6 mths which was for my birthday in March!

He tells me i am a control freak!! I do not control him at all.

I am suffering from PTSD from the DV and narcissistic behaviour!!

I feel like leaving him but then i have a fear of being alone even though i am alone with him anyway!

i do not know why he cannot see he has destroyed our marriage, who would want to destroy their own marriage and happiness??

Elsam
Community Member

I have never done anything wrong by my husband in 24 yrs, i have always loved and cared for him and always been honest and trustworthy.

He has been giving me the silent treatment for the last 6 weeks, this is his way of trying to make me feel guilty!

November 2018 he said he would arrange counselling which had never happened. He was the one that said we need to address our problems otherwise they are never going to go away!

Until now he has not bothered to arrange counselling or address any problems.

Cheating, dishonesty, betrayal, no trust, no friends, no family, no social life, no leisure or relaxation time and no quality time together, he never takes me out, no intimacy and no sexual relationship for the last 6 months!

All he wants to do is sit at home 7 days/7 nights per week like a recluse and he is trying to make my life that way!

I say i am sick and tired of making all the effort in this marriage on my own! When i ask what effort he makes in this marriage he says he mows the lawn, cleans the pool and washes the cars!!!

I do not know what to do anymore, i cannot keep living my life this way i feel like i am wasting my life!

Until next time he lovebombs me and tells me he loves me and that we are going to be happy.

I know in my heart he doesn’t mean what he says, he only says it so i don’t leave.

Jane_Smith
Community Member

Hi Elsam

I think we have some things in common in our situation. I have been married for about 11 years, living together for about 13 (lucky 13!). I am struggling to get over things he has done in the past. You mentioned getting over past DV, for me I have never been hit but things have been broken, thrown in my direction, many horrible things said, up all night being told what I do wrong, extreme aggression for days. This happened many times but not anymore. I want him to say sorry without qualifications (i.e. you are not perfect either). Even if I got that I don't know what would help me get over it. He also never wants to go anywhere, doesn't like holidays.

Maybe we can help each other?